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Hillary Goes to WalMart (Freepers Applauded!)
The Weekly Standard Online | June 15, 2003 | Matt LaBash

Posted on 06/15/2003 9:13:21 PM PDT by alwaysconservative

Hillary Goes to Wal-Mart From the June 23, 2003 issue: The latest skirmish in the Clinton wars. by Matt Labash 06/23/2003, Volume 008, Issue 40

Fairfax, Virginia IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE the electricity one feels when crossing this Northern Virginia strip-mall parking lot to attend Hillary Clinton's "Living History" book-signing. But I haven't been this excited about Wal-Mart since my one-hour photos came back in 25 minutes. It makes me feel all sprightly and young again--as if it were 1998.

Hillary has yet to arrive, but already, her fans and detractors are sparring. On one side of the street, snaking out of the store through the lawn'n'garden section, are the Hillaryites. They carry umbrellas and folding chairs and squeeze-bottles. They look like public librarians and NPR pledge-drivers. They arrive as early as 9 A.M. to snatch up all 2,000 books and be in place to get them signed at 7:30 that evening. They are a patient, trusting people. And they will need patience to endure the taunts of their opponents, standing across the way on a median strip.

The Wal-Mart parking lot is shaping up to resemble an old-school gang fight. Except instead of knives and chains, the combatants use placards and really weak song parodies. The Hillaryites' tormentors are the Freepers, a fierce, warlike tribe from the Free Republic organization--a fire-breathing conservative band of Internet brothers who often call each other by their screen names, even in person. The gist of the Freeper complaint--one seconded by many mainstream book reviewers who are much less intense than they are--is that Hillary has been paid $8 million to perpetrate a fraud, one of the many tributary frauds being her claim that she didn't know her husband had relations with Monica Lewinsky until he admitted it in August 1998, seven months after the story broke.

The contempt expressed for Hillary is of a nature that even I, who labor in the vineyards of full-time Clinton-bashers, have rarely heard. Like many conservatives, they seem to dislike her more than Bill--presumably because Bill is regarded as a phony, but he at least lives his lies. Hillary, the thinking goes, is living someone else's lies, making her a phony squared. The Freepers take pride in not being full-time activists--"We all have REAL JOBS," says the business card of one of them. Still, they come off as dedicated protest professionals. They save money on placards by writing different messages on the front and back of their signs. And they bring fun costumes, like the guy wearing a full devil suit, who communicates, in his own understated way, that Hillary is the Princess of Darkness.

Dave Fordice, a Freeper mechanical engineer, is conducting a high-volume marriage seminar (What would you do if your husband serially cheated on you?), when he's accosted by a Hillary partisan in a postal service uniform, who goes, well, kind of postal. It's hard to understand her through all the foaming, but she says something about Dave not being God, which all of us--even Dave--know, because God probably wouldn't wear a "Fry Mumia" T-shirt, as Dave does.

The Freepers and the Hillaryites go back and forth, speaking like overheated bumper stickers, in a manner that resembles our political discourse through most of the nineties. A Freeper placard touts Monica's "Quote of the Century: 'I voted Republican this year, the Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth.'" "Boo!" say several of the Hillaryites. The Freepers start bleating like barnyard animals, then break into a chorus of "Sheeple Who Need Sheeple." "Loser!" cough the Hillaryites, now holding L-signs up to their foreheads. The Freepers are outnumbered about 200 to 1. But preparation is everything, and the Freepers seem to be getting the best of it.

The Hillaryites are frustrated, but a bellicose, heavyset woman starts trying to rally the troops by screaming "Bozo! Bush is a BOZO!" I scramble over to her and try to conduct an interview. But she's tasted blood and finds it difficult to stop. She tries to respond to questions and wage war at the same time. The effect is that of a Tourette's sufferer short of medication: "My name is Tina, and those are BOZO LOVERS! BUSH IS BOZO THE CLOWN! Hi, who you with? BOZO! Who do you write for? DOWN WITH BOZO!"

Across the street, Freepers are getting satisfaction. "Do you feel the love?" smiles one of them. But they up the ante with the announcement of a "Hillary Book Toss." It's done in homage to Hillary, who reportedly once chucked an ashtray at her husband's head. Whoever throws the book farthest gets to keep it and get it signed by Hillary. Just as the Freepers announce this, Wal-Mart security moves in and tells them they will have to conduct the book toss over to the side, on a grassy knoll. Safety comes first. Initially, I think security just wants to ensure that nobody sustains a head injury by getting clipped with the 562-page behemoth. But after reading it, I see the less obvious concern: If the book had fallen open to page 465, where Hillary tells a friend, "My husband may have his faults, but he has never lied to me," someone might have laughed himself to death.

