Enlightened dumbfounded by Canadians

The Austin American-Statesman. ^ | June 10, 2006 | James Lileks

[neverdem]

NEWHOUSE NEWS SERVICE

You're an enlightened world citizen. Your T-shirt says "9/11 was an inside job." You're pretty sure we're living in a fascist state, that President Bush taps the Dixie Chicks' phones, Christian abortion clinic bombers outnumber jihadis, and the war on "terror" is a distraction from the real threats: carbon emissions and Pat Robertson. Then you learn that 17 people were arrested in a terrorist bomb plot. How do you process the information? Let's take it step by step.

Gosh, that's horrible, you think. But no — that's what they want you to feel. Recall the prime directive: Question Authority (unless he's a college professor). The plotters must have been impoverished olive farmers radicalized by the removal of Saddam Hussein. Why, if someone came in and toppled your president, you'd go to their country and — well, you'd thank them. Unless they did it for the wrong reasons! Then you'd blow something up. Like an SUV dealership. At night. Anyway, you understand; you care a lot about Iraqis these days.

Wait a minute: The "terrorists" were Canadian? You can understand someone blowing up trains in Spain and London. They sent troops to an illegal war cooked up by neocons who want to kill brown people for Exxon and Jesus, or something. You can understand, reluctantly, blowing up teens in an Israeli pizza parlor, because the Jews took the West Bank from the sovereign, ancient nation of Palestine. But Canada? Isn't Michael Moore from Canada? You can get medical marijuana from married gay doctors in Canada, and no one has guns. You console yourself: Maybe they were really planning to attack the United States.

You realize the suspects were all Muslim, and you dread the inevitable pogroms. Haven't been any yet, but any day now. You read that a mosque was vandalized in Toronto after the arrest, and you feel a certain grim relief. Finally, racism! Banners. If you're going to have a march, you'll need banners.

But wait. You read that the suspects were not connected to al Qaeda and you're confused for a moment. Maybe it won't be over if they get Osama bin Laden (provided he isn't really in an supersecret Idaho prison). What if the "terrorists" hate you for their own reasons? The evildoer-in-chief said "they hate our freedoms" — as if we have freedoms, really, just try and get a bike-messenger job that has full health benefits.

Maybe you could convince them to hold off while you fix Amerikkka. At least you can get it down to one k. Maybe if the Democrats take the House back. A 10-seat swing won't make the imams cool down, but 20 seats, in red states? Would that be a good-faith effort?

You worry this will push Haditha off the front page. It's very important that everyone concentrate on the atrocities committed by U.S. troops. (It's such a relief not to have to pretend to support the troops anymore.) Anyway, nothing happened. Nothing blew up. If the suspects were planning something, they didn't do it, and this proves we can handle this as a law enforcement matter. Even though the police are racists.

Your head hurts.

You find yourself almost wishing there was another real attack, so people could see the logical consequences of "fighting back" after 9/11. Yes, it would be bad, but sometimes you have to break an egg to show people the health impact of omelettes. Is it wrong to wish the Canadian terrorists might have succeeded?

Shouldn't you know the answer to that question?

[Windsong]

"You read that a mosque was vandalized in Toronto after the arrest

There IS hope for Canada after all!!!!

First, the election of Harper, and now this! Keeps gettin better n better!

[Windsong]

BTW, brilliant article. :)

[Cyclopean Squid]

Good read. When I am bored (which is often) I like to pretend I'm a leftist. It's very easy to rail against the hegemonic Western imperialist machinery that deprives minorities of fundamental rights while enriching the bloodsucking capitalist oppressors.

[StJacques]

". . . Recall the prime directive: Question Authority (unless he's a college professor). . . ."

I loved that line.

[TheWasteLand]

The "terrorists" were Canadian?

Not only Canadian, but some were born in Canada. Put that in your pipe and smoke it lefties.

You worry this will push Haditha off the front page.

This is a concern for most Democrats. It shows how far that party has sunk.

Altogether, an amusing take on a typical lefty's response.

[Das Outsider]

Excellent article. It has a sort of Mark Steyn quality to it.

[Das Outsider]

It's very easy to rail against the hegemonic Western imperialist machinery that deprives minorities of fundamental rights while enriching the bloodsucking capitalist oppressors.

Just for fun, you should print up a fake Indian tribe membership card. Sounds like you need props.

[I still care]

I saw the front page of the NY Times today. It sort of read like this.

[frankiep]

LOL!!!

Absolutely, beyond words, OUTSTANDING!!!

[Archangel86]

Lileks ping

[ozzymandus]

I confidently predict that no leftist will learn a single thing from this arrest of 17 terrorists in Canada. Leftists are, by (my) definition, unteachable.

[Das Outsider]

Leftists are, by (my) definition, unteachable.

You can't teach a dead dog any tricks at all.

[TheWasteLand]

I saw the front page of the NY Times today.

You have a stronger stomach than I. Not only can I not bear to read the Times anymore, I can't even bear to look at it ;)

[Jedi Master Pikachu]

ping for future use.

[Jedi Master Pikachu]

The mosque shouldn't have been vandalized. Closed probably, but not vandalized. Muslims and islam should be faced in a rational and mature manner, though at least they (the Canadian vandals) got the proper religion and were nonviolent. After September 11, a Sikh (not a Muslim) was killed.

[downtownconservative]

"...just try and get a bike-messenger job that has full health benefits."

They rioted in France for just this type issue. And the frogs caved. Tongue-in-cheek is getting to be toooo easy when referring to the walleyed left.

[TheMole]

The mosque may well have been "vandalized" by radical Muslims themselves. It's given the media a way to take the emphasis off of the arrests, the ammonium nitrate, the plans to attack Parliament et cetera, and instead lead with the story of the broken mosque windows.

[I still care]

Just the headlines of the NY Times drip of Bush hatred.

Today:

After Long Hunt, US Bombs Kill Leader of Al Queda in Iraq (it took Bush forever to find him)

Hatred He Bred is Sure to Survive Terrorists Death (it's useless anyway, they just hate us)

Bush Calls Mission Still Difficult, Cabinet Deadlock Ends (It's just too hard)

How Survellience and Betrayal Led to a Hunt's End (We can only claim half the credit, because some traitor betrayed this poor man)

100 Ton Symbols of a Recovery Still Suspended (and Bush still hasn't fixed things from Katrina)

US Approved Use of Vaccine for Cervical Cancer (At least women can run around being promiscuous without getting too diseased)

Headline of Denver Post:
Eliminated

Headline of Colorado Gazette:
He'll Never Murder Again

Chicago Sun Times:
Got Him

To be sure, some NYTimes wannabes led with Headlines like
Death of Terrorist won't stop Insurgency
Which is really just an editorial in BIG print.

I wish they would just print the news instead of their opinion of it.

[backhoe]

Terror Strike Toronto ( Aborted! )-- Click the picture: