Posted on 12/05/2005 11:00:46 PM PST by goldstategop
Decades of radio counseling, personal experience, and public and private discussions about marriage prompt me to write this list of questions for anyone contemplating marriage.
1. Is the person your best friend or at least becoming so?
It is easy to find a lover. It is easy to get excited about a new person. But if you cannot say that the person you are considering marrying has become or is becoming your best friend, you need to figure out why before you decide to marry. This is probably the single most overlooked question among couples, especially young ones.
And for good reason. Many people cannot not answer this in the affirmative. But you have to answer it. Over time, friendship is the greatest bond between a couple. If the person you marry does not become your best friend, you will either seek someone who will be or simply drift apart.
What is a best friend? Someone you can and do tell just about everything to. Someone you want to be with as much as possible. And someone you need. One of the most devastating ideas of the last generation was that needing or depending upon another person is a sign of weakness. The opposite is true. The inability to need is a sign of weakness -- you are afraid to relinquish power or afraid to be hurt.
2. Aside from sex, do you enjoy each other?
As great as the sex may be (and great sex certainly adds to a marriage), even Hugh Hefner spends the vast majority of time doing other things. You must enjoy this person during those hours. This sounds trite, but enjoying each other may actually be the single most important characteristic of a happy marriage.
3. Is there chemistry between the two of you?
As essential as being best friends and enjoying each other are, there should be a physical component to your relationship. Dating for marriage is not an interview for a platonic best friend. Nearly always, a woman who dates a man who meets the criteria listed here can grow to find him sexually attractive. If that were not the case, the majority of men would never attract a woman. There are very few men who turn heads. Most men become physically attractive to a woman thanks to other, masculine, qualities that they possess.
Even for men it is common to find a woman physically attractive over time. In my late 20s, I directed a summer institute for men and women ages 19-25. After the first two summers, I began to play a game with myself. On the first night of the session, I made a mental note of which women I thought the most attractive and compared that list to one I made after the four weeks. The names on the latter list were rarely on the first-night list.
Nevertheless, if there is insufficient physical attraction after all other criteria are met and time has passed, you may be in the tragic position of having to end a relationship with a great man or woman.
4. Does the person have a number of good friends and at least one very close friend of the same sex?
It is a bad sign if the person you are thinking of marrying does not have good friends (including of long duration) of the same sex. Something is very wrong. This alone should rule out the person from consideration. A woman who cannot hold female friends and a man who cannot hold male friends have issues that will probably sink your marriage.
5. How does the person treat others?
It should go without saying that if the person is not kind to you, quit while you can. But it is far from sufficient that the person you are considering marrying treats you kindly. Watch how he or she treats waitresses, employees, family members and anyone else he/she comes into contact with. I promise you how the person treats others now is how this person will treat you later.
If these questions and the ones I will pose in Part II are answered honestly and help determine your decision, your chances of entering a happy marriage or avoiding an unhappy one are dramatically increased.
Good luck.
You'll need that, too.
I fail number 4. For some reason, I just don't have any friends that are guys. All the guys I know are acquaintances.
GREAT post.
And now, to be and to find that great friend.
Do justify this absurd and insulting statement.
In the first place, please explain how we survived thousands of years just fine without experts telling us how to live and love.
It doesn't bother me; I have no intention of getting married any time soon anyway.
Wait a minute. Isn't D. Prager a 19 year old kid?
There's nothing wrong with being a "loner," though loners should avoid the following phrases while on a date:
A)Do you ever imagine that your hands are claws?
B)I'm really curious what the inside of a body looks like while it's alive.
C)Mother likes to bath me, but it's not weird or anything.
D)Ever just look at someone and know whether or not they deseve to live?
Building friendships with members of the same sex is healthy and normal. Someone who does not or cannot do so is not healthy and normal. It is not a good idea to marry someone who is not healthy and normal. This is just plain common sense.
Sorry, but as a female I have to disagree with the "need each other" statement. A person shouldn't have to "need" another person to be happy. Being needy and clingy is not sexy or desirable in my eyes. I think it smothers a relationship more than it helps.
It sounds like a stalker mentality to me.
(Denny Crane: "I Don't Want To Socialize With A Pinko Liberal Democrat Commie.Say What You Like About Republicans. We Stick To Our Convictions. Even When We Know We're Dead Wrong.")
I share your opinions of the multitude of "experts" with all the answers. That said, sometimes some sage advice is called for in any generation. I definitely believe that of the present culture of this country, and the world. The keyword is "sage" and the individual has the option of deciding that.
There are so many "old sayings" which came down through the years and they amounted to advice.
"A stitch in time saves nine." or "Don't burn your bridges behind you". I could go on and on, but my point is that previous generations also received and learned things if they heeded the common sense advice from somewhere outside their own minds.
I don't view Prager as someone who has all the answers...I'm sure he doesn't see himself that way. But he is an intelligent guy and has lived and seen much in his lifetime. I think he's just trying to help.
I wondered why you revived that article. Now I know. :0)
Oh my goodness--you have me crying!
LOL!
How about --
Do you like pancakes? Cool, I have 8,722 back at the house!
Ping to posts #7 and #17
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