Posted on 01/04/2013 10:29:39 AM PST by Red Steel
ASPEN, Colo. — According to Todd Hartley, to enact new gun legislation in the U.S. would be to “shut the barn doors after the horse has already gotten out.”
So in his weekly “I’m With Stupid” column in the Aspen Times on Friday — a column that Hartley claims is meant to encourage aspiring and current gun owners to “seek less violent ways to make up for your shortcomings” — the Basalt resident is attempting another method of gun control.
He’s defaming the genitalia of gun owners.
“If you own multiple guns or feel the need to possess a military-style assault weapon, it’s because you have a small penis,” Hartley writes.
In his column, subtitled “The longer the weapon, the shorter the tool,” Hartley says that with 310 million nonmilitary firearms in a country that has shown such staunch support for the Second Amendment, even the buy back programs that have seen success in countries like Australia will likely prove fruitless in the U.S.
Instead, Hartley writes, “the only feasible option” to reduce the number of firearms in the U.S. is to “change people’s attitudes toward guns.” One way to do that, in Hartley’s mind, is to question the motivation of gun owners.
As a case study, Hartley gives a synopsis of Hummer’s downfall in 2010.
“To me, those Hummer owners were a lot like gun owners,” Hartley writes. “They had an inflated sense of their own self-importance, and they thought owning a massive tank-like vehicle made them somehow more virile and masculine.”
Hartley asserts that consumers did a 180 when “the rest of us pointed out that owning a Hummer was an obvious sign of a person making up for a physical shortcoming.”
At that point, Hartley continues, “Hummer went out of business virtually overnight.”
That doesn’t mean Hartley is prepared to lump all gun owners into the same boat. He gives a pass to those who own a handgun “to protect your home and your family,” and to those who own a rifle or shot gun “for hunting or target shooting.”
It’s only the possession of a “pseudo-machine gun” that proves “you have a tiny wiener and you’re incredibly self-conscious about it,” in Hartley’s estimation.
Hartley did not excuse females who own such weapons from the same criticism.
“Women who own assault weapons have tiny penises, just like their male counterparts,” Hartley writes. “That would explain why they’re angry enough to buy a weapon whose sole purpose is to kill as many people as possible as quickly as possible.”
The column is sophomoric at times. Aside from the aforementioned passages, Hartley, who is also a stand-up comedian, suggests at one point that a “Swedish-made penis-enlargement pump” could be “more effective than arming yourself to the teeth.”
But there are also moments of wit and earnest, featuring Hartley venting about elected officials who “clearly don’t have the guts” to push for stricter gun control in the U.S.
As he wraps up his column, Hartley pens a plea to anyone who has “had enough of all the shooting and killing in this country.”
“I encourage you to spread the rumor that when gun owners talk about their 9 mms, they’re actually referring to their genitalia and not the caliber of their weapons,” Hartley concludes. “With any luck, we can stigmatize gun ownership and encourage people to give up their firearms willingly.”
Click here to read Hartley’s entire column
I’m guessing Todd never found a penis to be too small.
Liberals have turned the “small penis” curse into a hackneyed sneer one would expect on a schoolyard. I think they began by saying that big truck owners were thusly cursed; then it became Hummvee owners; and now gun owners.
The trouble is they keep increasing the numbers of the groups who supposedly have “small penises”, and their sneer is as laughable as saying that “liberals are poopy-pants.”
Well, come to think of it, liberals *are* petulant, immature, greedy, hateful, bigoted, and spiteful poopy-pants. Who apparently spend their idle hours comparing penis sizes with each other.
When I was robbed at gunpoint I had $20 on me. Beer money. Was caught off guard and there was nothing I could do, I wasn’t injured, and am lucky I was not killed. For twenty bucks.
My experience was not unique, this kind of thing happens every single day. Being of a certain gender, color, political party, religion, etc. doesn’t matter. It happens all the time; and the outcomes can involve ER visits and funeral homes.
I don’t wish any sort of violence on the author. I do hope he will accept the reality that we live in a violent world. Some of us chose to have guns, and be prepared to defend ourselves. If the author choses otherwise, or expects a close quarters swing of a Louisville Slugger to be his option - good luck with it. If his choice is to dial 911 and pray for help to immediately be at his doorstep, I’d repsectfully argue that he’s making one hell of a gamble.
My guess... Much like athiests suddenly begging God for help in their time of dire need; it will probably come down to this clown seeing the light when he is called on to defend himself or his family.
Not only small penises, but racist too.
Michael Moore said that the only reason people have guns is because they’re afraid of black people.
Let’s see... what else can the left try to get us to shamefacedly acquiesce to their desire to oppress us?
small penises... racist... oh! oh! STUPID, too!
Shove it lefties.
there are quite a few of us in armor and artillery that would differ with his statement. he probably wears a big watch.
I guess that thin air up in Colorado does funny things to people’s brain. I’ve never heard of anyone defending themself during a robbery, carjacking, mugging or home invasion with their penis. Buy hey! Whatever blows your skirt up!
Just a weakassed attempt to make gun owning a less desirable option...
perhaps he is right. he doesn’t own a rifle and he is a big d**k.
Why would anyone be afraid of black people? Hmmmmmm.
Even if true (I don’t have the salient statistics at my disposal), most of us are likely to be much further beyond the need for a large penis than we are the need for an adequate weapon.
Ah, the old “to criticize a ‘gay’ means that you are one” gambit. A logical non sequitur to end a conversation before it starts.
Well, two can play at that game:
“Leftist control freaks have two anuses. One they use for speaking.”
LOL! A big watch with several dials and lots of knobs he can fiddle with.
Cuz he likes fiddling with knobs ...
Carlin hit a lot of topics over his career. Part of the hunt for fresh material I guess.
With this guy it's more like the angry inch.
Arguing with a liberal is like playing chess with a pigeon.
No matter how well you play chess,
the pigeon just knocks over the pieces,
craps on the board,
utters unintelligible, vaguely obscene sounds,
and struts around like he won.
“This is my rifle, this is my gun,
This is for fighting, this is for fun.”
Oh, wait, Mr. Nancy Boy prolly never went through Basic Training.
Yep, that’s irrational.
According to crime statistics, you’re just as likely to be attacked by an elderly Asian grandmother as a young black man...
...
...
raaaaaaiiihhtt.
I see what you did there Hedwig...
I am sure she has a tiny wee wee, because she is a woman!
It is this big!
Virtually speaking of course!
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