Posted on 07/01/2007 10:12:22 AM PDT by wagglebee
God, in His providence, has seen fit to bestow upon my wife and me two beautiful girls that we must steward into greatness. It has been a blast watching my daughters develop into righteous and rowdy, gorgeous girls. The thing that sucks with their metamorphosis into womanhood is the guys who’ve begun to buzz around our happy nest interested in my ladies.
As much as I don’t like the idea of their dating, I have got to suck it up and accept it (bartender, I’ll have a shot of whiskey). All you dads who are worth your salt and give a crap about your kid . . . you know how hard it is to let your girls go (I’ll take another shot, please).
Even though I’m slowly coming to grips with my kids growing up, I’m not throwing out my brain and becoming a hip and groovy dad who curls up in the corner in the fetal position without an opinion regarding their dating life.
Not only do I have an opinion regarding wannabe suitors, I have 10 commandments for potential boyfriends. Yes, seeing that I’m still the Alpha dog of the Giles castle, that I still pay the bills, buy the SUVs, pay for College and secure their condos, then by God, I’m still makin’ the rules. I am Doug Almighty, got that Rico Suave? What I’m about to reveal unto you is an attitude-laden afflatus, so . . . be afraid. Herewith are my 10 commandments for my daughter’s potential boyfriends. Read them and weep.
1. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy. Young squire, don’t expect me to be giggly when I meet you. As a matter of fact, you’re ruining my life right now. Therefore, don’t try to be cute with me. That stuff may work on my daughter or my wife, but it does not work with me.
Actually, you should expect nothing from me in the way of the warm and fuzzies. You’ve got to earn that. I don’t care who you are or who your momma is. Your presence represents a transition that I’m not really ready for, so just stay the heck back and be real cool. And know this: I’ve got a PI doing a background check on you right now.
2. Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky. Let me spell it out for you just in case you don’t get it. You must have something positive going on in that thing you call a life.
Additionally, you must be pursuing said noble goal at Mach2 with your hair on fire. If you’re a slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts who’s waiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong, then you need to find a girl who doesn’t have a father like me.
3. Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub. Not only am I not cool with your being around me, I’m sure as heck not down with your touching my daughter. Therefore, when you’re in my space (and in my absence) you’d better treat my daughters with the utmost respect.
Do not under any circumstance hang all over my daughter, fondle my daughter or soul kiss my kid until you have a wedding ring on her finger, a joint checking account and MMA at Wachovia—or I will shove your Justin Timberlake backside off my 3rd floor balcony first chance I get, capisce?
4. Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone. I don’t care how Snoop Dog acts and what you’ve seen on MTV or in the movies. If you come into my house mumbling, with your shades on and texting the entire time you’re around me, you’re probably going to be spending the next couple of days in ICU.
I want eye contact. I want you to see my soul, son. I want to look you in the eye when I communicate things regarding my girls and their lives. So, take the shades off, Hollywood. In addition, if and when I extend my hand, grab it like you mean it. Where I come from, a limp hand shake = limp life, Twinkle Toes. Also, when you’re at my casa, your phone goes on vibrate. I’m sure you’ll like that.
5. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Here’s some 411 to meditate upon before you address me. I am at least twice your age. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me. I’ve been in many fights. I’ve shot at felons. I faced down too-many-to-count charging wild boar. I’ve spent years in Tae Kwon Do. I’ve traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses. You, on the other hand, use Proactiv and drive a Ford Focus; therefore, you will call me “Mr. Giles” and my wife “Mrs. Giles” until we tell you any different.
Also, don’t gush around me nor attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I’m not Oprah or one of your metrosexual buddies that you can share all of your inner fears and deepest needs with. I am a Neanderthal.
6. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig?
7. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart. One great way to earn my favor is to buy it. Yes, you’d be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh.
For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles. I also like original art work, R&B and classic rock compilations, collecting skulls, hunting and big game fishing trips, antique Christian and Classic books, custom choppers and early twentieth century African safari memorabilia.
Who knows . . . I might, might, ask you to join me for a nice cigar session with me and the boys if thou comest bearing such offerings.
8. Thou shall understand that if you’re dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I’m comfortable enough with kicking your butt. I’m not one of your thug buddies you can go down the gutter with. I want maturity when you are around my family.
