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Over the fire I chatted with a neighbor who’s working on the “Red Dawn” remake. Get this: in the new version, China and Russia invade the US – to put a stop to our greed. There are times you wish you had a mouthful of kerosene so you could do a flaming spit take. If this is how the film turns out, it’ll be hilarious; it’s as if the filmmakers were a bit ambivalent about all the horrible jingoism that such a film might unleash, so they had to temper it with a bit of theoretical altruism that could be...

The love of chrome-and-glass modern restaurants is probably due to one place, which I’ve mentioned before – the Erie Jr. in Detroit Lakes, MN. It had a counter, a high ceiling, plastic booths in vivid hues, a roof that looked like it space ships could dock in the back, and it had that space-age vibe that shimmered off so many new things when I was very young. We had a keen sense of the future then; we knew the toys we had today would be the tools of the future. You know how you put your hand out the window...

Just heard James Lileks on the Northern Alliance radio network. He had a great idea for a T-shirt slogan: "QUESTION O-THORITY" Using, of course, the big Obama "O" at the beginning. Any talented FReeper photoshoppers want to whip up a graphic like that?

It is Daisy’s policy to only sell directly, via phone order or internet order, to persons 21 years of age or older who complete and submit this affidavit of age. You must already have an affidavit on file or complete one now in order for us to be able to process your order. State statutes and/or local ordinances prohibit the sale and possession of air guns, CO2 guns and slingshots in some areas. We are unable to ship airguns into Chicago, Morton Grove, Buffalo, Philadelphia, Bronx, Brooklyn, Long Island City, Manhattan, Queens, New York City and Staten Island. Persons in...

Our bridge problems never end. The Lowry Avenue bridge may close permanently, since it apparently has the structural integrity of cotton candy in a hot shower. It'll cost $100 mil to replace. Or we could just get cars over the Mississippi via large slingshots, or a trebuchet. The Bryant Avenue footbridge over the Minnehaha Creek was closed this week due to "possible future problems relating to gravity," to paraphrase the official findings. I went to the creek to examine the bridge's condition, and I'll say this: If there's one word I don't want used to describe the steel in a...

Scroll down and begin reading here:On the radio today Medved and Hewitt both asked Obama supporters to call and say why they were supporting their man. Specifics, please. The replies were rather indistinct...

Love of country must always be qualified these days, lest anyone think you are unaware of slavery, insufficiently regulated railroad stock offerings, Lester Maddox or the attempt by Philip Morris to conceal the addictive nature of cigarettes. Say “I love this country” at a dinner table with strangers, and it’s like shave and a haircut without the two bits. But? But? We are an exceptional nation, to be sure, but you can’t leave it at that. We are exceptionally misguided, exceptionally lazy and xenophobic, shot through to the pith with bilious perfidy, and our sole redeeming quality is our ability...

[UPDATE 05/06/07: Dedicated to the Minneapolis Star Tribune.] *************************Dear Subscriber: According to our records, your 1957 subscription to The Claxon is scheduled to expire soon. Please don't let this happen! $2 per month will buy you the Quint-State area's leading newspaper, delivered each morning by one of our cheerful Junior Claxoneer news lads -- like 12-year old Claxon Carrier of the Year Skip Olbermaier! Each issue is packed with items of interest around our community - like: Goings-on at City Hall, including the controversial $0.0032 sales tax plan! Publisher Felton Beswick Jr. keeps you up-to-date on the Red Menace! The...

The most heated topic in the blogosphere this week was the announcement by James Lileks, one of the world's most popular bloggers, that his longtime employer, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, was taking away his print column and putting him back on the reporting beat. This announcement, which first appeared late Monday night in Lileks' column, initially drew shocked disbelief, then an explosion of anger  mostly in the form of letters to Lileks in support (including one from me) and to the Star-Tribune in righteous fury. On his radio show, Hugh Hewitt devoted a couple hours of precious airtime to the...

