The most boring sporting event on Earth

The Sydney Morning Herald ^ | July 9 2003 | Edward Richards

[presidio9]

It's tough luck for Mark Philippoussis, but otherwise a great relief all around that it is over for another year. Wimbledon fortnight, that is - the most boring sporting event on Earth. Two weeks of wall-to-wall tedium, the only excitement coming when they pull the covers over when rain stops play.

What brings people to it? After all, unrelieved boredom does not exactly come cheap. A seat can cost you as much as $175, while souvenirs such as baseball caps (especially designed to be worn backwards) can cost $45. A towel could set you back about $70.

One reason for Wimbledon's popularity could be that British people lead such exciting lives, always zinging about - here, there and everywhere - that a good dose of tedium is just what the doctor ordered to slow them all down a bit.

Then again, it could be that they are more interested in having first-hand experience of such never ending tennis soap operas as At Home with the Dokics; or perhaps checking out whatever bizarre attire the Williams sisters have shoe-horned themselves into for the day's match.

There is one really entertaining thing about Wimbledon fortnight: the chance to eat strawberries and cream. It is simple, uncomplicated fare. A serving will cost you about $5 for 10 strawberries, so it is sort of reasonably priced.

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A bit of trivia: About 27,000 kilos of strawberries are scoffed during a Wimbledon fortnight. If we subtract two rest days, and assume that they sell strawberries for six hours on every play day, then punters are downing strawberries at the rate of about six kilograms a minute.

Meanwhile, back at Centre Court, we are forced to ask if anything can be done to make grand slam tennis interesting. Apparently not. But here are some suggestions for spicing it up a bit:

1. Use smaller racquets. Something about the size of a ping-pong bat should suffice, and each player only gets one per match. If it is broken, players must use their hand, or whatever else they can find.

2. Penalise players who serve aces.

3. Wash players' mouths out with soap and then send them home if they question any line call or the umpire's decision.

4. Make the nets higher - say, about three metres, and in the form of a hedge or a brick wall so that players don't know what's coming at them.

5. Have two balls in play at the same time for singles matches, and four for doubles matches to keep them all on their toes.

6. Or play two different singles matches at the same time, on the same court.

There may be another answer. The name of the club that runs the tournament is The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.

What if they just concentrated on the croquet? Two weeks of retired vicars playing knock-down, drag-out, winner-take-all croquet with strawberries and cream thrown in - now that would really get your pulse racing.

[wimpycat]

Oh....I thought this was about golf.

[Lee'sGhost]

"Where's John McEnroe when we really need him?"

I'll send you video of my kid when he was two -- same thing.

[Lee'sGhost]

Curling! Exactly what I was thinking. Now THAT's boring

[autoresponder]

things = thongs

( so sorry, not looking at keyboard at time )

[So Cal Rocket]

To tell the truth... I have absolutly no recollection of their concert (other than it sounded like they played the same song for 90 minutes).

HOWEVER... there were two saving graces to this concert:

1. The warm-up band was a new rockabilly group that had just formed, by the name of "The Stray Cats"

2. The after-concert festivities were... ummmm... fun!

[WhatHappenedtoAmerica]

This guy obviously has never watched golf.

[bourbon]

Q: Why do so many people around the world play soccer?
A: So they won't have to watch it.

[PJ-Comix]

Sure. That's why J'ai L'ai is the most popular spectator sport in the world, right?

Actually I live right in the heart of Jai Alai country and can tell you that while Jai Alai can SEEM boring, the MOMENT you bet some money on it, Jai Alai becomes the most exciting sport imaginable. I know since I will go into a frenzy after placing my Quinella bets. Try placing a bet on Jai Alai sometime and you will see how incredibly exciting it is.

[presidio9]

Actually a bar I go to in NY took bets on curling durning the olympics. Made it exciting as hell. That's not the point. Speed does not necessarily make a sport more or less exciting.

[presidio9]

Agreed. I thought tennis was interesting until I began to understand golf. If you have to ask, you don't understand.

[mupcat]

"Nothing boring about watching Andy on the courts ... nothing!"

Amen to that!

[autoresponder]

But they do have that "sweeping deal" they do to gain velocity and correct the direction......

Do they have "Curling Stone Bags" like bowling ball bags?

Is it the women's Scottish version of shotputting invented by a drunken wee housemaiden who could not toss a telephone pole?

Is there a NCA?

Is there a WNCA?

Can wee maidens play in the NCA without qualifying first?

How far can they curl?

Do they have to curl from the NCA line?

Why don't Olympic curlers wear plaid clan kilts?

Is it a fashion thing or just the absence of undies they wrote off for taxes?

Or is it an extreme cold water effect cubed?

Or does it just curl your hair?

Curling might be the inspiration for combining ice hockey, curling, and frozen lawn tennis.

Doubles only, high sticking will put you in the penalty box for one set where you can only throw empty Molson's bottles at the other team......

With an occasional bottle of single malt scotch, if you and the bottle are at least 1/4 scotch at the time......

How about throwing in that TV drinking & driving deal for all overtime and ties in tennis?

Maybe a smidgeon of strip poker too for extra points......

See!

Tennis does not have to be so boring!

(when libs play, is it at Wimpleton wearing violet velvet kneepads?)

[Lee'sGhost]

"6. Or play two different singles matches at the same time, on the same court."

You know, I really like that idea. I came up with a similar solution for the America Cup -- outfit the yachts with cannon. Now I would watch THAT!

[ASA Vet]

I don't know who or what "air supply" is/was, but I'll bet I can beat
you in the "lowering self for lust" department.

I actually went with a very sweet young thing to the local demoncRAT
headquarters where she was working the phones.
That would have been the 1964 election. I've washed everyday since,
but I'm not sure the odor is completely gone.

[1Old Pro]

Gross.

She has the body of Mike Tyson and I think her Dad got his brains.

[1Old Pro]

Where's John McEnroe when we really need him?

No kidding. I saw John beat Lendly at Stratton Vt. around 25 years ago (WOW). Now that was tennis.

[1Old Pro]

Tennis has no compelling stars right now.

And Pete Sampras never light anything up either. Ever since Mac retired it's been boring. I used to like watching women's tennis until The Williams sisters came along with their bad attitudes.

[autoresponder]

Went to the Dania Fronton several times to watch all those Jewish and Japanese jocks play......

They ought to have different weight classes, right up to Sumi Size and uniform and do that on ice with triple points for a successful triple jump as you swing your thing......

That little pill flies at NASCAR speeds......

Now there's a thought!

Tennis uniforms with the NASCAR uniform fashion statement; "DUPONT #24", "LOWES #19", "VIAGARA #69", "HILLARY #04", "SLICK #00"......

[Duramaximus]

Most boring sporting event event on Earth? I would say that Mr. Richards has never seen a Canadian Curling event.

[autoresponder]

Torpedoes

Run Silent

Run Deep

Use old Russkie surplus subs