9. Thou shall keep your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then I expect you to do it. You see, I’m looking for stability/reliability for my ladies, and keeping your word in the smallest matters tells me that you’re ahead of the pack and at least a consideration, in my mind, for our support.
10. Thou shall do these three things: 1) Look good. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. 2) Read. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. 3) Serve. I’m looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies. Now, go get me a beer.
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I find the coarseness rather off-putting, but sometimes he’s funny.
“I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me”
That explains a lot. What a jerk.
Boy, Doug, are you in for a shock. It just doesn’t work that way.
Your daughter is going to break your heart no matter what silly rules you invent. A good man will simply learn to deal with it, however painful.
I wonder if his daughters talk like that.
Yeah, he is a little too direct at times.
Honestly, the lesson I would have taken from this is to cut him out of the loop as much as possible and to encourage his daughter to do the same. Of course she probably already feels like that.
Note to Self: forward to my granddaughter’s dad - my son.
Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub.
I know it's to get attention to his message, and it must work for some audience, but it doesn't for me.
(My daughter has five younger brothers. We don't need rules about boyfriends.)
If they do, that will drive away plenty of decent young men.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
Good luck to the daughters.
Doug, that ship sailed long ago.
I like that one.
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Wonderful! I’m giving it to my sons. One man in church said to buy a big mean dog to protect his daughter from all the men because she’s so beautiful. This oughtta do it.
Why do you say that? He’s been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb. That’s good enough for me, in spite of his coarseness, which I’ll just let God handle.
4. Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone.
I just had a talk with all 6 of my grandchildren about that very thing - the girls and the boys. It makes such a difference, especially as a first impression of someone, even a young someone.
>>Wonderful! I’m giving it to my sons. One man in church said to buy a big mean dog to protect his daughter from all the men because she’s so beautiful. This oughtta do it.<<
If the dog hangs around with the girl all day he is likely gonna take the girl’s lead on who to trust.
He really is projecting. These are his own sins he’s revealing to us, not things that are any true threat to his daughter.
Plus he apparently doesn’t trust his daughter to pick a decent boyfriend.
All this chest-thumping just shows what a small man he is, emotionally.
it takes a tough man to make tender women who also have claws. they sound like beautiful girls worth chasing by young men who had better have their act together. (i chased a beautiful young girl and won her in the face of a craggy-old-guy father who didn’t believe a word i said; made me jump through flaming hoops, and then some. (but i always knew what he was up to, just as i knew that the drill sergeant wanted the best from us.)
Why would you turn away a candidate for your daughter who was in the military? i.e. tatoos. So a Marine with the Eagle, Globe and Anchor is out of luck?
I don’t know, my husband is a rational well educated man, who recently started digging a moat around our house (my daughter just turned 13)
Although I don’t appreciate being crude, I admire a man who will go to great lengths to protect his daughters. If there were more of that in the world today, there would be a lot fewer problems with STd, teen pregnancy, broken families, etc.
And know, I don’t trust my teenage daughter to pick a boyfriend (I was a teenager once too). Otherwise smart, rational women loose all their marbles when picking men, and I don’t expect or want my teenage daughter to have the degree of sophistication it takes to know if a boyfriend is the right one or not. That takes time and wisdom. Wisdom to be gained under the WATCHFUL and loving eye of her father.
Amen to that. He needs some help editing as he plainly does not see just how crude and vulgar he is.
"Good evening, _ _ _ _ _. I'm Mr. labette. I'm psychotic. I collect machine guns and I love my daughter very much."
1. Where do you work? If the answer is no...why not?
2. What branch of the service are you going into? Why not? You know there are young mothers your age deploying into hazardous fire areas?
I'm sure as a group we could come up with some others.
How about one for girls?.....
If you’re calling my son....it better be because you have a math homework question, and not for a date.... OR
If you show up at my house with cleavage, I’ll assume you’re the local prostitute and call the appropriate authorities..... OR
If you’re pants are so low that I can see your hip bones, I’ll assume your Mommy never taught you how to dress, and return you for another lesson, pronto....
1. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy -— Lil Missy’s young squire earned his warm fuzzies from me long before she bothered to give him the time of day. BTW, I’ll do my own PI investigations.
2. Thou had better have a life -— Spanky is too young for his own life but he is working hard toward that day.
3. Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub -— Young Stud is very respectful of Young Missy and didn’t come near her at church camp. Young Stud knows he has more to fear from me than LE Daddy who taught her to shoot and take-down moves.
4. Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man -— Young Stud does.
5. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Here’s some 411 to meditate upon before you address me -— Between me and Mr. M, we’ve about covered those. Young Stud has earned the privilege to call us by our first names, but he knows his place and continues to give us the proper and respectful title of Mr. and Mrs.
6. Thou shall know that our family is old school -— This boy was raised Christian Right!
7. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart -— No, as long as you continue to make Lil’ Missy happy, then this mom will be happy with you. You make her cry and you too will be crying.
8. I want maturity when you are around my family -— Again, Young Stud was raised right.
9. Thou shall keep your word -— So far, so good and has my support.
10. Thou shall do these three things: 1) Look good. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. 2) Read. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. 3) Serve -— Check, check, and check! Dang, Lil Missy sure got herself a good one! Now, to go do my daily devotional for them to stay together for a very long time because I’m afraid of what she might bring home next.
This is an old piece.
I've seen plenty of young women who could have used a father with some stones five or six years ago. The focus of this man ought to be that basically, until your through with your education and have established yourself, boyfriends are not important. You can have them, but they should not be the focus of your life.
You may dislike his words (which were written to be humorous and surely are not spoken aloud to any of his daughters’ suitors) but many a girl would benefit from having a protective father like this. Many teenage girls wind up used and abused when they have no father to protect his womenfolk; predatory young men see that a girl is unprotected and take advantage. My own sister’s daughter would have been much better off if she had had a protective father around.
LOL!
Giles demands “maturity” of young men, but he sounds a lot like the punks he’s so worried about.
It's quite the reverse. Young men need protection from today's predatory girls.
Girls raised by parents like this guy are pretty slutty when Mom and Dad aren’t around because nothing turns her on more than knowing that simply having the guy touch her drives her Daddy nuts.
I think he makes some good points.
My son-in-law recently told me that they were at a party and the daughter of one of his friends told her dad she was going out with the young man that had been in the room for a time. Her dad sent the boy packing and explained to her that since the young man had arrived not once did he smile or offer to shake hands with any of the men there.
On the other hand, at a get-together my nephew, who we hadn't seen in quite a while, walked up to us "old folks" and with a smile, looked us in the eye and shook our hands (I got a hug). All the men were smiling back. He made an impression. That was the event that brought about my instructing my grandchildren.
I hope they will remember it was me that told them this as you remember it was your Dad.
I like it.
It’s no coincidence that the man who treated my parents with respect and deference the most was the man I married and have 3 kids with.
My Dad would have accepted anyone as my husband as long as he was good to me and was respectful to our family. I could have brought home a [erson of a different race, religion, a democrat, a liberal, but as long as he was good to me that’s what mattered most. Okay maybe if he was a Packers or Cardinals fan there would have been problems.
It of course also helps that my husband is related to the Butkus family.
And I bet you and your wife have a good relationship with her dad.
I looked at how my boyfriends treated my family and considered it when deciding to go further.
There are tattoos and there are tattoos.
“Amen to that. He needs some help editing as he plainly does not see just how crude and vulgar he is.”
I wouldn’t want my daughter paying homage to a hypocrite!
Do as I say, not as I do - no thanks. He’d be turned away !
True. lol. I am just glad I have three sons. After this thread, I am seriously thank full.
Giles makes good commentary, but am I alone here in thinking that his writing style is very condescending? I finish reading a Giles piece and find myself saying “God, what a jackass”.
Well, I just cut and paste that post (It’s all over the internet) and it is intended to be humor...
None-the-less, as the father of a 10 year old girl I will answer your question this way: When my daughter is studying at Annapolis, I expect her to bring home an engineer!
I tihnk he's simply putting things into the language and nuances this fictitious young man and all of his friends would understand...
Their lingo... not ours...
Justa thought...
I am a Dad with daughters... and I think Ol' Doug is spot on...
JMHO
Judging by his own comments about his background, Giles (or his fictional persona) seems to have been one of the young men he’s griping about. People with that kind of background never completely outgrow it. In any case, Giles is clearly bad news. If he were single, and I had a middle-aged single or divorced daughter, I wouldn’t want her going out with him!
Another thing that’s wrong with the column is that he demands enormous amounts of respect from kids whom he’s speaking to as if they’re worms. It’s inconsistent — demanding respect without giving it. Also, Giles is talking about very important things and less important things as if they’re all equally important. You don’t get any results that way.
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