[Satire] Report: All That Really Matters Is Having A Good Heart

Eye of the Tiber ^ | 11/21/2013

[markomalley]

Portland, OR (EoTT) A new study released today by millions of Catholics and non-Catholics from across the globe shows that having a good heart is more pleasing to God than following the teachings of the Church.

“I’m so happy to say that after close to 2,000 years of dogmatism, we have successfully proven that the way into God’s heart, and ultimately into Heaven, is not by going to church or confessions, but by being nice,” said Hugh Benson, the 48-year-old lapsed Catholic who spearheaded the study.

“It’s not to say that Catholics that go to Mass cannot go to heaven, but it’s that church-goers do tend to become intolerant and consequently, mean. The study proves that it’s perhaps easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is devout to enter the Kingdom of God…or Allah, or Buddah, or Mother Earth."

Benson added that, along with being nice, the study also showed that smiling and never criticizing is “truly the essence of being a Doctor of the Church, here on earth.”

“It all comes down to Karma. Jesus did many good things, and yet he died. How does that fit in with Karma? Who knows, perhaps it was because he lost his temper and overturned the tables of the money changers. Perhaps he hurt a couple doves in the process. That’s not nice.”

[markomalley]

ping

(you've been warned)

[Pollster1]

Strange, so many Christians believe that God was honest enough to tell us exactly how to live our lives when He gave us the Bible. Who would have guessed that the Bible was just entertaining literature, and the real key was “being nice”. Who would have guessed that Jesus would tell a sinner to “sin no more” instead of being nice and complimenting her hair, or that he would overturn the moneychanger tables instead of telling businessmen in the Temple court to “have a nice day”, that it mean just be nice and not that we should also follow God’s Word?

[Attention Surplus Disorder]

Ain’t gonna help you with your daily quota out in the rice fields. But if it keeps you going, then booyah!

[vbmoneyspender]

the study also showed that smiling and never criticizing is “truly the essence of being a Doctor of the Church, here on earth.”

Pol Pot agrees (look at that killer smile).

[Cyman]

If you substitute Democrat for almost every mention of Catholic we see that a roamin’ Catholic believes like Democrats that good intentions are all that matter.

He would have written a longer article but he goes south for the winter and was busy putting up a sign for the birds he has been feeding that tell them they are on their own for the next 5 months.

[vbmoneyspender]

In David P. Chandler's excellent biography, ''Brother Number One'' (1992), there is an eerie photograph of Pol Pot applauding and smiling in a crowd. What do we know about him, except that he smiles? Oh, that smile of his! Short quotes his henchman, Ieng Sary: ''His face was always smooth. . . . Many people misunderstood that -- he would smile his unruffled smile, and then they would be taken away and executed.

[bigheadfred]

Report: All That Really Matters Is Having A Good Heart

"THANK GOD!!!"

whew i was worried there for a minute

[Gamecock]

Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.

Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It’s not your style;
You’ll look so good that you’ll be glad
Ya’ decide to smile!

Pick out a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin;
Wipe off that “full of doubt” look,
Slap on a happy grin!

And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just put on a happy face!
Put on a happy face
Put on a happy face

And if you’re feeling cross and bitterish
Don’t sit and whine
Think of banana split and licorice
And you’ll feel fine

I knew a girl so gloomy
She’d never laugh or sing
She wouldn’t listen to me
Now she’s a mean old thing

So spread sunshine all over the place
And put on a happy, happy face
Put on a happy, happy, happy face
Oh, come on bubby, smile its your birthday

[The Mayor]

Thank God this is satire because there is just so much wrong with this. I was ready to write an essay.

[markomalley]

Thank God this is satire because there is just so much wrong with this. I was ready to write an essay.

It's a pretty scary world when it is virtually impossible to distinguish between satire and reality.

[The Mayor]

I know, everything is believable today. Things that would have been brushed off just a few years ago. We are living in an upside down world and it sucks.

[loungitude]

Your essay would be welcomed and appreciated, I am sure, despite the goofy nature of the content of the original post.

[Excellence]

Are you stealing John Semmens satire pieces?

[HarleyD]

Good satire. Sadly too much truth.