10 Misconceptions I Had About Parenting Before I Became a Parent (Happy Father's Day)

Taki's Magazine ^ | June 14, 2013 | Gavin McInnes

[NotYourAverageDhimmi]

It’s easy to be arrogant about parenting before you become a parent. Here are some insane beliefs I had about parenting before I tried it.

1. I’LL NEVER WEAR A BABY BACKPACK

I was so sure I would never wear one of those ridiculous baby holders that go on your chest, I bet another dad $100 that those straps would never touch my shoulders. “A baby only weighs 15 pounds,” I’d say to the beta males strapped to the BabyBjorns. “You can’t carry 15 pounds?”

No, you can’t. Not when the 15 pounds has a wobbly head with no neck muscles and you need both arms to keep him from flopping over. Not when this 15 pounds wants you to hold him all day. After trying the Bjorn, I felt like a war vet who magically got his arms back, and I happily paid that guy the $100 I owed him.

2. THEY’RE TAKING PIANO LESSONS AND IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT, TOO BAD

We tried piano lessons. They were really expensive and the kids hated them and sucked at them. The same thing happened with ballet and gymnastics. Trying to force them to do things they don’t like is as implausible as that gay Mormon dude who married a woman because he said his sexual preference is like smoking and you’re able to quit.

“It’s easy to be arrogant about parenting before you become a parent.”

3. I WILL MAKE THEM FINISH EVERY MEAL

You think you can make a kid eat something he doesn’t want to eat? Go feed a cheeseburger to a salamander. He doesn’t even want to crawl on it. It’s too dry. The first time I forced my kid to eat something, she barfed and I haven’t done it since. If making your kids throw up is good parenting, I’m a bad parent.

4. I’M GOING TO BE VERY ATTENTIVE

I was very attentive at first. Time-outs were doled out after every fight and if they didn’t say sorry to each other, they went back in the corner. But after 347 fights you start to think, “You know what? You’re on your own.” Sometimes you might even catch yourself thinking, “Go ahead and beat the shit out of each other for all I care. You might learn something.”

5. WE’RE GOING TO HOME-SCHOOL THEM

Kids in public school spend something like 30 minutes a day actually learning. At private school it’s probably three times that. I have an hour and a half of spare time a day to spend talking about history, so why not pull the kids out of school? Well, for one, they’re already in my house way more often than I can handle. By contrast, sometimes I feel like going to work where I deal with getting sued, licking clients’ asses, and where firing people is some kind of party. What kind of maniac thinks 100% of their waking moments are about the right amount of time to spend with your kids? When I told a home-schooling parent that my kids go to public school, she said, “The only thing they’ll learn there is how to fight.”

Good.

6. WE WON’T LET THEM WATCH TV

Pushing the “on” button on the TV is like pushing the “off” button on your kids. They just sit there like zombies. If you worked in a zoo and the howler monkeys had a magic button that shut them off, how could you resist pushing it? You love the monkeys and you think they’re cute, but when they’re really going bananas and you have to make an important phone call, that button becomes as irresistible as the “Get me a drink” button they have on airplanes.

7. NO LOGOS ON THE TABLE

Eating dinner with the family is a very important ritual that should not be sullied by corny logos on milk cartons and juice containers. So all beverages will be served from jugs and the butter will be unwrapped and placed in a small glass dish. The problem is that getting children to sit at a table and eat anything takes up more than all of your energy, so defining the design aesthetic for what’s actually on the table is about as high on your priority list as what underwear you’re going to wear.

8. I’M STILL GOING TO PARTY

After my first child was born, I continued to have parties at the house. My wife and I would wake up at 6AM the next day wondering what the hell we were thinking and then forget about it six months later and throw another party. One night during a break-dancing competition, a beer smashed on the kitchen floor. I thought I cleaned up all the shards, but my crawling infant daughter found one with her hand the next day. Since then, the only parties we have here involve piñatas and cake and “Happy Birthday” sung by very short people who don’t know the words.

9. I’M STILL GOING TO SMOKE POT

We stopped having people over, but what’s the matter with a small joint after the kids go to bed? It might make all these terrible TV shows kind of interesting. This seems like a fairly safe idea until you try it. You’re on call 24 hours a day when you have kids, and that means it’s fairly negligent to get yourself into a state of mind where you were worried about satellites but then you forgot and now you keep saying, “Wait, what was I talking about?”

