...Really bad eggs...
Posted on 07/28/2003 4:24:03 PM PDT by PJ-Comix
Basing a movie on a Disneyland ride sounds like a dopey idea. It would have definitely been stupid if the ride in question was the one with all those kiddie puppets singing "It's A Small World After All." That is absolutely the WORST Disneyland ride ever conceived. I should know. I once visited Disneyland as part of a Democrat group tour back when Karenna was too young to annoy me every day about wanting to be a White House social butterfly.
I took Karenna to Disneyland figuring it would help my credentials as a family guy for a future White House run. Some of the rides, including Pirates of the Caribbean, were fun. Then we came to the "It's A Small World" nightmare. What happened was the ride was so damn boring that I fell asleep about a minute into it after hearing that incessant "It's A Small World" singing by the kiddie puppets:
It's a world of laughter, a world of tears,
It's a world of hopes and a world of fears;
There's so much that we share,
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all.
It's a small world after all,
It's a small world after all,
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world.
To you I feel I must confide,
I really HATE this boring ride!
So at the end of the ride what happens? Karenna jumps off the ride and leaves me snoring there for another kiddie puppet run. Since we had a Democrat pass to ride as much as we want, the teenybopper attendant left me on it as I woke up just in time to find out it was too late to get the hell off. The boring song once again put me out like a light.
When the ride ended the second time, I was snoring louder than Ted Kennedy in the midst of a drunken coma. Again through the ride and again I woke up too late to get off and again I passed out due to the ennui-inducing musical number. This routine repeated itself six or seven times . . . or was it eleven or twelve times? I don't remember since I slept through most of that Small World nightmare. Karenna was laughing her ass off at Daddy's predicament of being trapped on the Small World ride but the attendant finally displayed some mercy by waking me on time after a long while so I could escape that ride. He must have figured that his job would be at risk if Future President Al Gore starved to death because he never could wake up in time to get off the Small World.
As I said, I took Karenna to Disneyland on Democrat Day. Barney Frank was also there with his boyfriend, Steve Gobey. His boyfriend was in charge of dispensing Barney's congressional office franking privileges and word has it he did a lot of franking there. However, Barney was looking kind of glum that day. He probably would have brightened up if he knew that a few years later, Disney World in Orlando would have a yearly Gay Day.
Disney World Gay Day has grown into a really big event in the Gay world and attracts about 100,000 "alternative lifestyle" folks on that occasion. The big problem is what happens to other visitors to Disney World who are unaware that they have arrived on Gay Day.
Of course, as a liberal Democrat, I am fully supportive of Gay Day at Disney World. Recently, Senator Russell Feingold even attacked a vicious right-wing judicial nominee for canceling out on taking his kids to Disney World when he found out he would be visiting there on Gay Day. As a fellow liberal, I applaud Senator Feingold for using that incident to attack the bigoted nominee. However, I wonder just how comfortable Feingold would be if he visited Disney World with his son on Gay Day. The father-son conversation would probably go like this:
"Father, why is this day different from all other days?"
"This day is different, son, because it is Gay Day. I brought you here not only to enjoy the rides but also to learn to appreciate and tolerate alternative lifestyles."
"So why are there so many guys wearing small metal hoops on their chests?"
"Uh, those are actually nipple rings, son. However, please remember not to be judgmental."
"And why are those guys over there wearing shiny little pants?"
"Um . . . they're wearing leather jockstraps son. Let's not condemn them for their incredibly kinky preferences."
"Why are so many people sticking their tongues out at each other?"
"It's just their way of showing affection, son. Remember to keep your mind open and non- condemnatory."
"Is it also a form of affection for them to lick each other's tummies like those guys over there?"
"Never mind, son. Let's just take a bathroom break and go on some rides."
"Okay, Dad . . . Why are those guys riding each other bareback over by the toilet stalls?
"Son, I think it is time we leave Disney World and go home."
"And is that a corn dog that other guy on his knees is munching on?"
"Let's leave . . . NOW!!!"
Yeah, in theory Gay Day sounds like a good idea but even folks as liberal as Senator Feingold and me would be very uncomfortable taking our kids to Disney World on that day. Perhaps, in order to save people embarrassment, there should be flashing street signs on all roads leading to Disney World letting everybody know that "TODAY IS GAY DAY!"