The only takers on the book toss are three 15-year-old boys who purport to be Hillary fans. I ask one of them how he could engage in this lefty equivalent of a flag-burning. Does he understand that the Freepers are desecrating her book? He looks confused. I'm not sure he knows what "desecrate" means. Another of the 15-year-olds grabs the book and wings it. It takes off on a sideways trajectory, like a foul ball down the right-field line. It goes 20 yards, tops. He looks embarrassed. "It slipped," he says, apologetically. "That's okay," commiserates a Freeper. "The Clintons are slippery people."

INSIDE THE STORE, Hillary has snuck in through the back, right by layaway and the restrooms. The signing desk sits in front of a black curtain, with book cover photos surrounding the author. I've been looking at the photos all day, so I don't immediately recognize her without the benefit of airbrushing. But there she is, with her sassy, sensible cut and her lime-green pantsuit. She takes her place at the table and starts signing like a banshee. She signs her name only--no personalizing--and her head swivels up like a speedbag for each of her adoring fans. Her able assistants hustle people off before they can ask probing questions like, "Could you please sign it to . . . ?" But Hillary greets everyone with a smile, as her eyes bulge big--so big that the whites attain 360-degree clearance around her irises.

To the people assembled, this expression means different things. To her fans, her eyes say, "I'm one of you--just a gal who likes to stop by Wal-Mart for a Sam's Choice cola and a $1.78 Nacho Chile Pie." To her moderate critics, they say, "Look at me, I'm almost human." To her Freeper-style critics, the eyes say, "Back off, or I'll ice you, just like I iced Vince Foster." To me, they don't say much of anything, since her staffers won't let reporters near her.

Instead, I swim around the plastic flip-flop racks and Prayer Bear stuffed animals, to interview her supporters in line. Just for kicks, and to see if they are as gullible as Hillary purports to be, I ask when exactly during impeachment year they finally believed that Bill Clinton had had a relationship with Monica Lewinsky. Here are their verbatim responses: Hillaryite 1: "When he said so." Hillaryite 2: "I don't remember." Hillaryite 3: "I don't remember." Hillaryite 4: "When he admitted it." Hillaryite 5: "I think he was set up by the Republicans."

Hitting the other end of the line, I grab a Hillaryite to ask how his signing went. "She's pure evil," he says. "She's a cancer on America." It turns out he's not a Hillary fan at all. But he stood in line for nearly four hours just to try to get her to inscribe his book, "To BJ," which stands for . . . well, her husband knows. He also wanted to get his picture taken with her--as he flipped her the bird. He didn't succeed, and now he's kicking himself: "It was something my grandchildren might have said, 'You know, I'm proud of granddad.'"

As I leave the most polarizing figure in American politics, still signing books frenetically, I grab a cherry ICEE and a Star tabloid, and head to the counter. I can't wait to find out about Demi Moore's "red hot affair" with Ashton Kutcher, but as I flip to the story, by coincidence, I see Hillary's severe-looking mugshot. The tabloid obviously went to press before Hillary's book was released. But the story quotes an "insider" who says that her book will "whitewash" her hiring of private investigators to keep tabs on the husband she now defends, as well as her efforts to keep "his various women quiet." The Star, I'm reminded, has a pretty good batting average on the former first family. I slip into the night in a wave of nostalgia, with Bill, Hillary, and the Star.

It feels like old times.

Matt Labash is senior writer at The Weekly Standard.


TOPICS: Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: dcchapter; freepers; hillapalooza; hillary; livinghistory; lyinghistory; mattlabash; walmart
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The part about the Hillaryite with Tourette's made me laugh so hard my stomach aches! This and his first article on her book are just PRICELESS! Thanks Mr. LaBash, for some sensational writing, and to the Freepers who provided him the inspiration!
1 posted on 06/15/2003 9:13:23 PM PDT by alwaysconservative
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To: alwaysconservative
I've been looking at the photos all day, so I don't immediately recognize her without the benefit of airbrushing.

Airbrushing hell. We're talking serious plastic surgery.

