Posted on 07/03/2003 10:49:24 AM PDT by johnqueuepublic
Russian Postcard - House Beautiful
By Vladimir Illyich Pulegzki
Everything about wife and marriage good before I leave Army and come to America.
Still good, I think. But I wonder, sometime I don't know.
Let me tell you.
We arrive, rent together in apartment in city. I work, she work. Have little because we come with nothing, only clothing and only little. Slowly, we get things, like everybody in America. Elena, she say, "Forget everything Russian. Let us be America Girl and American Boy." I think, Okay, Vladimir. But she did not forget Ivan the Terrible. You remember. First imperial Tsar of Russia.
Enough said.
One day, I come home. Ash tray is gone. I like to smoke pipe only sometimes. One day, two day per week, but ash tray is gone. Pipe is gone. Can't smoke at all. Elena say "Pipe is put away." I don't know why and I don't understand. Elena, she always say pipe smell is good.
More things I notice. Books I read also are not on table. Books gone. Magazines gone. Russian-English dictionary is gone. Elena say. "Dictionary is put away." But dictionary I use everyday, almost every hour, and almost every minute.
Instead of books, instead of dictionary, have odd plastic cube with inside plastic flower. Elena says is decorating. But who can like decorating what is dictator in disguise? Can not have out book, ashtray, useful thing to use everyday, but instead have stupid flower cube what is not only of no purpose, but very ugly, too?
Aachh! But I can say nothing!
So, I think I do not like decorating. Is stupid profession. Not like Martha Stewart, not like House Beautiful, not like Architecture Digest, which is stupid book of useless houses. I go to House Beautiful. In bathroom, cannot find light, cannot find towel to dry hands and face, and if find, cannot use. Like to find paper to wipe shputin. If there is problem, can always wipe shputin with beautiful house magazine from coffee table, heh? Please to give back dictionary, okay?
In Russia, decorating people would not survive. It is like this. Must have planty of space, some useless, don't-know-what-to-do-with space for to decorate. Cannot decorate bedroom which must also be parlor for to entertain guest.
Must use all space. Bed here, table here, lamp here. No place to hide things you use everyday to keep from guest eyes. Guest know you well. Must trust guest in house like family.
Decorating is façade. Not want people to know you at all, but only to know you as like make-up on woman. Make life attractive. Have ugly life, but have nice little formal room, therefore nice life, too. Life is okay. Life is beautiful because have house beautiful.
Only thing have is "coffee table book."
More about decorating.
Can have guillotine in bedroom.
Can have crucifixion in bedroom.
Can have restraining device and leather in bedroom.
Maybe can even have body parts in bedroom, be like maniac Jack Ripper Mister Hyde.
And still have plastic box with flower in living room.
So, you can talk to people you do not like about things that do not matter.
© 2003 Vladimir Illyich Pulegzki, all rights reserved.
I could hear it all in my head.
This is a hoot !
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