Posted on 11/19/2001 6:59:18 PM PST by DCBurgess58
Airliner joke.... Rated PG-13
"Hi folks, hope you're all enjoying our flight today. Looks like smooth sailing all the way and we should be reaching our destination in about two hours. The local time there is currently 1:30 in the afternoon and it's a balmly 73 degrees at the airport. Thank you for flying with us today"
At that point, not realizing that the microphone was still on, the pilot looked over to the co-pilot and said "I sure could use a cup of coffee and a bl@w j@b about now"
All the passengers clearly heard the pilot's request and a mortified stewardess ran from the back of the plane to inform the pilot that his microphone was still on.
As she neared the front of the plane a passenger shouted out "DON'T FORGET THE COFFEE"!
The pilot comes on the intercom and says, "Folks, this is your captain, we've reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet and it looks like a smooth ride all the way to OH MY GOD!!!..."
He doesn't say anything more. Neither do the passengers. After a moment, the intercom clicks on again:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain again, sorry about that. While I was talking to you the stewardess brought me a cup of hot coffee and I spilled it. You should see the front of my pants."
And a man in the back spoke up weakly, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly describes the Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was Kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business,but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not concidered a very ' smart' cookie, wasting his time and mush of his dough oin half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions, Doughboy is survived by his wife,Play Dough; too children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his father ,Pop Tart,
The funeral we held at 3.50 for about 20 minutes,
We will miss you old chum.
The strangers were of varying cultures.
One was Native American.
Another was a cowboy from Wyoming.
The other person was a devout Muslim.
During their conversation, they began to discuss their cultural history.
The Native American stated "once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim then chimed in and said "once my people were few and now we are many."
The cowboy looked at the Muslim and said with a sly grin "that's cause we aint played cowboys and Muslims yet."
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven. Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. Here is the First: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer." How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song.
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN......" St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run
Pop had died and they were at his wake.
Unfortunately, there was foul play suspected.
It apparantly was a cereal killing.........
Ok ok I'm sorry....LOL
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