James Lileks is a funny guy and a damn fine writer. I’ve been reading him at Lileks.com since 2002 and am amazed that he hasn’t been snapped up by a major national paper. For a long time he did have an indispensible political column with Newhouse News Service (ha, no link, losers) that, a couple of weeks ago, was abruptly dispensed. And now his home paper, the Minneapolis Star Tribune (likewise), has decided that since they have in Lileks a nationally-known top-notch bestselling humor writer and political commentator, they need to… …pick up the slack left by Newhouse and give...

Anything else today? Well, how about a book review? My friend Hugh Hewitt has written a political biography of Mitt Romney, and I can recommend it for one solid reason: this marks the second time in my life I have looked for my name in the index, and found it. Aside from that, I can recommend it on several levels. I should preface this by saying I’m not a Romney guy. It has nothing to do with his creed. I think his accomplishments are impressive, his public persona solid and direct. I think he is what he seems to be....

Lileks: Thoughts on the last indispensable nation on Earth By JAMES LILEKS Tuesday February 20, 2007 An asteroid is heading for Earth. A big one. It's called "Apophis,'' which might be Greek for "uh oh,'' and it will come "uncomfortably close'' to Earth on April 13, 2036. (It's a Sunday.) The odds are 1 in 45,000 that the rock will strike the planet, throwing up sufficient dust to cause a massive drop in temperatures, thereby curing global warming. Hmm: Perhaps "Apophis'' is Greek for "repairman,'' and the technical term for this celestial event is "service call.'' Based on the movies,...

Giving context to Pariah Kerryby James Lileks At the international Davos gabfest, John Kerry called the United States "an international pariah.'' While that does set us apart from nations that manage to be pariahs domestically, it makes you wonder if his quotes were taken out of context. He's smart. He went to college, studied hard. How did he manage to get stuck in Switzerland? The Davos conference is the annual gathering of bespoke-suited nomenklatura who hang around lobbies smoking cigarettes before heading into smaller rooms to talk about important things, like reducing cigarette consumption in Third World countries. No...

Putting an end to the Saddam problemby James Lileks Opponents of capital punishment may have contemplated Saddam's execution by recalling Groucho Marx's quote about never forgetting a face: For you, I'll make an exception. One might argue that the trial could have been less farcical; one might have enjoyed seeing Saddam answer for all his crimes, including the deaths of 100,000 Kurds in 1987-88. In the end, however, he had but one neck to give for his country, and he proved that no man is above the law. Especially the one concerning gravity. Tyrants in other countries might have felt...

We Have Met the Enemy, and It Moooos BY JAMES LILEKS In another display of pitch-perfect priorities, the U.N. has released its findings on cow flatulence. There's quite a lot of it.The 400-page study, $27 million of which probably went to Saddam Hussein for old times' sake, discovered that the planet's livestock, including 1.5 billion cattle, produce 18 percent of greenhouse gases. Apparently the beasts of the field do nothing but wander around all day asking their brethren to "pull my hoof." Every time a cow feels a small sense of relief, a polar bear goes through the ice. Or...

Danny DeVito's disgraceful performance on "The View." the clip shows him referring to the President in terms vulgar enough that they were bleeped out by ABC; what it doesn't show ...were his remarks about having sex with his wife on every surface in the Lincoln Bedroom. Discussing the episode on today's Hugh Hewitt show, the incredibly talented James Lileks made a very perceptive remark about DeVito's comments about the Lincoln Bedroom -- to the effect that DeVito was the type of person who couldn't bear to leave anything undebased. Absolutely true... people like Danny DeVito have always been with us....

Tony Blair Goes Wobbly on Us BY JAMES LILEKSSurely the Democratic victories brought long faces to the terrorist schemers: If the United States bolts out of Iraq as quickly as now seems possible, al-Qaida will be left without a plan for the occupation. They'd anticipated taking power in '08, after a protracted leeching of American resolve -- but now?Al-Qaida lacks the boots on the ground to perform the nationwide slaughter required to sunder a nascent democracy. It's one thing to ask your patrons for more bullets; it's quite another to request overnight delivery of the backhoes for mass graves. Must...

