Congratulations! You Are The Proud Parent of a Teen Daughter

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.

Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? Your teenage daughter did come with a required training regimen. For you!! In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there! If you cannot find her, you just haven't finished your training (which of course your daughter already knows).

I think I have the dating scene fixed right now. The scheme will even pad the wallet. Check this out;

She will be allowed to date based on these rules:

1. The young man must present a 20 dollar deposit. This deposit guarantees the prompt return of my daughter. He may set the time. He better be back with my daughter at that time.

2. The young man must; Meet me, mom and the three older brothers. My sons and I will be at the dinning room table cleaning guns. If the young man insists on being outside and honks the horn for my duaghter, the date is off.

3. I will present the young man a token, a .223 cartridge. This will remain in his pocket the duration of the date. If he even thinks about kissing my daughter, that bullet will get hot.

4. If you think my wife will let any of this happen....

well, the gun part will be :)

All of the above is reason enough for my wife and I to take the greatest joy in the fact that OUR three children exhibit none of these symptoms. Of course, the fact that they are of the Canine Persuasion - Golden Retriever, Siberian Husky, and Chow-Chow - might have at least something to do with it.

OUR children will never wind up costing us hundreds of thousands of dollars for college and graduate school because they already know more than we do. My Golden told me so last night.

OUR children look resplendent in fur coats, so that's what they wear. They DO like to shop for toys, but those are G-rated.

OUR female children will never bring home an "omigod he's so hot" pizza delivery boy. They can sign for the pizza, however.

OUR children don't dress like they do lap dances, but they do perform such acts. Thank God.

OUR children love to be seen with us and like to eat the food we give them. They don't talk much on the phone, but they eat it once in a while.

OUR children are neat AND clean. They pick up everything and take warm baths when we say so. They are easily entertained, especially by Animal Planet, and love to entertain US.

OUR children even have a great retirement plan - their 401(K-9). It provides them with medical care, unlimited kibbles and treats, their own special places to live here at the mansion, and allows them to travel wherever we go.

OUR children will never have a drug or alcohol problem, although all three DO have "Licker Licenses."

Michael

Eric, and everyone else, this is how I scare the hell out of boys,
firstly when I am at the gym, I find some students from their school, and make sure I bench press more than them.
secondly, I have had to break up a couple of parties, that the out of town parents had asked me to keep a look on the houses,
Never smile, and make sure they know I have a CCW permit,
I also have an 80 pound black lab, who keeps a close eye on the house and surrondings.
I have security system on everynight (no un-authorized access to my house)

had one of my younger daughters suitors, come by the house after a day of playing in the snow, my first comment was BOY you are going to pull those pants up aren't you.
My youngest tells me all the boys in the school are scared to death of me.......
LOL,
I have also appologized to my daughters for all the boys, I have scared away and all those that I will........hehehehehe,belly laughing
It doesn't take much to scare teenage boys,

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter:

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.

OK, folks, in the cause of Fair Play:

Lazy Teenage Sons: Three fathers were commiserating about the impossibility to get their sons to do anything. As the discussion continued, the talk assumed the proportions of a wager as to whose son was laziest.

The piled into a car and went to the first father's house. The son was laying on the couch, watching TV. The father said to him, "Son, if you stand up, and walk across the room, I will give you this $100 bill!".

The son mumbled something about not wanting to, and the other fathers agreed this was a lazy boy, but- You must see MINE!

So they went to the second father's house, and were greeted with the same scene; The son was lounging on the couch, watching TV.

"Son, if you just RAISE YOUR ARM, and clench your fist,I will give you this $100 bill!".

The son mumbled something about it being stupid, etc.

The other fathers shook their heads in recognition, but the third father insisted they see HIS son.

Off they went, and to the surprise of the first two, the third son was NOT watching TV- He was sitting on the front steps, crying and wailing in agony!

"What's the matter with YOU?"

"Waaah! *sob* I'm sitting on my testicles!!!"

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