Posted on 10/02/2006 9:35:15 PM PDT by goldstategop
I have always believed that there is no comparing living together with marriage. There are enormous differences between being a "husband" or a "wife" and being a "partner," a "friend" or a "significant other"; between a legal commitment and a voluntary association; between standing before family and community to publicly announce one's commitment to another person on the one hand and simply living together on the other.
But attending the weddings of two of my three children this past summer made the differences far clearer and far more significant.
First, no matter what you think when living together, your relationship with your significant other changes the moment you marry. You have now made a commitment to each other as husband and wife in front of almost everyone significant in your life. You now see each other in a different and more serious light.
Second, words matter. They deeply affect us and others. Living with your "boyfriend" is not the same as living with your "husband." And living with your "girlfriend" or any other title you give her is not the same as making a home with your "wife." Likewise when you introduce that person as your wife or husband to people, you are making a far more important statement of that person's role in your life than you are with any other title.
Third, legality matters. Being legally bound to and responsible for another person matters. It is an announcement to him/her and to yourself that you take this relationship with the utmost seriousness. No words of affection or promises of commitment, no matter how sincere, can match the seriousness of legal commitment.
Fourth, to better appreciate just how important marriage is to the vast majority of people in your life, consider this: There is no event, no occasion, no moment in your life when so many of the people who matter to you will convene in one place as they will at your wedding. Not the birth of any of your children, not any milestone birthday you may celebrate, not your child's bar-mitzvah or confirmation. The only other time so many of those you care about and who care about you will gather in one place is at your funeral. But by then, unless you die young, nearly all those you love who are older than you will have already died.
So this is it. Your wedding will be the greatest gathering of loved ones in your life. There is a reason. It is the biggest moment of your life. No such event will ever happen if you do not have a wedding.
Fifth, only with marriage will your man's or your woman's family ever become your family. The two weddings transformed the woman in my son's life into my daughter-in-law and transformed the man in my daughter's life into my son-in-law. And I was instantly transformed from the father of their boyfriend or girlfriend into their father-in-law. This was the most dramatic new realization for me. I was now related to my children's partners. Their siblings and parents became family. Nothing comparable happens when two people live together without getting married.
Many women callers to my radio show have told me that the man in their life sees no reason to marry. "It's only a piece of paper," these men (and now some women) argue.
There are two answers to this argument.
One is that if in fact "it is only a piece of paper," what exactly is he so afraid of? Why does he fear a mere piece of paper? Either he is lying to himself and to his woman or lying only to her because he knows this piece of paper is far more than "only a piece of paper."
The other response is all that is written above. Getting married means I am now your wife, not your live-in; I am now your husband, not your significant other. It means that we get to have a wedding where, before virtually every person alive who means anything to us, we commit ourselves to each other. It means that we have decided to bring all these people we love into our lives. It means we have legal obligations to one another. It means my family becomes yours and yours becomes mine.
Thank God my children, ages 30 and 23, decided to marry. Their partners are now my daughter-in-law and son-in-law. They are therefore now mine to love, not merely two people whom my children love.
When you realize all that is attainable by marrying and unattainable by living together without marrying, you have to wonder why anyone would voluntarily choose not to marry the person he or she wishes to live with forever.
Unless, of course, one of you really isn't planning on forever.
That's why marriage is the most important deed two human beings will ever enter into and for all of the secular reasons just related, every one who has been married has remembered their wedding day as the happiest day of their lives.
Marriage is as important to men and women as it is between people and God, who is a witness to the monumental consequences of the event and the institution itself.
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." -Manuel II Paleologus
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And I must admit that there were many times, especially in the early years of my marriage, where life got hard and throwing in the towel would have probably happened if we had just been living together, but because of all the legal ramifications of a divorce and the shame of having to explain to all our loved ones why our marriage failed, we stuck it out...and twenty years later we are still together:)
I have a friend who has to clear up the title to the house he bought with his ex-girlfriend. The title says they are man and wife, but neither want to get a divorce from a common law marriage. He's lucky, his ex-girlfriend doesn't want to pursue a divorce, because Texas is a community property state, and he has stock and stock options that can be exercised in the not too distant future. Under a community propterty theory, she would be entitled to 50% of his stock holdings.
This was excellent.