And if people are still too clueless to figure out the implications of this, Disney World should be surrounded by loudspeakers blasting out the following message:
"TODAY IS GAY DAY! DISNEY WORLD WILL BE FLOODED BY 100,000 GOD-FORSAKEN SODOMITES COMMITTING UNNATURAL ACTS! PLEASE BE WARNED THAT YOU WILL BE BRINGING YOUR CHILDREN HERE AT YOUR OWN RISK! YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS FROM THEM ABOUT WHAT THEY WILL SEE HERE. THEY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO SHOCKING MENTAL IMAGES THAT WILL HAUNT THEM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES . . . HAVE A NICE DAY AND ENJOY YOUR VISIT TO DISNEY WORLD."
Yeah, so we liberals will continue to denounce Republicans as bigots for avoiding Disney World on Gay Day but that doesn't mean we will take our own children there on that day. SHUDDER!
Speaking of gay, Johnny Depp played the part of pirate, Jack Sparrow as more swishbuckler than swashbuckler in Pirates of the Caribbean (the movie, not the ride). And what was with that black eyeliner he was wearing? His makeup was almost as thick as my orange rouge was back during my first debate with W in the 2000 campaign. Oddly enough, Depp did a memorable job in the role. Perhaps all that swishing around was more due to being high on rum than to an alternative lifestyle. However, in Depp's case, he could just as easily have been high on La Cocaina as Demon Rum. Another good thing about Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean was that he played his role for laughs rather than being his usual self-absorbed moody self.
Most of the rest of the cast, with the exception of Geoffrey Rush as Captain Barbossa, paled in comparison to Depp's stand-out performance. However, the main problem with the movie was that despite the interesting character of Jack Sparrow, the plot was ridiculous. But what can you expect from pirate movies? Certainly not anything resembling reality. In real life, pirates were murdering thugs with not a bit of nobility about them. Also, any women they captured were subject to mass rape. In pirate movies, women always somehow manage to conveniently escape this fate and Pirates of the Caribbean was certainly no exception.
The hot looking Keira Knightly as the aristocratic Elizabeth Swann gets captured by the incredibly evil pirates of the infamous Black Pearl ship. So what happens? Nothing because those pirates have been doomed to being the living dead and are unable to enjoy the pleasures of life . . . such as shtooping Miss Swann. The captain of the Black Pearl, Barbossa, explains it all to Miss Swann as having something to do with the curse of Cortez's gold. In any case the bottom line was that the pirates could only get to bang that hot chick when the last gold medallion was returned to the rest of the Cortez treasure. Otherwise, this movie would have been X-Rated from the get-go which would have cost it buku bucks at the box office since its target audience is teenyboppers and kids.
After this explanation about being among the dead, the movie pretty much lost its excitement for me. After all, where was the suspense of the pirates attacking the good guys when you knew the pirates couldn't be killed? I felt like jumping in front of the movie screen and yelling at the folks fighting the pirates to just give up since no matter what they did, the pirates couldn't be killed. All that fighting was just pointless.
So, despite an inspired performance by Johnny Depp as the colorful Jack Sparrow, the dopey premise of Pirates of the Caribbean left me cold. Not only that, I became enraged when I saw a flat out ripoff of a much better pirate movie, The Crimson Pirate. It was the scene where Jack Sparrow and Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) walk along the bottom of a bay in an overturned rowboat which acts as a submarine by holding an air pocket. That is EXACTLY what happened in The Crimson Pirate. Justice demands that the producer of The Crimson Pirate receive a royalty payment every time that scene is shown in Pirates of the Caribbean. That ripoff scene alone caused me to dock Pirates of the Caribbean one whole chad on my Chad Rating Scale. However, because the director of Pirates of the Caribbean is named GORE Verbinski, I am restoring that chad I just deducted to give Pirates of the Caribbean a grand total of six chads out of a possible ten.
This is the NEW Al Gore keepin' it real with this review and willing to give any movie with a screenplay written by GORE Vidal an extra chad just for having that magic name.
...Really bad eggs...
FReepers are the best typists in the world....
Obviously a clever allusion to "The Crimson Pirate."
Better than Seabiscuit? BTW, a documentary about the REAL Seabiscuit is on PBS tonight.
It's SUPER!
You, PJ, are an evil man. You have summoned up terrors that you know not of. I may sue you for emotional distress.
I once was on a commercial shoot for D-land. I had to ride the Small World ride SEVENTEEN FRICKIN' TIMES in a ROW!!!
And people wonder why I don't believe in buying the World a Coke and teaching it to sing. Bomb the little singing children. Bomb them now, before it's too late.
I guess the writer missed the Disney movie The Country Bears.
-PJ
You must have that "Small World" song hardwired into your brain.
I stand as proof that you don't need to do drugs to have acid flashbacks.
Guess we can blame Howard Pyle for starting the whole thing. Although HIS pirates look pretty villainous . . .
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