Posted on 05/27/2007 10:35:04 AM PDT by oldtimer2
June 11, 2007
ROB LONG
¡Hola! Hello! Welcome to the new Immigration and Naturalization Telephone Customer-Care Center! Open seven days a week, 24 hours a day — just like the border itself! Welcome! We’re pleased to be able to help you.
Para español, oprima el numero dos.
For English, please press one.
For all other languages, please visit us online at www.homelandsecurity.gov/ slowtrack.
Please note that the Office of Border Control, in consultation with the Department of Homeland Security, has instituted new border procedures for all persons crossing the U.S.–Mexico border. Please note that visas, passports, and any form of identification are no longer required for transit. However, any liquids or gels must be in containers of three ounces or less, or will be confiscated by the Border Welcome Services.
If you have questions about the McCain-Kennedy-Pelosi-Bush Immigration Act of 2008, please press one, or visit us on the web at www.homelandsecurity.gov/relaxand makeyourselfcomfortable/frequentlyaskedquestions. There you’ll find the latest information about all of our Welcome! Bienvenidos! Programs™ and hear about the latest deals, offers, and special discounts available exclusively to the Undocumented community.
If you have questions about your immigration status, press two.
If you have questions about the Amnesty Plus™ package and your Gold Medallion points, press three.
If you have questions about your back taxes, guest-worker certificate, or any other issues not related to the Amnesty Plus™ package, or to sign up for the Amnesty Plus™, Amnesty Platinum™, or Amnesty Star Alliance™ program, please press four.
Thank you!
If you have questions about your guest-worker status, press one.
Thank you! To help us respond to your question, please enter your nine-digit Amnesty Plus™ number, followed by the pound sign.
Thank you!
You guest-worker status is granted. Please continue to work as our guest. You have . . .
THREE
. . . years left on your guest-worker Amnesty Plus™ package. To purchase more tie, or to hear about another account, please press one. To inquire about back taxes, fees, and fines, please press two.
Thank you! Please wait while we access your records.
Thank you for inquiring about your back taxes, fees, or fines. Our records indicate that you are eligible for our Fee ’n’ Fine™ program, a provision of the McCain-Kennedy-Pelosi-Bush Act, which permanently waives all fees and fines associated with undocumented entrance into the United States. The Fee ’n’ Fine™ program is available ONLY for undocumented immigrants who have resided in the United States illegally since 1986. All documented and legal immigrants MUST pay all fees and fines. All undocumented and/or formerly illegal immigrants are eligible to participate in the Fee ’n’ Fine™ program. To sign up for the Fee ’n’ Fine™ program, you must provide two (2) pieces of documentation (either a note from a cash-only employer or an arrest record) certifying that you have resided in the United States illegally. If you are a Resident Alien, Student Visa holder, or Documented Alien you ARE NOT eligible for the Fee ’n’ Fine™ program, and are responsible for all fees and fines.
Your back taxes have been calculated at . . .
Six. Teen. Thousand. And. Eight. Hundred. Dollars.
To receive a permanent exemption from all back taxes, press one. To continue to owe back taxes, press two.
Thank you! You have chosen to . . .
Be. Exempt.
. . . from all back taxes. Congratulations! Your exempt status has been registered. Please continue to work as before, secure in the knowledge that you are exempt from back taxes and all fees and fines. Please note that Immigration and Customs Enforcement, in consultation with the Department of Homeland Security, strongly advises AGAINST discussing your exempt status, the Fee ’n’ Fine™ program, Amnesty Plus™, or Amnesty Gold Medallion™ features and amenities with any United States citizen (normal grade) or documented alien. These programs are designed especially for the undocumented-alien community, and the features and amenities are NOT transferable.
To sign up another friend, family member, or recent undocumented arrival, please press one. To pre-register a friend, family member, or anticipated undocumented arrival using the automated Pre-Arrival Amnesty FastPass™, please press two. To end this call, please press three.
Thank you!
Thank you for using the new Immigration and Naturalization Telephone Customer-Care Center, brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security! We want to welcome you to this country and hope to be able to serve you again soon!
Customer Care is important to us. Please stay on the line and participate in a Customer-Satisfaction Survey. Your participation will help us serve others in the Amnesty Plus™ and Amnesty Gold Medallion™ program.
Fantastic! Is there an audio version?
This Laugh Out Loud hilarious!!!!! Thanks for posting:)
Five mintes later though, I’m close to howls of rage..
Has there EVER been a greater attempt to hoodwink Americans into thinking we’re doing something good?
Federal Reserve... Social Security... Nothing THIS bad though.
I’m waiting for illegals to file and find out that WE owe THEM back taxes. Only a matter of time.
Makes me laugh and cry. We have friends from England who have been struggling for years to get Green Cards the legal way. We’ve said many times that with illegal entry they would like have been in free and clear long ago . . .
Exactly.
The article says these perks are “non-transferable”.
But, why can’t I declare myself an illegal alien? If I throw away my ID, pay rent in a flop house and get some wino to vouch for me, voila I’m an instant illegal alien with forgiven taxes, a car insurance waiver, an opt out of workers comp, etc. And since they are just going to give me citizenship again eventually, what is the big deal?
The author had to write this in English, so that we’d all understand it. But of course a real version would be in Spanish only!
And my favorite part was the “arrest record”, to be accepted as documentation that the alien has resided here!
Well, I’m not going to panic until I start running into “press TWO for English.”
Well, I’m waiting...would someone point out to me just what is sarcasm about this piece? Looks pretty close to the truth to me.
I was thinking the same thing ... it’s too close to the reality Kennedy, et al have planned to be funny!
Note the date of the article: June 11, 2007. Is that a prediction?
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