Before:

After:


2 posted on 06/15/2003 9:26:44 PM PDT by Bubba_Leroy
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To: alwaysconservative
This was a great read. Thanks!

prisoner6

3 posted on 06/15/2003 9:28:00 PM PDT by prisoner6 ( Right Wing Nuts hold the country together as the loose screws of the left fall out!)
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To: alwaysconservative
This had me laughing out loud from beginning to end. Thanks for posting it.
4 posted on 06/15/2003 9:28:18 PM PDT by alnick ("Never have so many been so wrong about so much." - Rummy)
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To: alwaysconservative; JohnHuang2
Great stuff!

Hey, John....

Please do your *ping* thing!

5 posted on 06/15/2003 9:31:12 PM PDT by hole_n_one
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To: alwaysconservative
Outstanding! Should be introduced into the Congressional Record.
6 posted on 06/15/2003 9:36:18 PM PDT by Diver Dave
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To: alwaysconservative
Whoa, let's hear it for Matt.

Hey DC Freepers, any real estimates on how many stood on line for her highness?

7 posted on 06/15/2003 9:36:52 PM PDT by TC Rider (The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.)
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To: sauropod; SLB; Angelwood; kristinn; tgslTakoma; FreeTheHostages; bmwcyle; aristeides; BufordP
...which all of us--even Dave--know, because God probably wouldn't wear a "Fry Mumia" T-shirt, as Dave does.

Who dat?

8 posted on 06/15/2003 9:36:55 PM PDT by Fred Mertz
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To: alwaysconservative
Hillary tells a friend, "My husband may have his faults, but he has never lied to me," someone might have laughed himself to death.

Great article and humorously written. I just can't believe she would write the above in her book! How rediculous!!

9 posted on 06/15/2003 9:40:16 PM PDT by potlatch
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To: alwaysconservative
Thanks for the post. I was just watching hilliary on C-SPAN before reading this. I am still laughing....he nails it.
10 posted on 06/15/2003 9:43:08 PM PDT by Irish Eyes
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To: alwaysconservative
Great article!
11 posted on 06/15/2003 9:43:28 PM PDT by Lijahsbubbe
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To: ntnychik
Funny Hillary article!!
12 posted on 06/15/2003 9:43:44 PM PDT by potlatch
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To: alwaysconservative
FReepin Awesome...
13 posted on 06/15/2003 9:51:51 PM PDT by tubebender
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To: alwaysconservative
Thanks Mr. LaBash, for some sensational writing, and to the Freepers who provided him the inspiration!

This guy is a great writer! Too many laugh lines to post.

14 posted on 06/15/2003 9:53:03 PM PDT by Dianna (space for rent)
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To: potlatch
The best part is that 3/4 of the article is about Freepers!
15 posted on 06/15/2003 9:58:59 PM PDT by dalereed
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To: alwaysconservative
Great article. Matt Labash is a terrific writer. I've been enjoying his work for years. The Freepers did a great job. Kudos to them! You know it was a successful operation when all the other side could come up with was "Bush is a bozo!"

I don't know why people are going crazy buying this book and waiting on line for hours to meet Her Heinous. What a waste of money and time. Sad to say, my brother and his wife have succumbed to Hillary's spell. I was at their house a few days ago and I saw The Evil One's visage leering at me from their coffee table. Fortunately I was able to look away in time. Close call!
16 posted on 06/15/2003 10:02:05 PM PDT by Rainbow Rising (My different drummer marches to the beat of a different drummer.)
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To: alwaysconservative; nopardons; Mo1; mtngrl@vrwc
ROTFL! This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I am in convulsions!
17 posted on 06/15/2003 10:05:36 PM PDT by ladyinred
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To: Bubba_Leroy
I didn't know avon sold bondo till I saw those two pics.......Stay Safe !
18 posted on 06/15/2003 10:05:51 PM PDT by Squantos (Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.)
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To: dalereed
I especially liked this; The Hillaryites' tormentors are the Freepers, a fierce, warlike tribe from the Free Republic organization--a fire-breathing conservative band of Internet brothers

LOL! In another freep article, FReepers were called 'steamrollers'!!

19 posted on 06/15/2003 10:07:32 PM PDT by potlatch
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To: alwaysconservative; Jim Robinson; Miss Marple; Neets; Bitwhacker; lysie; b4its2late; illstillbe; ...
Fantastic article!!! Absolutely hilarious!!!
20 posted on 06/15/2003 10:13:37 PM PDT by kayak (Do not bet against the success of freedom. - GWB 5/9/03)
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To: alwaysconservative
WOW! Kudos to the well-prepared. 200 to 1 and the 200 didn't have a chance!
21 posted on 06/15/2003 10:19:58 PM PDT by gcruse (Support home churching.)
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To: alwaysconservative
This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I will be chuckling all night long.
22 posted on 06/15/2003 10:22:32 PM PDT by Spunky (This little tag just keeps following me where ever I go.)
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To: alwaysconservative
Across the street, Freepers are getting satisfaction. "Do you feel the love?" smiles one of them. But they up the ante with the announcement of a "Hillary Book Toss." It's done in homage to Hillary, who reportedly once chucked an ashtray at her husband's head. Whoever throws the book farthest gets to keep it and get it signed by Hillary. Just as the Freepers announce this, Wal-Mart security moves in and tells them they will have to conduct the book toss over to the side, on a grassy knoll.

