Posted on 01/11/2006 12:58:24 AM PST by beaversmom
DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.
In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, ``When are you going to have a baby?'' or, ``You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?'' or, ``Don't you want kids?''
My family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions?
Childless and happy in Texas
(Excerpt) Read more at mercurynews.com ...
You are exactly correct.
Some people don't have children because they are too selfish.
Are you a woman who has never had children?
Me too.
As far as the questions people ask, they seem to me to be perfectly natural. Most people are friendly and are naturally curious, and someone's family is a perfectly legitimate subject of curiosity.
Of course, there may be matters of tone in the questions. And one has the right to respond as one sees fit.
If you think, "Do you have any children?", "Are you thinking about children?" or "Do you ever want to have children?" are unreasonably nosy questions, your sense of personal space and personal importance is probably set about two twists of the dial too high.
For some people it's a highly sensitive subject. Maybe one can't have kids because of an STD, a botched abortion, or because one is queer as a three-dollar bill... things like that are your business and the world doesn't need to be told about them and really isn't asking for that level of detail -- WTMI!
If it's a sensitive, personal matter all one needs to do is say, "No, I/we aren't going to have kids, it's a personal matter I'd rather not talk about."
Up to now, everyone's been perfectly polite. If after hearing something like the above, a person who is not a very close friend or relative continues to press the issue, then they have become rude, but not in making the initial query.
If one is offended by a simple and natural question, the wrong is not on the part of the questioner. There is no right never to be offended, particularly for people whose skins are thin to the point of fragility.
I personally have seen a lot of terminally childless women get snappy when asked about children -- usually it's because they spend their 20s and 30s in pursuit of the chimera of a career (and a closet full of shoes) and at about Age 39 realize that the single men their age are chasing twentysomethings, and their deferred dream of family and motherhood is hopeless.
Leads to lots and lots of sour grapes and misdirected hostility. One of the achievements of feminism.
d.o.l.
Criminal Number 18F
If any of you ever catch me turning to Dear Abby for advice please, please shoot me.
No fights--we can disagree and I'm not offended:)
Again, when people ask me "Why?" they are probing too far.
There are other reasons people don't have children aside from not wanting to or not being cut out for it. Neither of those reasons describes me.
Whether or not people have children should not be a measuring stick by which to judge people.
I think it's a natural instinct of parents to get their children to have kids. My parents are putting pressure on me at the moment to provide them with grandchildren. The slight difficulty in that is I'm not married and don't have a girlfriend. The term concerning putting a cart before a horse springs to mind.
Regards, Ivan
When I was single in the early 90's and no boyfriend I used to get asked by co-workers (usually after someone's baby shower) "So when are you going to have one?" The only thing I think is strange is that these people are asking her when she's going to have one if they know she's not married.
Right, if in your initial negative answer you make it clear you would like to close the subject -- which there are many ways to do without being rude -- then someone is way out of line to press you on it.
And one's reasons are one's own business to reveal or not. But you're more likely to be asked the follow up if you don't make a full closure in the first responce.
There might be an exception for a very intimate friend (i.e. childhood best friend, college roommate) or close family member (mother, sister) even though these people's curiosity might hurt the most. Depends on the friend/family dynamic.
Actually, I'm with the group that thinks asking Dear Abby about damn near anything is an earmark of a loser -- don't folks learn basic etiquette anymore?
d.o.l.
Criminal Number 18F
"Are you a woman who has never had children?"
No, I’m not. But there are other things people can say that irritate me due to a bit of bad luck on my part and I know they don’t mean any harm.
I don’t go around asking people if they have kids (I’m not really old enough to be doing that) but I see it as a normal enough question. Of course there are probably ways to get an idea of the answer (or whether it’s a good idea to ask) before coming straight out with it.
Don't know what it was yet, but that sort of thing (happens all too frequently around here) is rude.
{gallows humor...}
That's a smart way to approach it.
I don't so much mind the initial "Do you have kids?" question; it's the almost inevitable follow-up questions that I dread. Without realizing it, people are probing an old heartache you'd rather not have to dredge up again and again.
My guess is liberal.
My mother i.e. is also an artist - AND SHE IS NOT LIBERAL!
I hate the -self putting down prejudice- that conservatives can not be intellectuals or artists or someting else that is not expected from them. Since conservaties are usually the more intelligent people they are obviously better in doing these things than their liberal colleagues.
P.S. If you want to see the homepage of my mom: www.artfever.de
More than 70% of us don't. That would be the *majority.*
,,, she's got things to do and is too busy, as artists are. The gene pool sorts itself out.
What rubbed me the wrong was about this whole thread was the assumptions and the outright pigeonholing of people based on very scant information.
Still jetlagged...
On the continent we have a bonmot: To become a father is not difficult. Being a father is very.
As a happy father of 3 little boys I think it is nessecary first to find a suitable mother first than even think about kids. Furthermore is parental pressure not helpful when you have to make decisions whether a girl is the right one or not. First of all you have to love her to get happy. Children are just the result of a happy relationship.
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