Skip to comments.Attachment & Adult Relationships [Parent Activism Toward Preventing Shootings etc.]
Posted on 12/10/2007 5:55:08 PM PST by Quix
QX NOTE: the following is aGENERALIZED DISCUSSIONin the interest of preventing such horrors as the recent Colorado shootings. I do not know important details nor do I wish to add to the parents grief. HOWEVER, this is a VERY TEACHABLE moment for many who may read such an article as this. And I dare not ignore such a fitting opportunity. Therefore, read my comments and the articles referred to as PRESCRIPTIVE, PREVENTATIVE, not punishing or haughtily castigating. Life is complex. Parenting is even more complex. Nevertheless, the research on ATTACHMENT and REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER is remarkably clear with confirming brain scan data as well as a host of other solid data. Any parent or society which ignores such data is worse than willfully ignorant. I would consider parents currently rearing toddlers, if they are aware and ignore such overwhelming datato be criminal. [sorry for html errors below--a bit rushed--see full doc at the link]
This is the PRIMARY reason for the explosion in the gay population. Gay people are the product, primarily, of narcissistic, weak, inadequate, absent, abusive, ignorant heterosexual people—their parents.
Gay propaganda, contraception (the culture of straight sodomy), and seduction all play a role, but the PRIMARY reason is the disintegration of the family, which has been created primarily by the State, using 1) school, which infantilizes parents on a massive scale, usurping their natural, normal functions, 2) welfare, which makes males unnecessary, 3) exorbitant taxation, which pressures mothers to forego mothering for “work.”
Our “representative” government (local, state, federal) is destroying the people. Not just costing them money, not just inconveniencing and burdening them, but literally destroying them as functioning human beings.
Be VERY careful abolut believing anything you read or hear about “reactive attachment disorder”. It is a pet “diagnosis” of self-described therapists who prescribe and/or perform horrific “therapies” that have led to the deaths of several children and profound psychological harm to many many more. This is the “diagnosis” that led to the deaths of at least 2 children via “forced water drinking therapy” and of the little girl in Colorado who was killed by being suffocated in a blanket by her mother and a “therapist” as part of a “rebirthing therapy” in which the child was supposed to do the birth experience over again by struggling to get out of the blanket while the adults screamed at her, held her down, and prevented her from getting out of the blanket. One of the favorite “symptoms” they note is a child’s failure to instantly and enthusiastically comply with any and all orders from their parents. Until the child does that consistently, s/he is said to require more “therapy”.
I thoroughly agree with you.
All kinds of abusive craziness
on The Bible . . .
how could mere research by man fare any better.
The issues are still solidly research based and factual.
I’ve seen it in my own life and the lives of countless counseling clients and thousands of others in my social network over my 60+ years.
Doing screwy things with solid facts does not negate the facts.
I appreciate your warning. I didn’t know the treatment led to the death of two children.
I had wondered why the “Attachments” book was not longer available except a used copy on Amazon for several hundred dollars.
Treatments aside, I think there’s truth in the theory that gaps in early childhood attachments do have an ongoing impact throughout life, not just with the crazed killers but also with everyday normal people who have to work very hard to relate to others and to have “real” relationships.
bump to read later
Yes, mainstream psychology/psychiatry certainly recognizes that early childhood attachment is an essential component of normal human development. It’s the “reactive attachment disorder” label (sometimes just “attachment disorder”) and “attachment therapy” that raises a red flag. It’s a diagnosis that does exist in the official book of psychiatric disorders (DSM-IV), but legitimate professionals in the field say that its severe forms are rare, and they certainly don’t prescribe bizarre “treatments” that amount to torture. The scammers and cultists who peddle these expensive “treatment” programs invariably point to the DSM-IV listing as evidence that this is a legitimate psychiatric disorder, but invariably fail to mention that it is rare, cannot be diagnosed by the casual “my kid’s driving me crazy” criteria that the peddlers promote, and certainly cannot be successfully treated by the bizarre methods they advocate.
