Free Republic

Tony Blair Goes Wobbly on Us BY JAMES LILEKSSurely the Democratic victories brought long faces to the terrorist schemers: If the United States bolts out of Iraq as quickly as now seems possible, al-Qaida will be left without a plan for the occupation. They'd anticipated taking power in '08, after a protracted leeching of American resolve -- but now?Al-Qaida lacks the boots on the ground to perform the nationwide slaughter required to sunder a nascent democracy. It's one thing to ask your patrons for more bullets; it's quite another to request overnight delivery of the backhoes for mass graves. Must...

Where Is America Going? by James Lileks It's just a midterm election. It's not the end of the world. That comes later, if the wrong side wins. Or not. Depends. Much of the world's fate is out of the hands of Congress, believe it or not. If Republicans keep the House of Representatives, you won't see newly energized congressmen leading a secret team to destroy Iranian nukes. If the Democrats win, it's doubtful al-Qaida will melt away. (A 25-seat majority? We had expected twice that! All is lost!) The Democrats could spend two fruitful, productive years trying to impeach the...

Surprise! North Korea Is Acting Up Againby James Lileks It's a strange, sick world where one dinky nuclear test can knock the Mark Foley scandal off the front page. Is it really big news? North Korea's nuclear capability has been tacitly assumed for a few years, and learning they actually set one off is a bit like hearing Paris Hilton appeared unsteady as she left a club. Still, an actual nuclear explosion does focus the mind, and makes you wonder what comes next. Let history be our guide: First we had the Clinton talks, in which North Korea promised to...

Mum's the Word, Lest We Provoke a Lethal Tantrumby James Lileks Clip and save, for this may come in handy: If you mock Islam with a drawing or a novel, you get riots and dead people. News of mishandled holy books yields riots and dead people. Insufficiently reverent short films by a Dutchman yields a dead person, specifically the Dutchman. Now we add this detail: Quoting medieval religious colloquies is a reasonable justification for burning churches, shooting a nun and holding up signs demanding that the pope convert to Islam or saw off his own head. (There have been reports...

Imagine the Response to 9/11 Had Been Diplomacy and Restraint by James Lileks After Sept. 11, 2001, no one thought five years would pass without additional attacks. Everyone believed a vast and sinister hidden army would roll out the horrors -- sacks of anthrax dumped into mall ventilation shafts, smallpox vials snapped open in every major city. It felt as if we'd spend the next year punching at shadows until we blew the Axis of Evil into cinders and settled back to enjoy the newly crimsoned sunsets. Or until we curled into a ball and asked them to stop kicking...

Losing Focus in the Long War by James Lileks Recent times make perfect sense, if you're walking on your hands. Otherwise it's all upside down. Last week was a perfect example. The Brits foiled a terror plot to blow up airplanes, and since it reminded us there are still suicidal maniacs around, it felt like bad news. Then the West struck a deal with Hezbollah and its paymasters, and it was regarded as a positive development. Peace in our time, and all that. It's a wonder they didn't pass out tiny collectible umbrellas from the Franklin Mint "Neville Chamberlain Collection"...

Fidel Castro Meets the Angel of History by James Lileks Scene: A secret Havana military hospital. A frail, old man snaps awake and stares. There's a stranger seated next to the bed, a long, unlit cigar in one hand. The stranger leans back and smiles. "Don't be alarmed," he says. "It's just me, the Angel of History. I like to have a chat with men of your stature at times like this. Good run, old chap; dying in bed. Well played! A little advice? Pretend to die just as you're telling them the secret Swiss bank account numbers. Drives...

I am very disappointed in the way things appear to be going in the war between Israel and Hezbollah and the efforts of the rest of the world to bring a de-escalation in the fighting. President Bush has been working hard writing a peace and ceasefire agreement for Israel and Hezbollah. It infuriates me to think that we are spending our time writing truces with terrorists who's only life goal is the genocide of Israel and the annihilation of western civilization. We must look incredibly ridiculous to the enemy. Bush's attempt to make peace with Muslim terrorists is in complete...

America's Peaceniks Rally for the Wrong Side BY JAMES LILEKS As invasions go, it lacked punch: 200 troops and five pickup trucks with machine guns. You can find 10 times the firepower in a NASCAR parking lot. Still, it was an invasion, and as the Ethiopia-Somalia war threatened to enter its second week ...Oh, who cares. Even though Somalia is run by Islamists so extreme they make the Taliban look like lapsed Unitarians, the progressive peace movement would take notice of the region only if Uncle Satan intervened to help Ethiopia support the U.N.-recognized government. And then the progressives would...

