Posted on 08/11/2006 4:16:15 AM PDT by COBOL2Java
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Here is my contribution
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1681710/posts
That is funny.... :-)
Thanks for the laugh!
>>13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.<<
And every now and then I feel like the guy trying to see through the windshield covered with bugs.
The surgeon general has recently announced that blonde women should only shower when they are asleep since this time of the day coincides with vocal innactivity and reduces the chances of drowning.
(This is a Tenacious original)
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
23. There are three sides to every story. His side, her side, and the truth.
I got tired of not knowing when my wife of 23 years was in a bad mood. I got the bright idea to buy her a mood ring. Now, when she is in a good mood, the ring is green. When she is in a bad mood, the ring leaves a red mark on my forehead.
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a ****ing siren, would I?'
The man says, "No, Doc, I am allergic to that."
The doctor tells him, "O.K., then, we'll give you nitrous oxide."
The man says, "I am allergic to the gas."
So, then the doctor gives him two pills with a glass of water and the man takes it. The doctor comes back in 10 minutes and the man says, "Doc, will those two blue pills kill the pain?"
The doctor replies, "No, that was Viagra."
The man says, "Viagra? I don't need that! What's that going to do for me?"
The doctor replies, "It'll give you something to hang onto."
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
A carpet installer decided to take a smoke break after completing installation in the first of several rooms he’s working in. Finding his cigarettes missing from his shirt pocket. He begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet installation.
Not wanting to rip up the carpet for a lousy pack of cigarettes, he simply walked over and pounded the lump flat. Then he decided to forgo the break and continue work in the other rooms.
At the end of the day he’d completed his work and started loading up his tools into his truck. The lady of the house admired her new carpet and thanked him for a job well done. Just as he spies his pack of cigarettes on the truck dashboard, the lady asked him, “Have you seen my parakeet - he’s not in his cage?”
I defer to my tag line.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
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