According to one source, 8 children are known to have died from this sort of “therapy”, and with that number of deaths you have to think that a huge number of others have suffered irreparable psychological harm. The Quackwatch page on this topic is well worth reading:
This page has a long list of quotes from one of the leading proponents/developers of this “therapy”. You can’t help but conclude that this woman belongs in a secure mental hospital. She advocates that the “therapy” be used on all children from birth onwards: “It is a good idea to begin holding in the first years of life. But how do you hold a baby who cant talk to you? Is it good to make the baby angry?
You will not be making your baby angry. You will be allowing your baby to express anger in order to become better attached. . . . You might wonder how to hold a baby who cant talk.
If he arches his back, averts his gaze, or squirms to be put down, tighten your grasp. He will fight you. You must resolve not to let go until he relaxes happily in your arms. He will most likely become very frustrated. He may cry and scream. Most babies turn pink or purple from intense crying.
Some babies fall asleep
If he awakens still fighting, then you must hold on until he feels better.”
This page features a picture of another facet of this bizarre “therapy”, bottle-feeding of children through adolescent age, and a terrifying video clip of a “rage reduction therapy” session (be sure to turn up the volume so you can fully appreciate the terrified child’s screams as he is tortured by 3 adults).
This link includes info on another victim, Krystal Tibbets, as well as one of the forced water drinking victims, Cassandra Kilpack.
This link has more details about the Cassandra Kilpack case. Unlike Krystal’s remorseful father, Mr. Kilpack maintains he and his wife did nothing wrong.
I QUITE AGREE
about CRAZY “THERAPIES.”
But PLEASE avoid allowing the crazy responses and “treatments”
to obscure the larger importance of PREVENTING such dynamics.
ATTACHMENTS by Drs Tim Clinton & Gary Sibcy has 10 or so points in the latter half of the book for adults to work through such a history. Sadly, the book is not a cheap book. Check the library where you live.
Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do by Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy
What is your opinion on “Attachment Parenting”?
Tell me what YOU mean by it and I’ll tell you my opinion.
Ok - haven’t read any of the materials or books, just have heard *about* it and what various people do: breastfeeding until self-weaned, co-sleeping, “baby-wearing”, every cry gets a response (ie, no “let him cry it out”)...
just have heard *about* it and what various people do: breastfeeding until self-weaned, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, every cry gets a response (ie, no let him cry it out)...
= = =
Within some ‘extreme’ limits and balance,
I STRONGLY SUPPORT SUCH THINGS.
I used to disagree. I was reared by a mother who believed that if a kid had been fed, diapered and held for 10 minutes—then they should be left to wail for hours.
Mother could not breast feed, BTW.
My adopted sister (1 week old when I was 10) had a very shrill voice. She would be left alone in her crib wailing shrill-ly for very long periods of time. Sometimes mother would even whack her diaper to try and get her to stop.
I now consider that abusive neglect to allow such wailing.
The research is VERY CLEAR. Carrying the child around next to you produces children MUCH MORE confident; much more willing and able to explore their environments; try new things; relate confidently to people more boldly etc. They feel safer in the world. They act more assertively in the world. They do not cringe in fear and insecurity.
I’m certainly strongly in favor of breast feeding. The medical and psychological benefits of that are clear. The data is VERY CLEAR.
On the other hand, I knew a mother with a son who was 6 or 7 years old and who in the middle of a mall or dept store would virtually yell:
“MOM, I’M HUNGRY, GIVE ME A BREAST! NOW!”
That kid NEEDED a good whack or two. And weaned some time before that. But not necessarily weaned from being held warmly—his mom was divorced and dad was not around.
I think ALMOST every cry needs a warm, affectionate response. As kids get older, they will naturally handle more frustrations and challenges because they have been made to feel safe and protected and supported.
Certainly kids need some frustration tolerance training as they get older.
Co-sleeping . . . certainly as infants if there’s no danger of rolling over and smothering the kid . . . could be healthy. As kids get older—gets problematic fast especially if the parents are not super healthy.
