Hillary, Gore, Hamas (Satire News)

Scooter's Report ^ | 6-18-07 | Scooter Van Neuter

[Digital Disaster]

Good morning reader peeps.

The news is unusually boring this morning, thanks to Paris Hilton still being out of circulation. Here's some stuff to get you by:

• The latest USA TODAY/Gallup Poll shows New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has regained a double-digit lead over Illinois Senator Barack Obama. Poll respondents favored Clinton 31% to Obama's 21% when asked "Which conniving, shrill, old white woman do you favor for President." 

• During a recent interview, world renowned climatologist, Al Gore, recently expressed his frustration at the world's occasional interest in people/events other than himself, saying, "I'm trying to save the world, and people are reading about Paris Hilton? Without me, you'll all die, without her, you'll merely lose your fashion sense. Which is more important?" Good point.

• In Gaza, Hamas militants continue to undermine the established government. Reports of unwashed marauding gangs, screaming socialist political slogans while looting government offices, gave rise to fears that America's top Democrats had relocated. A search of the top stories on CNN quickly disproved those fears, but not before the U.S. stock market rose over 1000 points.

Scooter peace out.

[Digital Disaster]

Scooter dishes the news!