10. NO PRINCESS OR SUPERHERO S##T

I’m Canadian and I grew up with old French cartoons such as Barbapapa, so my kids should do the same. They don’t need all the corporate crap and merchandising that Disney shoves down their throats. Then I took the kids to see Toy Story and my son’s head blew off. Soon after, I got him Woody and the guy who was on that giant screen was now his best friend. To deny him this fun would make me feel like the guy who made Beethoven deaf.

Same goes for my daughter. I avoided all the princess stuff until she went to her friend Cassidy’s house and saw a huge trunk full of princess dresses. She convinced me to buy her a pile of princess costumes of her own, and I haven’t seen her since. I think she’s in her room.

[CatherineofAragon]

"Eating dinner with the family is a very important ritual that should not be sullied by corny logos on milk cartons and juice containers. So all beverages will be served from jugs and the butter will be unwrapped and placed in a small glass dish."

LOL, seriously?

[momtothree]

Happy Father’s Day to all Daddy and Granddaddy freepers! May your day be filled with love, joy and the blessings of your children. Hugs, Mom

[Mrs. Don-o]

Just to remind you that drunken partying, pot-smoking, and reluctance to homeschool are not guaranteed identifiers for libs.

For one thing, many conservative parents fit that script. Look, even Bill Buckley smoked pot: though not much, I suppose.

For another, there are lib homeschoolers, and they don't necessarily fit the template, either.

I mention that because, for the 11 years that we were homeschooling our boys, there were basically 2 homeschool support groups in town: one that was tightly identified with a Pentecostal church, and the other for "everyone else," which included quite a few libs. (We were in this second one because the first group --- Pentecostals --- considered Catholic kids to be mission bait.)

The lib homeschoolers were a diverse group, broadly respectable and likeable, and not --- as far as I could tell --- substance abusers, unless you count green smoothies.

[mrs. a]

“LOL, seriously?”

Actually, I do that here. But I’m a farmer, so there are plenty of things I do during the course of the day that are not so “delicate.” The no-labels rule is the one bit of useless civilization to which I bitterly cling.

I’ll drink beer from the bottle, but not at the table!

[Cronos]

I remember barbapapa from my childhood when my parents took me to Bahrain!

[workerbee]

We were in this second one because the first group --- Pentecostals --- considered Catholic kids to be mission bait.

LOL!

[FunkyZero]

Some of this connects with me and some of it makes me cringe. We've brought up our kids to both master and appreciate their ability to entertain themselves outside and with no gadgets or toys. Those things are generally plan B... for those rainy days. They do have plenty of those things, but after all these years, they now head for the door to get outside instead of planting in front of the TV or computer. We do "force" them to try everything at least once and give it an honest chance... whether that be broccoli or a sport. After that, it's their decision if we feel they gave it an honest chance. We've always placed a lot of emphasis on making sure they are kids for as long as they are allowed, with just the right amount of pressure and motivation when required.

I do find it funny how I have changed personally though. Once upon a time, I couldn't wait to turn 16 and drive. Then I couldn't wait til I was 18 and could move out and make my own rules (hahaaha). Then, it was 21 so I could buy my own beer... then graduating college became the wish of the season.

Then, things started to change. I couldn't wait til I was 25 so my damned car insurance would start going down a little. Fast forward to kids... Wow, things changed a LOT. I couldn't WAIT until they were potty trained and I could be free of diapers. Then, I couldn't WAIT til we were done fooling around with those stinking bottles. Now, here I am today... 2 boys in baseball, track, football, piano, parties, overnights... I find myself thinking "I can't WAIT til these kids get their own damned drivers license".

But through it all, I learn something new everyday about humanity, my wife and my kids. In the first couple years with kids, you learn to stand back and savor where you are standing and what you are witnessing and you know the day will come all to soon when you will be asking yourself why you wished away the years. At that point, the wishing sort of becomes a personal joke more than anything else. Nothing else I do in life will be more important than mentoring my kids. It'll be the one thing I am the most proud of... at least I hope. We haven't written the chapters of the teenage years yet and I DO have 2 boys.