Where Is America Going? by James Lileks It's just a midterm election. It's not the end of the world. That comes later, if the wrong side wins. Or not. Depends. Much of the world's fate is out of the hands of Congress, believe it or not. If Republicans keep the House of Representatives, you won't see newly energized congressmen leading a secret team to destroy Iranian nukes. If the Democrats win, it's doubtful al-Qaida will melt away. (A 25-seat majority? We had expected twice that! All is lost!) The Democrats could spend two fruitful, productive years trying to impeach the...

Surprise! North Korea Is Acting Up Againby James Lileks It's a strange, sick world where one dinky nuclear test can knock the Mark Foley scandal off the front page. Is it really big news? North Korea's nuclear capability has been tacitly assumed for a few years, and learning they actually set one off is a bit like hearing Paris Hilton appeared unsteady as she left a club. Still, an actual nuclear explosion does focus the mind, and makes you wonder what comes next. Let history be our guide: First we had the Clinton talks, in which North Korea promised to...

Mum's the Word, Lest We Provoke a Lethal Tantrumby James Lileks Clip and save, for this may come in handy: If you mock Islam with a drawing or a novel, you get riots and dead people. News of mishandled holy books yields riots and dead people. Insufficiently reverent short films by a Dutchman yields a dead person, specifically the Dutchman. Now we add this detail: Quoting medieval religious colloquies is a reasonable justification for burning churches, shooting a nun and holding up signs demanding that the pope convert to Islam or saw off his own head. (There have been reports...

Imagine the Response to 9/11 Had Been Diplomacy and Restraint by James Lileks After Sept. 11, 2001, no one thought five years would pass without additional attacks. Everyone believed a vast and sinister hidden army would roll out the horrors -- sacks of anthrax dumped into mall ventilation shafts, smallpox vials snapped open in every major city. It felt as if we'd spend the next year punching at shadows until we blew the Axis of Evil into cinders and settled back to enjoy the newly crimsoned sunsets. Or until we curled into a ball and asked them to stop kicking...

Losing Focus in the Long War by James Lileks Recent times make perfect sense, if you're walking on your hands. Otherwise it's all upside down. Last week was a perfect example. The Brits foiled a terror plot to blow up airplanes, and since it reminded us there are still suicidal maniacs around, it felt like bad news. Then the West struck a deal with Hezbollah and its paymasters, and it was regarded as a positive development. Peace in our time, and all that. It's a wonder they didn't pass out tiny collectible umbrellas from the Franklin Mint "Neville Chamberlain Collection"...

Fidel Castro Meets the Angel of History by James Lileks Scene: A secret Havana military hospital. A frail, old man snaps awake and stares. There's a stranger seated next to the bed, a long, unlit cigar in one hand. The stranger leans back and smiles. "Don't be alarmed," he says. "It's just me, the Angel of History. I like to have a chat with men of your stature at times like this. Good run, old chap; dying in bed. Well played! A little advice? Pretend to die just as you're telling them the secret Swiss bank account numbers. Drives...

I am very disappointed in the way things appear to be going in the war between Israel and Hezbollah and the efforts of the rest of the world to bring a de-escalation in the fighting. President Bush has been working hard writing a peace and ceasefire agreement for Israel and Hezbollah. It infuriates me to think that we are spending our time writing truces with terrorists who's only life goal is the genocide of Israel and the annihilation of western civilization. We must look incredibly ridiculous to the enemy. Bush's attempt to make peace with Muslim terrorists is in complete...

America's Peaceniks Rally for the Wrong Side BY JAMES LILEKS As invasions go, it lacked punch: 200 troops and five pickup trucks with machine guns. You can find 10 times the firepower in a NASCAR parking lot. Still, it was an invasion, and as the Ethiopia-Somalia war threatened to enter its second week ...Oh, who cares. Even though Somalia is run by Islamists so extreme they make the Taliban look like lapsed Unitarians, the progressive peace movement would take notice of the region only if Uncle Satan intervened to help Ethiopia support the U.N.-recognized government. And then the progressives would...

