Posted on 01/11/2006 12:58:24 AM PST by beaversmom
DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.
In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, ``When are you going to have a baby?'' or, ``You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?'' or, ``Don't you want kids?''
My family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions?
Childless and happy in Texas
(Excerpt) Read more at mercurynews.com ...
I don't see where not wanting to have a child makes someone selfish. It seems to me that it shows that that person knows what they want and do not want. It is selfish to have children you do not want to earn the favor of other people and not be able or willing to nurture that child. There are many reasons for not having children just like there are several for having them. You can not lump everyone together and say all childless people are selfish.
I think we're seeing some of the "If you're not just like ME, you're wrong" types on here.
We all know people like that. ;-)
You are right. I have infertility issues and I get sick of people asking me about my childless state. I just answer in great gory detail about my gynecological issues which seems to make them uncomfortable. I figure I should share the wealth. Why should I be the only one uncomfortable here. Maybe they will realize that they can not judge a person based on appearances alone.
"When are you going to have a baby?"
Tonight, for dinner! They're delicious braised, with a burgandy and mushroom sauce!
Mark
I don't know that I agree with your translation, although I do agree with your (and her) conclusion, that she shouldn't have children.
It sounds to me that she realizes that bringing a child into her situation would be a bad thing. And the fact that she realizes it is something that she should be lauded about. There are far too many people who have children, only to realize that they weren't ready for them. Or, even worse, they refuse to make changes in their lives for the children.
Mark
I don't know about that... I think the question "Can I help / watch / try some" might actually be ruder!
Mark
Some people don't have children because they are too selfish.
You sound bitter about that. Instead, you should be happy for the children that those people don't have.
Mark
This type of thinking doesn't stop when people have children. The next thing you know it's "Well, you only have one child, wait till you have two - it's much more difficult" or "You think two's bad, try three" and so on.
I have to disagree, when I said I don't want kids people would say why not? I never asked why do you want kids to anyone who said they were trying to get pregnant. Some people just don't want kids.
Bad, very bad. :)
Are you kidding? I'd want fair warning so I can keep may back to her when she whips out the breast for her little one's snack. What a demented society we live in that finds public breast feeding in restaurants and elsewhere appropriate.
Okay, then more (babies) for the rest of us! :-)
Public breastfeeding; Now that's another issue.
I remember hearing about an old school friend who was sent an inquiry about attending the upcoming highschool reunion. This was back in 1995.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I must be older than dirt! 1995 sounds like last month to me!
Then we could reeeeally stretch this thread out. ;-)
Ditto. We have seven kids........and if ONE more idiot says "Gee, don't you know what causes that?", I'm gonna deck 'em on the spot.
Having beenthere, I believe most people who are childless are not childless by choice. Therefore, these questions can be especially painful.
However, for those who did/are choosing childlessness, it's pretty apparent by their attitude/philosophy and so on. But no one on either side of this should have to suffer personal questions.
That said, and wishing people would mind their own business, I am glad there is still quite a bit of pro-baby sentiment out there.
I imagine we all know folks who thought they were okay with being childless, whatever the reason, only to find later in life that it definitely was NOT okay.
I think this "common experience" powers a lot of these questions, especially since many women have the idea they can wait indefinitely to get pregnant (NOT).
IOW, they have not actually chosen childlessness, they just think they can snap their fingers and get pregnant at 40. NOT. (Or not usually.)
It's one thing to "choose" childlessness (though many still regret it later). It's quite another to become childless because you mistakenly thought you could put off the babies until it was more convenient (or whatever).
So, while boorish to ask questions, especially of strangers, I do think people find it hard to resist getting in a little "warning" that, if you do want kids, biology waits for no one.
Six kids--more power to you!
I was once in a laundromat that I had frequented weekly... and one of the female attendants asked me why I had never enquired about her pregnancy. She thought it was obvious to anyone looking that she was pregnant. I had thought she was a little rotund, not pregnant.
So I quickly came up with the valid excuse that in my family we never discussed such private things unless the woman wished to discuss them first.
Reaching WAY back, I remembered my grandmother saying in her time you didn't discuss children until AFTER the baby was born.
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