On the other hand, many cultures have essentially the whole family in one bed for an extended time . . . in MANY cases but certainly far from all . . . successfully and healthily. In think in our culture . . . it’s a problematic issue that needs very careful application. But mostly, in terms of infants, I support it. Some toddlers depending. After that, it’s probably too risky in most cases to support across the board.
Mothers with 10 year old sons; fathers with 10 year old daughters is nonsense, imho—especially on a routine basis.
I know that early childhood attachment is essential to mental health and that lack thereof causes serious problems. But I also think that, given the awful pattern of abusive therapies and plain old money-making scam therapies that have built up around amateur diagnoses of attachment disorder, we should be careful about engaging in or promoting such diagnoses. There is no reason to think that either of the recent headline-grabbing shooters lacked an early childhood environment that would have promoted normal attachment. A lot of other things can cause violent behavior, including inborn genetic traits (which could, among other things, render a child unable to form normal attachments regardless of environment) and later life experiences and substance abuse.
There is no reason to think that either of the recent headline-grabbing shooters lacked an early childhood environment that would have promoted normal attachment.
= = =
Sorry. That’s simply not true.
All the more so given his blogging docs.
Also, in my 50+ years of intense observations,
I HAVE NEVER KNOWN;
NEVER HEARD OF
any offspring doing anything close to such things . . .
WITHOUT dreadfully poor attachment.
I have had many Christians say to me . . .
ahhhhh . . . but parents can be perfect parents and the child can still turn out screwy.
I have had many bring such cases which supposedly fit that description.
IN 100% OF SUCH CASES, I WAS ABLE AFTER JUST 3-5 QUESTIONS TO DETERMINE THAT HEALTHY ATTACHMENT DID *NOT* occur.
IF 10% of what the shooter in this case said about his mother was true—even healthy motherly attachment did not occur.
If 10% of the implications of the father’s evident absence from emotional bonded connectedness to this son is true, the father did not contribute significant healthy attachment.
If 10% of the indications about super strict Christian discipline efforts are true, this son did not experience healthy attachment.
“no reason to think . . . lacked an early childhood environment that would have promoted normal attachment.”
is simply wholesale untrue.
There are ABUNDANT reasons to believe that. More than a few.
Far more than none.
Me, too. My life's journey has led me to re-examine certain things I used to take as gospel truth. The material you've posted and linked is good food for thought.
“inborn genetic traits . . . rendering a child unable to form normal attachments . . .”
I can allow such is theoretically possible.
And, I have known of children super difficult to bond with.
Autism is a challenge to many parents beyond comprehension to parents without such challenges.
Nevertheless, Great numbers of parents with such children with such challenges DO BOND SUFFICIENTLY TO AFFORD SERIOUSLY WONDERFUL HEALTHY ATTACHMENT.
IT IS POSSIBLE EVEN WITH SUCH DEFICITS.
Sometimes there’s a lack of persistent will to sufficiently go the 2nd mile.
Sometimes there’s a lack of skill and understanding to pull it off and too insufficient a persistence to learn such skills.
Failing to learn the necessary skills does not EQUAL IMPOSSIBLE.
Thanks much for your kind words based in experience and reality.
God’s best to you and yours this CHRISTmas.
I neglected to include . . .
in my adopted sister’s case . . . 10 years younger . . . folks had more disposable income . . . bought her all kinds of goodies; horse etc.
She was on and off drugs and in and out of jail and prison from age 12. Finally committed suicide by OverDosing illegal drugs at age 40 something.
I don’t think either one of my parents really knew how to bond with anyone but each other. And, their pride, frustrations and anger tended to get in the way of many other relationships.
My sister was super sensitive and brilliant in spite of what the folks thought. She had them wrapped around her finger the first month or 3 of her life. They never overcame that problem or any of the rest of such.
Adequate bonding and follow through would have prevented a 40+ years of pain on the part of all 3 of them.
23 hours later, I’d like to thank you for your comments. Makes sense to me!