Iowahawk: Subscribe Now!

Iowahawk | 5/6/7 | David Burge

[IowaHawk]

[UPDATE 05/06/07: Dedicated to the Minneapolis Star Tribune.]

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Dear Subscriber:

According to our records, your 1957 subscription to The Claxon is scheduled to expire soon. Please don't let this happen! $2 per month will buy you the Quint-State area's leading newspaper, delivered each morning by one of our cheerful Junior Claxoneer news lads -- like 12-year old Claxon Carrier of the Year Skip Olbermaier! Each issue is packed with items of interest around our community - like:

• Goings-on at City Hall, including the controversial $0.0032 sales tax plan!

• Publisher Felton Beswick Jr. keeps you up-to-date on the Red Menace!

• The latest Capitol dispatches from our Washington DC cub reporter Bob Smalls!

• Friendly sportscribe Jocko Culligan follows the Quints on another pennant run, and the QSU Scalpin' Injuns all the way to the Petunia Bowl!

• "Kiddie capers" with adorable 7-year old Beswick twins Eileen and Feltie!

• Complete TV listings for both channels!

• Household cleaning tips for the ladies from beloved Beswick Manor maid Ol' Aunt Mammie!

• Full color Sunday comics featuring Lil' Chester, Swirley, and Buzz Galvin All-American!

Plus the latest market quotes for stocks, and crop forecasts for local turnip farmers. Just try to get that coverage from so-called "television news"! And if you order now, we'll include free daily delivery of the Evening Ledger. Don't delay, renew today!

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Dear Subscriber:

Our records show that your subscription to The Claxon-Ledger is about to expire. 1967 promises to be a year full of Quint State Area news, and under the leadership of new Publisher Felton Beswick III the award-winning Claxon-Ledger will keep you informed! Unlike TV, we will give you the stories behind the stories, with hard-hitting journalism like:

• How the Quint State area plans to rebuild in the wake of the race riots sparked by the Mammie Jackson murder!

• Why new clues suggest Mammie was killed by communist Negro LSD agitators who infiltrated Beswick Manor!

• "Hippies - can they happen here?" An interview with QSU Radical Maoist League Pledge Chairman Skip Olbermaier!

• Feltie Beswick leads the Quint State's popular Anti-Dope Teencrusaders to San Francisco!

• Washington Insider Bob Smalls tells you why LBJ looks unbeatable in '68!

• coverage of the big "Support Our Vietnam Troops" rally at Quints Field!

• Jocko Culligan handicaps the ponies at Quint State Downs!

• Newly elected Turnip Growers president Earl Yardley says things are looking up for America's third-favorite root vegetable!

• All the latest on the local social scene from our "gossip gal" Kitty Cooper, including Lake Pointe Woods Deb of the Year Eileen Beswick!

Plus horoscopes, easy to read classifieds, community coupons and much much more -- all for the low monthly price of $4! Send in your renewal now!

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Dear Subscriber:

As you know last year was a trying time for the Claxon-Ledger, but thanks to the new 1977 collective bargaining agreement between Felton Beswick III and the Almagamated News Lads Union, those troubles are hopefully a thing of the past. We apologize to any subscribers who may have missed our Bicentennial coverage or had a house burned down by a rogue carrier in the confusion, and hope it won't keep you from renewing your subscription. For the bargain price of $10 per month you can enjoy home delivery of award-winning journalists like reporter Skip Olbermaier whose daring exposés helped end the Vietnam nightmare and put Nixon's Assistant Undersecretary of Agriculture for Turnip Affairs Earl Yardley behind bars. Just look at our some of our coverage!

• Washington Bureau Chief Bob Smalls interviews new 'First Brother' Billy Carter and explains how "Peanut Power" will get you and America back on your feet!

• 5 years later, why the Kitty Cooper murder case still baffles local police!

• Columnist Skip Olbermaier travels to newly liberated Cambodia and finds out what makes dynamic leader Pol Pot so popular!

• In Sports, read about the mess behind the "CB Radio Demolition Night" disaster at Quints Field, and play the Quint State Downs ponies with Jocko Culligan's uncanny horse picks!

• Money saving coupons!

• Roving fashion editor Eileen Beswick samples the metro disco scene and puts all of the new synthetic fabrics to the Boogie Fever test!

• C-L meteorologist Dr. Paul Grant tells you how to prepare for the coming Ice Age predicted by top QSU scientists!

• Polish your Pong game with the C-L's teen Atari pro Ray Gilder!

• Travel & Tennis editor Feltie Beswick finds the hot new vacation destinations in Mexico, Columbia, and Peru!

• All-new comics featuring Dingleberry, Right On!, and Lil' Nguyen for the Quint State's growing boat people community!

With that kind of News You Can Use™, no wonder the Claxon-Ledger remains the Quint State area print leader. Call one of our friendly phone reps today for guaranteed daily delivery...

Click Here for the rest of the story, and money saving coupons

[Cecily]

Iowahawk, their unfair and biased reporting on the Midwest Peace Process probably drove off subscribers too.

[SmithL]

Read this or else!

(They know where you live!)

[visualops]

ROFL!!
And on a related note- in a bold new move sure to up readership, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune reassigns James Lileks to local straight news.

[visualops]

ahhh now I see the “update” heh

[dighton]

Died on the day of its birth after only five replies. Brother, can you spare a drink?

[martin_fierro]

T3h Hawk = T3h Phunny

[aculeus]

Bump ... or else.

[Constitution Day]

Bump, ‘cause that’s what all the Kool Kids are doing.

(Hawk, you are a genius)

[T'wit]

I enclose my check for $499.95. Please resume mailing me your stupid rag and as my special bonus for resubscribing, send me the money-saving coupons for Chez Destinee Hills, Destinee Hills Weekend Adventures, Destinee Hills King Size Bed and Breakfast, and the Darling Friends of Destinee Hills Relaxation Spa.