There had to be a second tosser.

23 posted on 06/15/2003 10:25:24 PM PDT by lowbridge (Rob: I see a five letter word, F-R-E-E-P. Freep. Jerry: Freep? What's that? -Dick Van Dyke Show)
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To: ladyinred
Thanks for the ping ; I laughed and giggled my way through the article.
24 posted on 06/15/2003 10:26:46 PM PDT by nopardons
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To: ladyinred; rintense; MJY1288; RedBloodedAmerican; twyn1; kitkat; justshe; lonestar; ...
OMG ... ROFLMBO!!!!

That made my day .. I'm emailing this one right away

Hey Y'all .. Ping a ling

25 posted on 06/15/2003 10:31:47 PM PDT by Mo1 (I'm a monthly Donor .. You can be one too!)
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To: alwaysconservative
Hilarious!
26 posted on 06/15/2003 10:47:01 PM PDT by Republican Wildcat (Help us elect Republicans in Kentucky! Click on my name for links to all the 2003 candidates!)
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To: alwaysconservative
when he's accosted by a Hillary partisan in a postal service uniform, who goes, well, kind of postal.

Come election time, count on this postal worker to, whoops, "accidentally" lose Republican ballots and campaign literature in the mails.

27 posted on 06/15/2003 10:50:55 PM PDT by lowbridge (Rob: I see a five letter word, F-R-E-E-P. Freep. Jerry: Freep? What's that? -Dick Van Dyke Show)
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To: alwaysconservative
Hillaryous! Too funny, thanks for the great post!
28 posted on 06/15/2003 11:05:42 PM PDT by roadcat
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To: alwaysconservative
This column is hilarious, a real keeper.
29 posted on 06/15/2003 11:14:27 PM PDT by Wild Irish Rogue
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To: alwaysconservative
"Back off, or I'll ice you, just like I iced Vince Foster."


ANOTHER Labash Bump! Keep lurking, Matt, and keep up the great writing. Anyone that makes the ultimate sacrifice of buying and READING this book for us has certainly done a courageous, unselfish thing. Click HERE , folks, to see the other article.

30 posted on 06/15/2003 11:31:37 PM PDT by lorrainer (FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.)
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To: alwaysconservative
On a coffee table at work there is a Time magazine with her " Big brother loves you" face staring at you with all of its hidden malice. I make it a point to turn it upside down whenever I pass that way.
31 posted on 06/15/2003 11:33:07 PM PDT by Nateman (Socialism first, cancer second.)
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To: alwaysconservative
See also the EARLIER thread:
Hillary Goes to WalMart (Freepers Applauded!)
      Posted by alwaysconservative
On 06/15/2003 9:13 PM PDT with 30 comments


The Weekly Standard Online | June 15, 2003 | Matt LaBash
     
 
Hillary Goes to Wal-Mart (FR DC Chapter mentioned)
      Posted by Gary Seven
On 06/14/2003 8:41 AM PDT with 133 comments


The Weekly Standard ^ | June 23, 2003 | Matt Labash

32 posted on 06/15/2003 11:39:01 PM PDT by RonDog
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To: Mo1
From the BIBLE of the neocons, The Weekly Standard:

June 23, 2003
Volume 08, Number 40

Hillary Goes to Wal-Mart
The latest skirmish in the Clinton wars.
"...The Freepers and the Hillaryites go back and forth, speaking like overheated bumper stickers, in a manner that resembles our political discourse through most of the nineties...

The Freepers are outnumbered about 200 to 1. But preparation is everything, and the Freepers seem to be getting the best of it..."


33 posted on 06/15/2003 11:40:35 PM PDT by RonDog
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To: Fred Mertz; sauropod
...Dave Fordice, a Freeper mechanical engineer, is conducting a high-volume marriage seminar (What would you do if your husband serially cheated on you?), when he's accosted by a Hillary partisan in a postal service uniform, who goes, well, kind of postal.