You can't call this the Arab-Israeli war of '06, since some of the usual belligerents have declined to participate. You could call it World War III, as Newt Gingrich has suggested, but that annoys everyone who wanted the Cold War to be WWIII, never mind that we got it out of the way without a nuclear swapmeet. You could call it the Israel-Hezbollah War, but that lets Syria and Iran off the hook. So let's just call it Bush's Fault. At least that's what Howard Dean proposes. The energetic head of the Democratic National Committee had this to say:

A few people wrote to ask why I linked to that shallow cup of froth on the HuffPo the other day; not a few asked why I condemned this but not that, which was the condemnable thing of the week for some. Fine. Consider it condemned. I should just come up with an all-purpose graphic of myself with my lips cinched tighter than a chicken’s rectum, with the words IF YOU THINK I SHOULD CONDEMN IT THEN I PROBABLY DO, because I am not a great fan of high-octane bile delivered via firehose 24/7. As I have said before, to...

Embracing a Sept. 10 Mentality BY JAMES LILEKSWe've all had tense moments going through the airport screening line. Visions of a dank Turkish prison basement flash before you when the forgotten penknife is discovered in your carry-on. The screeners are under great strain, lest they let a weapon on board -- or, much worse, single someone out based on a Saudi passport. It's hard for all. Example. There was a peculiar event in a Houston airport check-in line recently: A fellow shook his head no when asked if his luggage had a laptop; the X-ray machine found a laptop. He...

Truth, Justice and the American Whatever BY JAMES LILEKS Outrage of the summer: The new "Superman" movie edited out "The American Way" from the Krypton immigrant's rally cry. The Daily Planet editor says Supe's now all about "Truth, Justice and all that stuff." Makes perfect sense. Consider the foreign markets, where "the American Way" means Abu Ghraib and McDonald's. Don't remind them! They might burn the theater. (If that's their way.) Besides, it makes sense to have a newspaper editor treat the line with gruff dismissal, since hard-bitten editors don't get starry-eyed over patriotic hogwash. Except when discussing the people's...

All the Classified Info That's Fit to Discloseby James LileksIt seems as if The New York Times is revealing all our national security secrets. But relax -- they have their limits. If The Times learned that U.S. troops were force-feeding Gitmo detainees with Coca-Cola, they wouldn't publish Coke's secret formula. They might get sued. If there's a CIA program that uses offensive cartoons of Muhammad to communicate with agents, they'll keep mum, lest they have to publish the images. But secret law-enforcement-type programs as classified as the access code to The Times' top-floor elevator? Fair game. You've got the right...

Democrats' 'New Direction for America' Is a Wrong Turn BY JAMES LILEKS The Democrats have many mantras and slogans: "grim milestone," "hopeless quagmire," "culture of corruption" and "Karl Rove's dingo ate my baby." But for a while they've had one big overall slogan, dripping with gusto: "Together, America Can Do Better."Not will, or should, or must, but "can." It's like saying, "Together, Frenchmen can win a hot-dog speed eating contest." Doesn't mean it's going to happen, or that you'd want to watch. But it's typical of modern politics -- vague and patriotic, but not so patriotic it would unnerve a...

(Herewith is document No. 2322, obtained during recent raids following the airstrike that killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.) From the desk of Abu Yassin al-Noobei, al-Qaida No. 1 in Iraq as of 11:17 this morning. Greetings in these trying times. Thank you for the many encouragements and gifts, especially the box of delicious dates, although I must note that one of the dates has been beeping softly since I opened the package. If this is some manner of insect, I request that you refrain in the future from — Tarry a moment; there's a plane overhead; wonder if it's a ......

NEWHOUSE NEWS SERVICE You're an enlightened world citizen. Your T-shirt says "9/11 was an inside job." You're pretty sure we're living in a fascist state, that President Bush taps the Dixie Chicks' phones, Christian abortion clinic bombers outnumber jihadis, and the war on "terror" is a distraction from the real threats: carbon emissions and Pat Robertson. Then you learn that 17 people were arrested in a terrorist bomb plot. How do you process the information? Let's take it step by step. Gosh, that's horrible, you think. But no — that's what they want you to feel. Recall the prime directive:...

NEWHOUSE NEWS SERVICE News story: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has sent an 18-page letter to President Bush. No word on whether it was handwritten in tiny type, margin to margin, and wrapped in tinfoil. Herewith are some excerpts: Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey despoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish (293 words excised) shah-licking son of a toad's offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope should you wish to reply. (429 words concerning Jewish penetration of the Postal...

Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey depoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish (293 words excised) Shah-licking son of a toad’s offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope should you wish to reply. (429 words concerning Jewish penetration of the Postal System excised) . . . Our people glow with pride over our nuclear efforts, sometimes literally. I repeat that the enrichment is for peaceful purposes only, and we seek only peace, and peace is our goal, and there...

'Republican' Immigrants vs. 'Democratic' Immigrants BY JAMES LILEKS The entire illegal immigration problem isn't that difficult. Just annex Mexico. Upside: lots of oil at popular prices. Downside: Once the Mexicans are Americans, they will presumably be unwilling to put up drywall or pick tomatoes, since those are "jobs Americans will not do." So maybe that's not a good idea.Try this, then: Build a wall, tall and long. If you really want to horrify the world, put barbed wire on the top; this signals your intention to violate the most basic human right, namely, the right to go to California for...

The Real Culprit in Our Worldwide Image Problem BY JAMES LILEKS SecDef Rumsfeld, speaking before the Army War College the other day, graded the way the United States made its case to the world on the war against Islamists. "D plus," he said. "Maybe a D."He's right. And it's worse than he thinks. Despite the beliefs of some that the Bush team pumps out doublespeak propaganda 24/7 via Fox News mind-control rays, the administration has been unable to persuade millions of Americans that death-cult totalitarians are an existential threat to the civilized world. You'd think the case would be self-explanatory,...

Desperately Seeking Fiscal Prudence in the Wilderness That Is Washington BY JAMES LILEKS Hoorah! The new budget has arrived, and it proves Bill Clinton right: The era of big government is over. The era of REALLY BIG government is just getting started, to be followed eventually by the era of government so big that it blocks out the sun and has its own gravitational field. Why such prodigality from a self-professed conservative? Well, President Bush, goes the argument, has decided not to argue. Rather than attempt to shave a few billion pounds off Uncle Sugar's Brobdingnagian posterior, he has chosen...

Simple Rules for Making a Fool of Yourself on the Internet BY JAMES LILEKS The Washington Post had to suspend comments on the ombudsman's blog because flame-belching trolls overwhelmed the conversation. Apparently she made the mistake of writing something contrary to received wisdom, and was strung up and burned in virtual effigy.Disclaimer: The ombudsman, Deborah Howell, is a former employer of yours truly; we go way back. Ms. Howell, it should be noted, could dress down the drill instructor from "Full Metal Jacket," so the fact that the blog commentors are still breathing is a testament to the anonymity and...

The story made every Blue Stater sit up straight and hiss: The mask has dropped. It's begun. A college student at the University of Massachusetts requested a copy of Mao's "Little Red Book" from the Dartmouth library and was subsequently visited by federal agents. A professor vouched for his tale. The news wires picked up the story. Blogs frothed. Columnists great and small rent their garments. Finally, the true face of Chimpy W. Pretzelchoker's Amerikkka had shown itself. Today, goon-squads bracing innocent Mao scholars; tomorrow, the Reichstag burns. No, that was 9/11. Tomorrow, Kristallnacht! The worst has come true, and...

I defy anyone to find anything in a modern newspaper as bracing or blunt – or as long, for that matter – as this much-discussed Mark Steyn piece on the decline of the West. I’ve felt the same things for the last few years, and it’s not out of some grim censorious distaste for eyebrow rings and wardrobe malfunctions. I do not worry about libertinism. I worry about libertines who think the greatest threat to the imminent Utopia is a Wal-Mart exec who refuses to stock a CD because the lyrics celebrate shooting cops in the head, or who think...

Vive la Difference! BY JAMES LILEKS Francophiles may unclench. After weeks of national unrest, Jacques Chirac finally got tough on the car-broilers: He proposed job training for 50,000 of the unemployed malcontents. That'll teach 'em.Of course, job training is one thing; actual jobs are another. Given the French economic performance -- regularly described as anemic, which might be apt if the body had any blood left -- the chance of 50,000 jobs materializing for the rioters is rather slim. But you can see the point. "My father in Algiers," the rioter may think, "he was unable to find work as a...

