Posted on 06/17/2005 12:00:23 PM PDT by IowaHawk
An ongoing series featuring the correspondence of Senator Richard Durbin (D-IL), America's most dynamic metaphorist
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Mr. Hector Guiterrez
Guiterrez Bros. Landscaping
Arlington, VA
Dear Mr. Guiterrez:
Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio. I am writing to inform you that I have contacted the US Department of Interior to conduct a full independent investigation into Guitierrez Brothers' actions in this matter. Please be advised that you may be subpoenaed for records pertaining to mower height, pruning shear maintenance, and leaf blower emissions. I would also advise your crewmen to heed the lessons of the Judgement At Nurenburg: although they may be spared the justice due their superiors, "I was only following orders" is not an excuse.
Sincerely,
Senator Richard J. Durbin
Washington, DC
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Customer Relations Department
United Airlines
Elk Grove Village, IL
Dear Sir or Madam:
In the dark annals of human evil, history has recorded the Holocaust, the Rwandan genocides, and Stalin's mass starvation program. And now, United Airlines flight 671 from Reagan International to Chicago O'Hare on June 3rd, 2005. I know, because I am a survivor of that dark exemplar of man's cruelty to man.
Perhaps I should have known what I was in for when your brusque gate agent refused to issue an upgrade to me for the flight (despite being a Premier/1K member for over 10 years), or when your flight crew Gestapo confiscated my carry on Roll Tote (even though I had nearly fit it into the overhead bin). But the true measure of the horror did not dawn on me until me and my fellow passengers were left taxiing on the O'Hare tarmack for over twenty minutes in the Auschwitzian Airbus A320 cattlecar, in temperatures approaching 85 degrees, not knowing our fates or whether we would make it to our fundraising dinners.
Santayana once said, "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." And I say to you and your fellow United criminals: "never again," unless you credit my account at least 2 flight segments for this travesty.
Sincerely,
Senator Richard J. Durbin
Washington, DC
cc: Human Rights Watch
cc: Amnesty International
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Ms. He-Sook Park
AAA Georgetown Drycleaning
Washington, DC
Dear Ms. Park:
To paraphrase Pastor Martin Niemoeller, a witness to the Shoah:
First they frayed the hem on my wife's Valentino gown
My staff aide did not speak out
Because it was my wife's and it wasn't that noticeable
When they didn't honor the 5-for-$4.99 tie coupon
My staff aide did not speak out
Because the small print said "good Tuesday to Friday"
And when they overstarched my best Brooks Brothers shirts
there was no one left to speak out to
Because your counter attendant did not speak English
I will no longer stay silent in the face of your cruel and sickening campaign of chemical fabricide, Ms. Park. Mankind will soon learn of the horrors you are hiding behind the flimsy facade of 'One Hour Martinizing.' I expect full reparations for the suffering of my wardrobe, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Senator Richard J. Durbin
Washington, DC
P.S. -- Could you hem a pair of casual trousers before Saturday? I have a DNC retreat coming up.
You rule IowaHawk!!!
The Hawk is back!
Hilarious.
Reminds me of the time our lefty corporate President lamented that doing the final yearly reports made him feel like he had been in Vietnam. The VP sitting next to him HAD been to Vietnam and was trapped behind enemy lines for 4 days with his unit which lost 70% of its members.
Outta the park, Hawk. Got tickets for September 10 IA-II State (a date that will live...in infamy) ?
Iowahawk ping!
Wow, astounding. How did the VP react?
i have extra tickets! (it's my wedding day and I'm already fielding the complaints! LOL)
He never said a word. But a Vietnam Vet who had been involved in pilot rescue operations was walking by me at the time, leaned over and said "Bullshit" and kept walking.
Gracias!
If "Senator Dick" wasn't a total jerk, he would be an everyday over-the-top liberal drama queen. But this is too much. His comments are so insulting that I can't see him as the silly jester. He needs to resign.
If "Senator Dick" wasn't a total jerk, he would be an everyday over-the-top liberal drama queen. But this is too much. His comments are so insulting that I can't see him as the silly jester. He needs to resign.
I love you--best wishes in this difficult time. You are the greatest!
Yup, Eric -- as always I'm going with my brother, the ISU alum. And, as always, a drunken fratricidal fistfight will ensue.
You're a funny man IH.
L
Welll...you need to reschedule those less-important events, eh ?
The timer on my microwave oven jammed today, and the effect on the chicken pot pie I was hoping to eat for lunch was horrific beyond human capacity to understand. It was the 50 MT Tsar Bomba blast of 1962, ground zero, in my Amana. My children were in the other room and were only subjected to a tiny sliver of the horror, but I've called in grief counselors anyway. As if it will do any good.
You don't half-suck.
I have an annual bet with my ISU alum wife. Winner get the unconventional *** act of his or her choice.
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