Eating Cheerios With Forks, and Other War Analogies (Syria Analogies)

New York Magazine ^ | 9/6 | Dan Amira

[nickcarraway]

As it seeks to communicate what exactly it hopes to do in Syria, and why it hopes to do that, the Obama administration has begun relying on colorful analogies to get its message across. USA Today, for example, relays a senior administration official explaining things thusly: "If Assad is eating Cheerios, we're going to take away his spoon and give him a fork. Will that degrade his ability to eat Cheerios? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he'll still be able to eat Cheerios."

In order to reach America's non-Cheerio-eating population in language it can readily understand, the White House has asked Daily Intelligencer to produce even more analogies about the scope and scale of a potential future bombing effort. And we have complied, for patriotism.

For the Youths:

If Assad is filming a twerk video, we're going to take away his iPhone and replace it with a Super 8 camera. Will that degrade his ability to film a twerk video? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he'll still be able to film a twerk video.

For the Olds:

If Assad is watching The Mentalist, we're going to take away his remote control and give him a long stick. Will that degrade his ability to watch The Mentalist? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he'll still be able to watch The Mentalist.

For the Men:

If Assad is flirting with a woman, we're going to take away his sunglasses and replace them with Google Glasses. Will that degrade his ability to flirt with a woman? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he'll still be able to flirt with a woman.

For the Ladies:

If Assad is trying to walk away from a conversation with a guy wearing Google Glasses, we're going to take away his shoes and replace them with roller skates. Will that degrade his ability to walk away from a conversation with a guy wearing Google Glasses? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he'll still be able to walk away from a conversation with a guy wearing Google Glasses. For Tea-Partiers:

If Assad is writing an unhinged e-mail to the local newspaper, we're going to take away his caps-lock key and give him an extra space bar. Will that degrade his ability to write an unhinged e-mail to the local newspaper? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he'll still be able to write an unhinged e-mail to the local newspaper.

For Floridians:

If Assad is driving drunk with an alligator who is also a prostitute, we're going to take away his brakes and give him a pile of dirty overalls. Will that degrade his ability to drive drunk with an alligator who is also a prostitute? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he'll still be able to drive drunk with an alligator who is also a prostitute.

For Members of Congress:

If Assad is taking part in the weekly Eyes Wide Shut orgy in the basement of the Capitol, we're going to take away his creepy Venetian mask and give him a Hello Kitty mask. Will that degrade his ability to take part in the weekly Eyes Wide Shut orgy in the basement of the Capitol? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he'll still be able to take part in the weekly Eyes Wide Shut orgy in the basement of the Capitol. And that's everybody.

[Iron Munro]

It’s all very simple and straightforward:

Obama is upset with Syrian muslims on one side for using unconventional weapons to kill Syrian muslims on the other side.

He wants them to stop it and go back to killing each other with conventional weapons.

As punishment for using unconventional weapons to kill each other, Obama plans on killing Syrian muslims with conventional bombs and missles to teach them a lesson.

Then, if they go back to killing each other with conventional weapons, Obama will let them be.

But, if they use unconventional weapons against each other again, Obama will kill more of them as punishment for straying outside the guidelines he has set for them.