Wonder Why the Republicans Are So Depressed? Look Left BY JAMES LILEKSPerhaps it's good the Bush administration is getting the third year of the second term out of the way in the first. Soldier up, learn from the mistakes, move on. But move on they can't. Not yet. The Alito bump notwithstanding, a peculiar sort of depression affects many Republicans these days. Indictments both grave and specious? Sigh. The Harriet Miers internecine death-match? Alas. But there's more. The Valerie Plame imbroglio suggests -- merely suggests, mind you -- that the left's true objective is to undermine the rationale for war...

There'll Always Be an England -- Or Will There? by James Lileks "I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Most people think Voltaire said that. He didn't, but I will defend your right to say he did. It's a nice sentiment anyway, deployed by those who regard themselves as the unswayable advocates of Frank and Open Debate. But everyone has limits. Great Britain is discovering those limits now, as the government debates a law that would criminalize nasty jokes aimed at certain religions. To those who've lamented...

America, the Killjoy Nation by James Lileks Another day, another international conference, another meaningless display of unity. But with lovely gift bags, we're sure. The latest example: a UNESCO compact, sanctified in October at a conference in Tunisia, supporting the rights of nations to control the import of entertainment from other countries, all in the name of "cultural diversity." Otherwise Bugs Bunny cartoons would pose a mortal threat to the state-controlled monoculture of most nations. The United States opposes the compact, because we're mean and hate everyone, if you read the press. But was the U.S. vote correct? Let us...

Tribute to ElBaradei, or Slap at Great Satan? by James Lileks What caused the Pakistan earthquakes? If you trust Venezuela's Castro-wannabe Hugo Chavez, it was the free market. Adam Smith's invisible hand, flipping mankind the bird. The "world global capitalist model," Chavez insisted, " ... is destroying the world. The world is in danger. Never have there been such disasters, hurricanes, droughts, torrential rains. Incredible! The world is dangerously off balance." By this theory, Gaia is mad at us because we cut down trees and buy sneakers. Gaia is peeved because people want to drive to work in offices heated...

The wailing! The gnashing! The rending of garments! If the conservative reaction to Harriet Miers is any indication, George W. Bush has no chance of winning a third term. The decision to appoint a relative unknown — or, given her proximity to the Bush inner circle, an unknown relative — has caused many on the right to open a vein and let the despair flow out into the warm bath of misery, disappointment and overextended metaphors. Why didn't Bush clone Antonin Scalia in a dish and appoint him? Here, use some stem cells if you have to. Anyone but another...

Iraq Isn't Vietnam, But It Would Be If We Left by James Lileks Another year, another anti-everything rally on the Mall. The protesters insisted that 3.2 billion people showed up for the latest example of radical onanism; D.C. authorities put the number somewhat lower, but they're an arm of The Man, so what do you expect? Cindy Sheehan was on hand to squander whatever moral heft accumulated during her Texas driveway campout, complaining that Hurricane Rita got more press coverage, topping off the weekend by getting arrested at the White House with a big grin on her face. She...

How an Anti-Pork Initiative Could Pay for Katrina Reconstructionby James Lileks When President Bush announced he would prefer to cut spending rather than raise taxes to pay for New Orleans' reconstruction, many conservatives were concerned: WHAT DID YOU DO WITH GEORGE? Surely space aliens had swapped out Gee-Dub for some syntho-bot constructed in an orbital lab, because the Bush they know and love is not known for fiscal restraint. Then again, who is? Many on the left view Katrina as an excellent opportunity to jack up taxes on those squat little spats-wearing plutocrats who stroll around Broadway thrashing the poor...

The Sorry State of Modern Civic Memorialsby James Lileks How best to memorialize the victims of Katrina? Some would love a statue of President Bush in a dunce cap, strumming a guitar, with a quote on the plinth from Howard Dean: "He doesn't care about people." But an actual statue is out of the question, since we don't do literal-minded monuments much anymore. You could have the modern memorial, abstract and sorrowful -- 800 small buses arranged in a pool, with the words "Never Again" in stone. The original design called for "It Will Never Happen Again" to be carved,...