[AbolishCSEU]

The explanation is that they did exactly what this “parent” is saying (he’s saying don’t obey most of the tried and true parental rules) yet still partying and smoking pot thrown in. I call it “free ranging” mixed with a bit of “helicoptering”

Obama was one of the first children to be raised with pity and zero expectations. This is all since the liberal mindset inception of the book by Dr. Spock telling parents not to spank and the government telling parents that any form of correcting/training their children is “abuse.”

Now we have “single parent” moms alienating dad out of the picture—who used to be the voice of discipline in the home. Add in some ADHD and “anti depressant” meds and you have yourself an Adam Lanza factory.

[Donkey Odious]

7. NO LOGOS ON THE TABLE.....I never thought about that, but I should have enforced a “No LEGOS on the floor” rule.
OUCH!

[married21]

When I was growing up, pre-80s, the milk jug or carton did not appear on the table. Milk was in a pitcher. Salad dressing was made from a package mix and was in a cruet. The vegetables were transferred to a serving bowl, not brought to the table in the pan.

My standards have slipped considerably for everyday meals. But kids need to see it done right every once in awhile.

[Moonman62]

What an immature clown. Poor kids.

Agreed.

[Moonman62]

Now we have “single parent” moms alienating dad out of the picture—who used to be the voice of discipline in the home. Add in some ADHD and “anti depressant” meds and you have yourself an Adam Lanza factory.

Add a father whose job is to avoid taxes for GE and you have an Adam Lanza factory.

[TexasFreeper2009]

Who created this AWFUL list ????

Let me address this one by one.

1. I’LL NEVER WEAR A BABY BACKPACK

I had 4 kids (2 were twins) and never once even considered using one.

2. THEY’RE TAKING PIANO LESSONS AND IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT, TOO BAD

All my kids take Piano lessons. I do give them a break during the summer, but the rest of the year they are mandatory.

3. I WILL MAKE THEM FINISH EVERY MEAL

I make my kids finish the important parts of every meal.

4. I’M GOING TO BE VERY ATTENTIVE

I am very attentive to my kids.

5. WE’RE GOING TO HOME-SCHOOL THEM

I seriously considered home school, but luckily I was in a position to afford a quality private school education for my kids.

6. WE WON’T LET THEM WATCH TV

I do let my kids watch TV, but try to limit (to my tolerances) how much time they spend on the computer and/or watching TV. I never said I wouldn’t let them watch TV.

7. NO LOGOS ON THE TABLE

There are no logos on our tables and never will be.

8. I’M STILL GOING TO PARTY

Had already seen where “partying” would lead waaaaaay before I had children, and haven’t ever missed it. I do sometimes need time alone with the wife to recharge, but it wouldn’t be classified as “partying” by any means.

9. I’M STILL GOING TO SMOKE POT

lol. Had no interest in wasting my money or my life doing drugs before I had kids, and certainly don’t have the need too now.

10. NO PRINCESS OR SUPERHERO S##T

I was looking forward to decorating my little girls room like a palace for a princess and to decorating my boys room with Star Wars décor (both tastefully done)

Whoever made this list is as different from me as night and day.

[kabumpo]

That writer just threw up his hands right away, firm’t know how to enforce discipline. In my house we had no tv.

[christianhomeschoolmommaof3]

We are Pentecostal and have several Catholic homeschoolers in our co-op. We consider one another brothers and sisters in Christ. Although there have been some very interesting theological discussions among the children. :) Blessings!

[Mrs. Don-o]

Thank you for such a cordial response! Man, it’s good to hear of good fellowship amongst Christians!

[1010RD]

The author’s a wimp.

[1010RD]

Excellent and describes my experience as well. The author’s a dufus and part of what’s wrong with American fathers. He’d be better off watching Shane and a half dozen Rifleman episodes if he wants to be a real dad.

Although, I did have a baby backpack so that I could carry my kids with two free hands into the woods, pull up rocks, climb things, cross rivers and have a great time with them right from the get go.

[1010RD]

Awesome and congrats.

[where's_the_Outrage?]

Amazing

I told my Thai Wife that we are going to paint a red line to keep the kid from running into the street.

Wow, that is not the Thai way, you are not a good father, it is not how we do things. What will people think?

I told her that I am the big dog, it will be my way. You will get the line painted or I will. And the kid will not cross it, I will stop them.

Last week her sister’s kid ran into the street and got hit by a scooter. He is OK. But if my kid crosses that red line, they will get spanked.