Skip to comments.Heard the one about Chuck Norris?
Posted on 02/03/2006 7:57:02 AM PST by rarestia
Tuesday night at the Boston Market on East Bay Drive in Clearwater: Guys behind the counter are slinging Chuck Norris jokes.
"You know what kind of furniture Chuck Norris has in his house?" says Matt Kindred, 18.
Matt tells another: "Chuck Norris never blinks his eyes. Never."
Behind him, manager Richard Moody, 22, echoes: "Never!"
Matt executes a pirouette and whips a finger at countermate Evan Heebner, 19. Evan tells the one about how Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. "Too bad Chuck Norris never cries," Evan says.
"Ooooh, good one," everyone says.
* * *
Teenagers all across the country, many of whom have never even seen Walker, Texas Ranger, are telling Chuck Norris jokes.
They're really bad. If you want to blame someone, the guilty party is a Brown University freshman. Since last summer, Ian Spector has been spreading jokes like: "Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there."
Ian has collected 40,000 jokes like that. Every day he gets more than a half-million hits on his Web site, The Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator (www.4Q.cc/chuck/) His jokes have been picked up by Saturday Night Live.
(Excerpt) Read more at sptimes.com ...
If you've not read some of the myriad jokes, I'd recommend perusing the page in the article. It's actually quite amusing, esp. for someone my age who group with Chuck Norris action flicks.
I saw a bunch of pretty good ones a few weeks ago and forwarded them to a friend of mine at wrok here who is about 26 yrs old.
His response was basically: I guess you gotta know who Chuck Norris is".
You'll laugh yourself silly!
Someone emailed Rush Limbaugh a bunch of Jack Bauer jokes. Blatant rip-off of the Chuck Norris jokes.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET
I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Additional Chuck Norris Facts
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
- A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
- Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
- Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
- The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and
still owes him a beer.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
- Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
- If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris
roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
- The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Nearly every thread is likely to have 1 or 2 Chuck-based comments on it..
FR version of joke
I like the fact that Chuck is pretty laid-back about the whole thing. He's cool.
Plus, he could kill everyone here with his pinky-toe, so best not to get him riled.
Well, I guess this means the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is not only over...it's way over.
May it rest in peace.
Funny flash animation starring Chuck Norris.
**Warning - Contains animated violence and gore.. Personally, I think it's pretty funny.
You forgot this one...
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
I guess i'm just uncultured and unrefined as this kind of stuff makes me laugh:
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
I have never heard/read a "Chuck Norris joke" until this thread.
The problem is, The "kids" have never watched a Chuck Norris movie or ever watched a Walker:Texas Ranger episode.
By no means are all the "jokes" and "facts" derogatory.
Little surprise that he's being panned by pop culture now. He's a conservative Christian whose main political involvement is an initiative that the Bible be offered as a course in public schools. He also cites the removal of public prayer from schools as a huge turning point in our society.
Um, not really much of a problem. I respect Chuck Norris (and love these jokes) . . . but his film efforts have been . . . well, lacking at best.
Message to Mr. Norris: If you are reading this, please know that I fully understand that you are the best actor in the world. I know it had to have been bad directing and/or writing that caused your movies and shows to be lacking. Please don't roundhouse kick me!
Now that was funny!
Chuck Norris was in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) with Cayden Boyd
Cayden Boyd was in Mystic River (2003) with Kevin Bacon
Some of them are a bit graphic and off-color, so don't go there if you're easily offende.
LOL. Ok, not completely over. But close?
Chuck Norris has only two degrees of separation from any man who has ever had sex with a woman.
I think you should take out the word "panned" and replace it with "revered". Guys in the 18-30 age range are attempting to regain their masculinity. What better role model for that than Chuck Norris. He's a good decent man . . . who will kick the living s**t out of anyone who isn't!!
"Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f!!king Indian."
I darn near spit my coffee out!
I play the online game World of Warcraft. And lately I've been seeing all this Chuck Norris stuff filling up the general chat channels in alot of the major cities all the time. Seems kinda pointless to me, but it's a fad I guess.
Indidently, did you know that when Chuck Norris does pushups he is actually pushing the Earth down? I didn't realize that before...
Bill Brasky came along first.
Yeah Bones, I first heard the Chuck Norris stuff in WoW. I think we were raiding UBRS, we downed the Beast and someone upped with, "PWNED! Like Chuck Norris on a blind man!"
Now that I understand it, there's much more hilarity to the comment.
Has anyone seen Conan O'Brian playing random Walker Texas Ranger clips on his show? Pretty funny stuff!
"Little surprise that he's being panned by pop culture now. He's a conservative Christian whose main political involvement is an initiative that the Bible be offered as a course in public schools. He also cites the removal of public prayer from schools as a huge turning point in our society."
He's not really being panned right now. In fact.. I would watch for a fatal roundhouse any time now just for saying that. By the time you see Chuck coming, though, it'll be too late.. :P
That's funny stuff! Ever used shad sides for cat-bait? I put it on the treblehook while wearing rubber gloves & holding my breath. But channels love it.
Having said that:
1.) Anything that comes out of Brown University is suspect; and,
2.) Chuck Norris can sharpen a lawn mover blade
while the mower is running.
"Yeah Bones, I first heard the Chuck Norris stuff in WoW. I think we were raiding UBRS, we downed the Beast and someone upped with, "PWNED! Like Chuck Norris on a blind man!" "
You raid UBRS? SWEET! I'm not quite there yet, still level 47. But I hope to hit Molten Core and all that stuff eventually. pwned! :P
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer is, of course: Chuck Norris.
And then she turned into Cindy Sheehan???
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Right up the street, baby!
My favorite: Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.