Posted on 10/18/2001 4:23:21 PM PDT by ken5050
The biggest battle going on in the world today is not in Afghanistan, it is in Washington DC, where various agencies of the US government are engaged in a vicious internal struggle as to whether or not to release a secret study which conclusively proves that smoking three packs of cigarettes per day gives the smoker complete immunity against anthrax. The discovery occured quite by accident
Researchers were astonished to find two days later, that instead of the 85-90% mortality they expected, only 3 rats had died.
Extensive tests were done, and it conclusively proved that cigarette smoke effectively destroys the anthrax spores in the lungs. Indeed, of all the brands tested, Marlboros are the most effective, and Virginia Slims Menthol Lites have the least effect.
The doctors were thinking of publishing a paper to report the curious anomaly, but the events of 9/ll have changed all that.
If they release the report, it could cause millions of Americans to start smoking again. At the very least, millions more will start hanging around in bars, inhaling deeply for hours. The Liquor industry is thrilled at the news, and the liquor lobby has already developed a marketing campaign to invite non-smokers to enjoy the benefits of "passive smoke".
The slogan: FRIENDS LET FRIENDS INHALE has been suggested.
But it is really the tobacco lobby that is in the forefront of the enormous pressure to get the news out. They feel that it is their patriotic duty to let all Americans know that a nearly 100% effective preventative measure for anthrax exists, and it costs a lot less than CIPRO...There's even talk of reviving, and updating the famous LUCKY STRIKE ads from WW II: i.e. LUCKIES GO TO WAR AGAINST ANTHRAX.
The trial lawyers are vehemently opposed to releasing the news, fearful that is will completely bring down the multibillion dollar settlements against the tobacco companies, and their own huge fees. Indeed, the tobacco lobby is said to be asking for a complete overturn of the judgement against the industry as a condition for rapidly increasing production. A spokesman noted that they don't really have to increase output, they can just increase their prices.
As this article is being written, rumors are flying around the Capitol of a just finished corollary study which shows that marijuana is FIVE times more effective than regular cigarette smoke in stopping anthrax. Apparently, the narcotic numbs the spores, they don't fly around as much inside the lungs, and therefore less cigarette smoke is needed to destroy the little buggers. This theory has not yet been completely validated, though the first studies are very promising.
However, as the news has started to leak out, cigarette sales in the District are up by 1500% over last month. And, in a curious social phenomena, teenagers are passionately seen "swapping smoke" at clubs and parties. And Home Depot reports that they are completely out of stock of indoor "grow-lights"
There is some frustration in many of the scientific comunity that Congress doesn't appear to be very interested in the report. Members, obviously concerned with their own self-interest, are convinced that long exposure to "smoke-filled" rooms have given them all complete immunity, are inclined to carefully study the results. Indeed, that is the real reason why the senate voted NOT to adjourn today..the members were convinced they were not at risk.
I guess it's really true -- everybody must get stoned.
But did they find out what it would do if you ate a whole Onion in one day?
I hope Sweet Cherry Little Cigar smoke works just as well.
It's humor, Hidy.
Question: if workers at a tobacco company knew that their bosses were breaking the law and recklessly endangering their customers' lives, would you expect them to remain silent and cover up for them?
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