Thankfully, Dr. Feel (a wholly owned subsiduary of Dr. Phil) is here to help you work through your problems.
Please answer the questionaire below, so I know how best to treat you. And please have your insurance card ready for the wallet biopsy. This is a Capitalist country and I don't work for free.
I discriminate against smokers because:
A. The smell of smoke is icky and yucky, it makes my hair and clothes stink and I hate walking into a bar/restaurant where people are smoking. So rather than take advantage of the free market and go somewhere that is voluntarily smoke free, I would rather use the power of the state to impose my personal preference on my fellow citizens.
A1. My __________ (choose one: Dad, Mom, Uncle, Aunt, Grandfather, Grandmother, older sister, brother, babysitter, next door neighbor, mailman) abused me by smoking ________(choose one: Marlboro, Merit, Kool, crack, Camel, Kent, marijuana) in the __________ (choose one: house, car, bar, juvenile detention center) when I was a kid.
B. My beloved ___________ (choose one: husband, wife, father, mother, brother, sister, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, maid, dog, cat, goldfish, gay lover) died from _________(choose one: cancer, heart disease, emphysema, car crash, train wreck, terrorist attack, sting ray) because of their smoking.
C. I smoked for _____ (years) and now I am ________ (choose one: missing it, sick, dead, born again, enlightened, ashamed of myself, if I can't do it, nobody can) and want to share my experience with others.
D. The Big Tobacco companies are lying scumbags and must pay! (you're not coming down off the mountain with the tablets there)
E. I represent Big Pharmaceutical interests that benefit from the anti-smoking movement because it increases the sales of our Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) products.
F. I am a deeply caring individual in the mold of Mother Theresa and I am speaking out due to my benevolent, philanthropic, altruistic concern about the health of my fellow man.
G. I am a research scientist and grant junky, and if I don't tow the party line my grant money will disappear.
H. I'm just a garden variety Fascist and Totalitarian and get a ______ (choose one: cheap thrill, natural high, erection, orgasm) by imposing my will on other people.
I. I am a retard who believes in bogus studies, junk science, the Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy. I fear that because I walked into a bar on Spring Break in 1987, and was exposed to Second Hand Smoke I now suffer from ______(choose one: AIDS, Herpes, Athletes Foot, Jock Itch, male pattern baldness, or genital warts)
J. I am a disgruntled, prissy and angry employee of a ______(choose one: bar, restaurant, club, casino) who can't leave the job because I am a _______(choose one: slave, indentured servant, sweatshop laborer, illegal immigrant) and had no idea there was smoking going on in the place before I took the job.
K. An elected public serpent, serving as a _____ (choose one: State Assemblywoman, Senator, Freeholder, city councilman, mayor) and I have failed miserably in my job and trying to tackle really tough problems like _____ (choose one: gang violence, income taxes, property taxes, crime, corruption), so I will support a smoking ban based on the talking points and literature that "M" has given me and claim that I have actually accomplished something to help my constituents.
L. A Socialist liberal Democrat who is desperate for Universal Healthcare so the proletariet will continue to keep me in power. But if I don't do something about the "demand side" health care costs caused by such global health menaces as _________ (choose one: Marlboro, Merit, Kool, Big Macs, Whoppers, Chicken McNuggets, Budweiser, Coors, Jack Daniels) my health care entitlement program will go ________ (choose your adjective: broke, belly up, bankrupt, insolvent).
M. A professional anti-tobacco activist who makes $450,000 per year. MY GOAL IS TO REDUCE SMOKING RATES FROM 25% TO BELOW 10%. KICKING THEM OUT OF THEIR FAVORITE BAR AND RESTAURANT IS JUST A SMALL STEP TO COERCE THEM TO QUIT. I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE THE SHS NONSENSE MYSELF! Don't you dare try to ban cigarettes, if you do I will have to go back to my previous job ______(choose one: prostitute, drug dealer, pimp, state assemblyman, mayor) where I won't make nearly as much money and the bank will foreclose on my seaside villa and repo my _______(choose one: Lexus, Mercedes, BMW, Hummer, Infiniti, Acura,Jaguar, Volvo, Bentley). I take advantage of the prejudices of categories A-L above to accomplish my goal.
N. I am a Religious Fundamentalist who believes that smoking is strictly forbidden in the ______(choose one: Qu'ran, Bible, Torah, Old Testament, New Testament, David Wells' autobiography "Perfect I'm Not", Hustler Magazine)
O. I don't fit any of the above categories, I just like to argue with people.