Posted on 02/26/2003 7:38:53 AM PST by HoneyBoo
The West Wing Defends America
by Richard Acello
Act I
Its a beautiful day in Washington. President Martin Sheen is reflecting on his recent appointment of Barbra Streisand to the Supreme Court, while thumbing through Bill Clintons memoir, How I Won the War Against Terror and Still Found Time to Play Twister.
Suddenly, a knock at the door. An aide enters.
Aide: Sorry to interrupt, sir, but a bomb has blown up New York City. Looks like it might be the work of Middle Eastern terrorist extremists!
Pres. Sheen: In all fairness, we dont actually know if it was Middle Eastern terrorists, do we? I mean, the bomb didnt actually say Made in Iraq or Greetings from Osama on it, did it?
Aide: Gee, sir, youre right.
Pres. Sheen: Call a meeting of the United Nations immediately. Well draft a resolution. Remember that Beatles song, Say, you want a resolution, we all want to save the world?
Aide: Yes, sir, but there might be a logistical problem, since the U.N is in New York, and .
Pres. Sheen: Damnthese terrorists are diabolical. Why dont you take a brisk stroll with one of the other geek aides down the hallwaydo it urgently, like you actually have someplace to go. If you manage to find your way out of the building, get back to me and tell me how you did it.
Act II
Pres. Sheen: Looks like Ill have to call in my secret weaponAmbassador Jesse Jackson.
Jackson enters Oval Office.
Pres. Sheen: Jesse, Im in a fix. Religious travelers have allegedly blown up New York City. I say allegedly because we wont know for sure until theyre brought before the World Court. But in the meantime, we need to negotiate.
Jackson: I will not hesitate to negotiate. I will bombasticate while you levitate. I keep hope alive on the news at five. Im on a mission to preclude nuclear fission. But I must earn a commission.
Pres. Sheen: Just help yourself to that Hefty bag of cash by the door .
Jackson exits.
Secretary of State Sheryl Crow enters, wearing her War is not the Answer T-shirt.
Pres. Sheen: As you may have heard, weve been attacked by peace loving religious pilgrims. We need to intensify our diplomacy.
Sheryl Crow: Ill write a song. Ill call itum, lets see, A Song for New York. Well make it an event. Ill bet I can even get Yoko! Well all be swaying to the music, showing our concern, flashing the peace sign, and well do it right in the heart of Manhattan!
Pres. Sheen: There could be a problem doing it in Manhattan.
Sec. Crow: Duh, thats right. Well, in that case, Im gonna soak up the sun. Gotta rock on.
Sec. Crow exits.
Act III
Pres. Sheen addresses the nation: My fellow Americans. As you may have heard, New York was bombed today, and like you, Im totally bummed. But what we need to ask ourselves is, what did we do to make these fine religious wayfarers from the Middle East so angry? Where did we fail them? Accordingly, Im sending Ambassador Jesse Jackson to the Middle East for a big kum ba ya and to solicit donations from the mullahs for the Rainbow Coalition. I have also instructed Secretary of State Sheryl Crow to write a Song for New York, which will be recorded with Artistes Making Statements, including Susan Sarandon, Carrot Top, and Pee Wee Herman!
Aide bursts in: Mr. President, looks like theres a bomb headed right for the White House. What should we do, sir?
Pres. Sheen: That wasnt in the script. Get me rewrite! Get me rewrite!
Fade to Black.
Hilarious! Just don't choke on your coffee while you read it.
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