It's hard to understand her through all the foaming, but she says something about Dave not being God, which all of us--even Dave--know, because God probably wouldn't wear a "Fry Mumia" T-shirt, as Dave does...

This was a TEAM effort!

Here is a picture posted by FReeper L_Von_Mises of FReeper sauropod - wearing a T-Shirt that he got from FReeper abner:


sauropod FReeping Hillary

34 posted on 06/15/2003 11:43:15 PM PDT by RonDog
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To: alwaysconservative
Like many conservatives, they seem to dislike her more than Bill--presumably because Bill is regarded as a phony, but he at least lives his lies.

Fantastic!

At least Bill got some.
35 posted on 06/15/2003 11:45:11 PM PDT by Pro-Bush (Islam sucks)
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To: alwaysconservative; ALOHA RONNIE; RonDog; conservogirl; DoughtyOne; Quix; doug from upland; ...
Hillary meets Freepers at Wal-Mart!

Just the best article!!

Thanks for posting it!



36 posted on 06/16/2003 12:37:14 AM PDT by Joy Angela
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To: Fred Mertz
Who dat?

Conviceted cop killer. Darling of the left. A.N.S.W.E.R.'s cause celib-uh-rhul...

37 posted on 06/16/2003 12:37:53 AM PDT by null and void (Who Cries For The Krill?)
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To: alwaysconservative
LMMFAO! Thanks for posting. Gotta love the authors name too, LaBash! LMMFAO!

Thanks to the Freepers as well. I'm in the midwest, somewhere she won't dare come to.
38 posted on 06/16/2003 1:19:08 AM PDT by Teetop (Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.)
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To: kayak
Thanks for Ping Kay...you are right.. a great laugh within
39 posted on 06/16/2003 3:45:37 AM PDT by DollyCali (Authenticity: To have Arrived !)
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To: Mo1; radu; Kathy in Alaska
OMG Funniest read in a long time!

HILARIOUS! THANKS FOR THE PING

40 posted on 06/16/2003 4:25:41 AM PDT by Soaring Feather
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To: Nateman
"On a coffee table at work there is a Time magazine with her " Big brother loves you" face staring at you with all of its hidden malice. I make it a point to turn it upside down whenever I pass that way."

Nope. Toss it. No one will care.

41 posted on 06/16/2003 4:37:45 AM PDT by RightOnline
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To: Mo1
Thanks for the ping. This is a very well written and funny article. Wish I could have been there.
42 posted on 06/16/2003 6:04:37 AM PDT by SwatTeam
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To: RonDog; sauropod
Nice shirt. LOL
43 posted on 06/16/2003 6:30:31 AM PDT by Petronski (I'm not always cranky.)
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To: alwaysconservative
Makes me proud to be a FReeper! ¡Buena obra!
44 posted on 06/16/2003 6:52:39 AM PDT by Cuttnhorse
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To: 1Mike; 3catsanadog; ~Kim4VRWC's~; A CA Guy; A Citizen Reporter; abner; Aeronaut; AFPhys; agrace; ...
INSIDE THE STORE, Hillary has snuck in through the back, right by layaway and the restrooms.

Do NOT miss this article!

45 posted on 06/16/2003 9:57:40 AM PDT by Howlin
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To: Mo1
Hey Mo,
What a great article on our fellow FReepers giving grief to poor old Hill and her worshipers. FReepers are becoming a force.
46 posted on 06/16/2003 10:05:02 AM PDT by Cuttnhorse
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To: Howlin
Oh yeah, lovin' it! Got it by email on Saturday and just about died laughing!
47 posted on 06/16/2003 10:06:23 AM PDT by Mr. Silverback (Sorry, I forgot to put a tagline here.)
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To: Cuttnhorse
FReepers are becoming a force.

Yes indeed .. FReepers Rule!!

48 posted on 06/16/2003 10:08:16 AM PDT by Mo1 (I'm a monthly Donor .. You can be one too!)
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To: alwaysconservative
But Hillary greets everyone with a smile, as her eyes bulge big--so big that the whites attain 360-degree clearance around her irises.

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

49 posted on 06/16/2003 10:08:54 AM PDT by Carolina
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To: Howlin
INSIDE THE STORE, Hillary has snuck in through the back, right by layaway and the restrooms.

Real profile in courage there from a wannabe CinC.

CNN said in a report this morning that Simon & Shyster has made back the 8 mil advance it gave Hilliary. Is that remotely possible?

50 posted on 06/16/2003 10:09:11 AM PDT by mewzilla
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