Help! My Wife is Addicted to ICQ Chat! (Vanity)

Reve BM | May 2, 2002 | Reve BM

[ReveBM]

My wife recently discovered ICQ chat and has been using it for about a month. She spends something like 4 hours a day on it (obviously, mostly in the late evening after the kids are in bed). She spends a lot of time giggling to herself over the funny things people say.

I know the chat is not sexual because I am right by her and she often tells me verbatim what she is typing to people (which drives me crazy if I am trying to read).

Anyway, does anyone else out there have a partner addicted to chat like this? Does it go on forever? Is it harmful? Is it worse than being addicted to Freerepublic?

Are there ways that I could encourage her to do more "creative" things with her time, in a supportive way?

I am cutting her a lot of slack right now because she recently overcame a major bout of clinical depression, which bottomed out last August. She just went off Zoloft 2 months ago and has been dressing better and better with more self-respect than I've seen her do in some time.

Thoughts?

Me? I'm fine. Nothing odd at all about me.

[Hawkeye's Girl]

Get her out more, and get her some other hobbies.

I have had ICQ, AIM, Yahoo!, and MSN messenger, and I ended up deleting them all since they started to take up too much of my time. Typing to strangers is very impersonal in the end since you don't get out as much or do as much, yet it's misleadingly social because you're "interacting" with other people.

[pittsburgh gop guy]

Get her back on the drugs. ICQ is just another internet-addiction that is not healthy and can only lead to bad things. She is using it to fill a void in her life that should be filled in other ways.

Just like when I find myself on FREEREPUBLIC for more than a hour - it is time to turn the computer off and do something else, like read or even watch tv.

[Vicki]

My husband and I have been doing business on the internet for the last 6 years.

I predicted a while back that the internet will be another source of interference in marriages. We made the rule from the get go, no chat rooms, clubs online, etc. The conversations seem to always get around to sex. My cousin went into a gardening chat room and within minutes was approached in a sexual way.

The internet is very addicting for some people and can become a crutch.

It would depend who she is talking to. Friends and family?

[TrappedInLiberalHell]

Well, my ex-wife used to do it all the time. I later discovered she was indeed having an online affair. But that was in a separate chat, part of the online role-playing game Everquest. Prior to that she would spend lots of time in instant messaging, ignoring me, and it bugged me. But now that I'm single, I chat with a woman in Australia for an hour or two every night (cheaper than calling her all the time). But the difference is that I'm not doing so in detriment to a relationship -- it IS the relationship.

But anyway, I would say that if she's using this as an excuse not to relate to you, then it could be a problem. And as I said, I know exactly how that feels.

[ReveBM]

No, these are definitely not friends and family. Unlike most people I guess, most of our real life friends are not online (or we don't know where they are when they are online). These are the random people who say "hi, want to chat?" when you go into a chat area.

[tjg]

What is FR but a conservative political chat room?

[ReveBM]

I haven't really decided whether she's using it not to relate to me right now.

I am in the process of getting my own business off the ground right now. I spend a lot of time at my PC right next to her, during the same hours late at night when she is chatting (we have 2 pcs nearby to each other). While I am working on the computer for my business, she chats. Then we both go to bed at some point.

If she was not chatting she would probably be doing something else here in the same room with me like reading or watching TV. I would still be working, because it's the best time for me to work.

[Fifth Business]

It will destroy her spelling, grammar, capitalization, syntax, and possibly her ability to reason. Other than that it's fine. r u ok w/ that?

[jude24]

You might want to consider having her delete ICQ for the sake of your marriage.

A lot of my friends/classmates all use AIM and MSN Messenger to communicate. It rolls chat, file sharing, and even a digital bullitin board or answering machine all into one, especially with away messages in AIM. Quicker than email.

So, it may be harmless. But it also may be a problem. Thats something only you and your wife can decide.

Is she actually addicted? If she is, thats generally symptomatic of deeper psychological issues that might need to be addressed.

[FITZ]

If your wife isn't hiding anything and the conversations are just light or funny, I don't see why it'd any worse than talking with neighbors or co-workers. I used to do on-line chats that were totally innocent and it was interesting sometimes talking with someone from other countries. Television is very boring and she's staying at home.

[Bella_Bru]

Does she have an outside life? Friends? Does she ever get the hell out of the house with them? She needs to be involved in some outside activities. As do some people who spend 18 hours a day here......

[ReveBM]

I don't think she's addicted...yet.

It's just that the time rolls by when she's doing it, like when I play computer games. I don't really feel ignored at this point because I am working while she is doing it.

I kind of threw "addicted" into the title there to get peoples' reaction.

If I was trying to send romantic signals to her and she couldn't break out of her chat-haze, THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM. So far it hasn't happened.

[Bella_Bru]

Fitz, I too have met some cool people who live in other countries. It certainly is cheaper than usig the phone.

[FITZ]

Outside activities aren't always so good either ---I would say if she enjoys it and it's not on-line affairs just let it be, women with small children should be home with them and what difference if they're watching television, reading books or chatting and laughing?

[ReveBM]

Yes, where in God's name would she be out at midnight in my town anyway? That could cause a lot more problems than is worth contemplating. Daytime is a totally different story...

[Howlin]

You can block that, you know, make it so only people who have her nickname can see her online.

[swheats]

It could be a lot worse. She might be just piddling around while you're busy doing your thing. She would probably drop it in a heartbeat if she felt it wouldn't distract you and ask for more of your focus. If she's content and home with you, you have the best of both worlds. Being able to be consumed with your business and your mate by your side.

I wonder if I told my husband that FR keeps the depression away would he go for it. Hmmmm

[ReveBM]

I would describe my marriage to my wife as being very good right now. However, I could see how internet chat could come back to bite me if that were not the case.

[jlogajan]

There is very little logical reason to relate to other people in any manner, over the backyard fence, at the coffee shop, at the hair salon, etc.

But it seems to fill the hours of our lives and make us feel connected in some way.

I'm not sure cutting her off answers her needs. Sometimes some of us have to admit we don't fill our spouses needs. We can eiter try, or let them find someone who does.