You can't call this the Arab-Israeli war of '06, since some of the usual belligerents have declined to participate. You could call it World War III, as Newt Gingrich has suggested, but that annoys everyone who wanted the Cold War to be WWIII, never mind that we got it out of the way without a nuclear swapmeet. You could call it the Israel-Hezbollah War, but that lets Syria and Iran off the hook. So let's just call it Bush's Fault. At least that's what Howard Dean proposes. The energetic head of the Democratic National Committee had this to say:

A few people wrote to ask why I linked to that shallow cup of froth on the HuffPo the other day; not a few asked why I condemned this but not that, which was the condemnable thing of the week for some. Fine. Consider it condemned. I should just come up with an all-purpose graphic of myself with my lips cinched tighter than a chicken’s rectum, with the words IF YOU THINK I SHOULD CONDEMN IT THEN I PROBABLY DO, because I am not a great fan of high-octane bile delivered via firehose 24/7. As I have said before, to...

Embracing a Sept. 10 Mentality BY JAMES LILEKSWe've all had tense moments going through the airport screening line. Visions of a dank Turkish prison basement flash before you when the forgotten penknife is discovered in your carry-on. The screeners are under great strain, lest they let a weapon on board -- or, much worse, single someone out based on a Saudi passport. It's hard for all. Example. There was a peculiar event in a Houston airport check-in line recently: A fellow shook his head no when asked if his luggage had a laptop; the X-ray machine found a laptop. He...

Truth, Justice and the American Whatever BY JAMES LILEKS Outrage of the summer: The new "Superman" movie edited out "The American Way" from the Krypton immigrant's rally cry. The Daily Planet editor says Supe's now all about "Truth, Justice and all that stuff." Makes perfect sense. Consider the foreign markets, where "the American Way" means Abu Ghraib and McDonald's. Don't remind them! They might burn the theater. (If that's their way.) Besides, it makes sense to have a newspaper editor treat the line with gruff dismissal, since hard-bitten editors don't get starry-eyed over patriotic hogwash. Except when discussing the people's...

All the Classified Info That's Fit to Discloseby James LileksIt seems as if The New York Times is revealing all our national security secrets. But relax -- they have their limits. If The Times learned that U.S. troops were force-feeding Gitmo detainees with Coca-Cola, they wouldn't publish Coke's secret formula. They might get sued. If there's a CIA program that uses offensive cartoons of Muhammad to communicate with agents, they'll keep mum, lest they have to publish the images. But secret law-enforcement-type programs as classified as the access code to The Times' top-floor elevator? Fair game. You've got the right...

Democrats' 'New Direction for America' Is a Wrong Turn BY JAMES LILEKS The Democrats have many mantras and slogans: "grim milestone," "hopeless quagmire," "culture of corruption" and "Karl Rove's dingo ate my baby." But for a while they've had one big overall slogan, dripping with gusto: "Together, America Can Do Better."Not will, or should, or must, but "can." It's like saying, "Together, Frenchmen can win a hot-dog speed eating contest." Doesn't mean it's going to happen, or that you'd want to watch. But it's typical of modern politics -- vague and patriotic, but not so patriotic it would unnerve a...

(Herewith is document No. 2322, obtained during recent raids following the airstrike that killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.) From the desk of Abu Yassin al-Noobei, al-Qaida No. 1 in Iraq as of 11:17 this morning. Greetings in these trying times. Thank you for the many encouragements and gifts, especially the box of delicious dates, although I must note that one of the dates has been beeping softly since I opened the package. If this is some manner of insect, I request that you refrain in the future from — Tarry a moment; there's a plane overhead; wonder if it's a ......

NEWHOUSE NEWS SERVICE You're an enlightened world citizen. Your T-shirt says "9/11 was an inside job." You're pretty sure we're living in a fascist state, that President Bush taps the Dixie Chicks' phones, Christian abortion clinic bombers outnumber jihadis, and the war on "terror" is a distraction from the real threats: carbon emissions and Pat Robertson. Then you learn that 17 people were arrested in a terrorist bomb plot. How do you process the information? Let's take it step by step. Gosh, that's horrible, you think. But no — that's what they want you to feel. Recall the prime directive:...

NEWHOUSE NEWS SERVICE News story: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has sent an 18-page letter to President Bush. No word on whether it was handwritten in tiny type, margin to margin, and wrapped in tinfoil. Herewith are some excerpts: Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey despoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish (293 words excised) shah-licking son of a toad's offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope should you wish to reply. (429 words concerning Jewish penetration of the Postal...

Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey depoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish (293 words excised) Shah-licking son of a toad’s offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope should you wish to reply. (429 words concerning Jewish penetration of the Postal System excised) . . . Our people glow with pride over our nuclear efforts, sometimes literally. I repeat that the enrichment is for peaceful purposes only, and we seek only peace, and peace is our goal, and there...

'Republican' Immigrants vs. 'Democratic' Immigrants BY JAMES LILEKS The entire illegal immigration problem isn't that difficult. Just annex Mexico. Upside: lots of oil at popular prices. Downside: Once the Mexicans are Americans, they will presumably be unwilling to put up drywall or pick tomatoes, since those are "jobs Americans will not do." So maybe that's not a good idea.Try this, then: Build a wall, tall and long. If you really want to horrify the world, put barbed wire on the top; this signals your intention to violate the most basic human right, namely, the right to go to California for...