He forgot to mention [and subtract from his number of five] the divorce proceedings. Given the amount of bad blood these create, they surely rate at least as one and a half [maybe even more] arguments in the opposite direction.
Don't forget the so-called "Family Courts." Talk about a knife in the gut!
My husband and I moved across the country 2 months after our wedding.
While planning the wedding, we hoped, of course, that lots of family would come because we knew we would be moving. But neither of us really thought about what it would be like to not be with family regularly and not see some of them for years (some we have not seen since the wedding 15 years ago!).
Darn near every family member invited attended our wedding! Only years later did I grasp how very precious our wedding day was.
I would love to get the whole family together again! But we're fairly far flung and money is tight for many of us.
1. Do you realize you are giving your body, your mind, your soul and your reputation up for free?
2. I always ask, if your relationship is so amazing why do you think he is not willing to stand before the world and God and commit to you if you are so special?
3. What do you think is going to change his mind down the road? Especially after he sees you day in and day out and believe me. Under those conditions even the most amazing people wear thin and so does the romance with them.
4. Since you have not made a marriage commitment, what are you going to do if you come home and find him in bed with another woman? After all, girl. You aren't his wife.
5. What is going to stop him from bringing that girl home other than just a little guilt. After all he's not MARRIED. At least that is what he's going to tell himself and you know what he'll be right.
6. Are you not valuable enough to be given a life long commitment for the love and joy you have to bring another person? Because by doing this, this is what you are not only telling me, but also the guy you are moving in with.
Needless to say. I don't have anymore friends that move in with people. Just as a side note. Well over 15 years ago, I gave up three years of my life to a man that I lived with. What a waste of my time. Except for one thing I learned and that is all the above. Thank God I learned my lesson. I never lived with my husband until we were married before man and God.
Common law relationships are every bit as messy as divorce courts. They are virtually indestiguisable.
Most if not all states now have laws which state the length of time you and your girlfriend shaking up together becomes a legal, commonlaw marriage. If you break up after this point, your property is divided up in exactly the same way, and liability for alimony is the same as if you were married.
I always used what my grandmother said which is still true. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.
Good for you. But you WILL have another chance to bring your familly together. Your 25th anniversary; and after that, your 50th if you are blessed.
My wife and I celebrated our 25th 2 years ago, and did just that. One thing you can look forward to, is that the crowd will be much, much larger. It is one of those rare moments when you can gather most of your familly together and see just how much it has grown with the addition of several more generations.
Prior to No-Fault divorce, Prager may have been right in this article - but not now. (For example, see his third argument - marriage is for keeps) For the Devil's advocate point of view after No-Fault became the rule in the U.S., check out http://dontgetmarried.com. In a nutshell, no-fault divorce means that marriage contracts can be broken by one party for good reason, bad reason or for no reason whatever. This means that the party who was not at fault (did not commit adultery, do drugs, beat the spouse etc. . .) is divorced and loses half or his/her property and may be liable for alimony.
The Reader's Digest had an article about a case in Colorado where a man (who did not work) attempted to kill his wife (who had a job) to get the life insurance money. She survived and he was later sentenced to prison for attempted murder. She sued for a no-fault divorce and the court gave half of her property to the ex-husband convict plus alimony. It is irrelevant that he was at-fault for the divorce and Colorado in a no-fault state. All that mattered under No-Fault was that she had a job and income and he did not therefore she owed him alimony.
Prager's article sounds great but doesn't deal with the current insane marriage/divorce laws in the U.S. The old marriage laws(pre 1950's) generally were much better.
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." -Manuel II Paleologus
One of the best parts of a wedding is everyone together.
Almost everyone makes a wedding. Christmases etc usually at least some people are absent.
Seeing cousins, aunts, uncles etc.
My cousin the youngest of the 5 older grandkids of my paternal grandparents was married in July the last of the 5 to marry.
When we were growing up we spent a lot of weekends together. We were more like siblings than cousins. We were all a part of the wedding (I gave a reading and my daughter was flower girl).
The night before we were up late reminiscing til 3 am. And I brought a photo album I had put together.
Good stuff. How many times has Dennis been married?
Actually, I show up at my friends' weddings for the open bar....
(Hic!)
It figures that you would lionize the twerpy, wanna-be rabbi pontifications of a Prager.
Regret to inform you both that the position of God has been filled.
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