USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Christmas Humor ~ December 10 2002

http://www.dezert-rose.com/humor/christmas/ ^ | 68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub and FRiends of the Canteen

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

Christmas Humor

1. 12 Days of Christmas Correspondence
2. A Cat's Favorite Christmas Carols
3. A Dog's Rules For Christmas
4. A Holiday Shopping Guide
5. A Kitten's 12 Days of Christmas Mischief
6. A Trip to the Dentist
7. All I Need To Know I Learned From Santa
8. Carols For the Psychiatrically Challenged
9. Christmas Carols
10. Christmas Physics
11. Christmas Riddles
12. Differences Between Republicans and Democrats...
13. Frequenty Asked Questions About Christmas
14. Fruitcake Recipe
15. Fruitcake Recipe #2
16. Geneologist's Christmas Wish
17. Helpful Holiday Diet Tips
18. How Angels Came To Be Atop The Tree
19. How To Tell If You Are A Grinch
20. Is Santa A Woman?
21. Is There A Santa Claus?
22. Is There A Santa Claus? (A College Paper)
23. Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning List
24. Name That Christmas Carol (Quiz)
25. Praying For Gifts
26. Santa Stats
27. Santa's Medical Chart
28. Santa's Replacement: Bubba Claus
29. Signs of Christmas
30. Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins
31. Southern Wise Men
32. The Christmas Parrot
33. Top Ten Uses For Fruitcake
34. Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners
35. Wrapping Presents With A Puppy
36. Yes, Virginia, Explorer is part of the OS

Frequenty Asked Questions About Christmas

Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.

Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery
surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't
have an airbag, either).

Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is
seen in the eyes.

Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live
Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.

Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the
recipients.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit,
but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the
pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.

Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything.

Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger
on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone
on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by
several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)

Q: Does Santa really live at the North Pole?
A:
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.

Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may
hear then what words can't say.

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

"This is from me to those that have not written yet, please write, use it,
tell about your family, your hobbies, how the weather is, what are you planning for the holidays.
Tell a funny thing that happened, send a joke anything. Tell about your pets and kids.
We miss home and it means a lot to hear from everyone."

From a US Marine's e-mail

The USO Canteen Post Office

E-Mail Our Military Links

To enter, Click on the Post Office Please stop in the USO Canteen Post Office Daily to E-Mail our Troops.

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

Please stop in and say hi to our military lurkers.
Post your holiday graphics, jokes, prayers, stories, music, links etc.

Will you take some time to put a smile on a military lurkers face today?



Thank You All for your support of the military, their families and veterans.

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

Thank You to our FReeper military wives.
God Bless you and your families.

[tomkow6]

Good morning, Tonk! Good morning, EVERBODY!

Good Morning, TROOPS!

[SouthernHawk]

Good Morning to you Tonk, and to all our military lurkers.

I pray for protection and comfort for the members of our military and for their families at home.

Have a Great Day!

[tomkow6]

Today's FEEBLE attempt at humor:

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come
across a stable. The three of them decide to duck
inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his
head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell
of a lot better than Clyde!"

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

Good Morning Brothers!

[Soaring Feather]

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

From the men in the Military and the Canteen

[glock rocks]

a dude on horseback happens across two old hunters who are struggling to drag
their deer back to camp.

the dude says "hey, boys. when you drag a deer by the rear legs like that,
the antlers get stuck in the brush, the fur drags backwards in the snow,
and the butt acts like a snowplow."
he went on "why don't you each grab one side of his antlers and drag him forward?
then, his antlers won't catch the scrub, his fur will slide like a sled, and
his butt won't drag like a snowplow."

the two old boys thanked the dude, each took an antler, and away they dragged the deer.

after a good while, one old boy looked to the other "he was right, this is a lot easier!"

the other old boy agreed "yup, it is, but we're getting further and further from camp."

[tomkow6]

Republicans and Democrats at Christmas Time


How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson


And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how
they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays.


Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to
the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to
panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.

When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night tv.

Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Democrats give their children gifts that make a political
statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of
their hair.

Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to
shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work
decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to
enjoy the scenery.

Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".

Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they\
buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts....and
reposition them them to make sure they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the
festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
Christmas Cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from
doing it again.

Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer."
Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White Christmas."
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".

Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the
week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democratic men like to watch football while their wives,
girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians".
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they
stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing
in Santa Claus...

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

Todays transportation for you and the Girlz.

[carlo3b]

Cajun 12 Days of Christmas

 
Day 1

Dear Boudreaux,
Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las'night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Marie

Day 2

Dear Boudreaux,
You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
Marie

Day 3

Dear Boudreaux,
Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Marie

Day 4

Dear Boudreaux,
Mon Dieux! I tol you no more xxxxx birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Marie

Day 5

Dear Boudreaux,
You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Marie

Day 6

Dear Boudreaux,
Couchon! Back to da birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
Marie

Day 7

Dear Boudreaux,
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Marie

Day 8

Dear Boudreaux,
Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night.
Marie

Day 9

Dear Boudreaux,
What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
Marie

Day 10

Dear Boudreaux,
You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin'.
Marie

Day 11

Dear Boudreaux,
Where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he having a good time, yeah, dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.
Marie

Day 12

Dear Boudreaux,
I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million nex year.
Marie

[glock rocks]

[Soaring Feather]

Troops and Canteen Men thank you for the flowers, the colors are great in the Canteen Hall.

Welcome All.

[firewalk]

Good morning

[Valin]

ENOUGH of war, peace, high taxes, sadam, ol has bin!
Now for the REALLY IMPORTANT news of the day.

Bra design still challenges engineers
Shelly Emling
Cox News Service

Published Dec. 10, 2002

During filming of 1943's "The Outlaw," producer Howard Hughes was so eager to enhance Jane Russell's famous 38-inch bust that he assembled a team of aeronautical engineers to design a special bra for his voluptuous star.
Sixty years later, bras still pose an engineering challenge as complex as designing a tall tower.
In the interest of providing that perfect lift, bras have come in a multitude of styles: conical, inflatable, gel-packed, with plunging backs, and with easy-to-detach straps.

In recent months, the United States has awarded patents covering all sorts of newfangled undergarments, including a new underwire bra, inflatable bra, a bra with a flick-of-the-wrist release, a multilayered bra to provide better ventilation, a bra that can be removed without taking off your blouse, and even an electromagnetic bra designed to give life to sagging breasts.

Patents are pending for dozens of other bras, including one with detachable straps made to match different articles of clothing.
"Women's bodies are all shaped differently, so women are always looking for different kinds of bras," said Jane Farrell-Beck, a professor of textiles and clothing at Iowa State University who is the co-author of the recently published book "Uplift: The Bra in America."
"The need for novelty is only growing bigger as women seek more individualized attention," said Farrell-Beck, who recently delivered a scholarly paper on the brassiere at the annual conference of the Society for the History of Technology in Toronto.

Hands free

Leading Lady, a specialty lingerie company in Beachwood, Ohio, this fall began marketing a Hands Free Breast Pump Bra with a built-in panel that supports the breast shield of most pumps. The result? Women can express their milk without using their hands.
"Normally, a woman would have to hold the pump to her breast and she wouldn't be able to work on the computer or whatever she wants to do. Now she can have her hands free," said Erica Renner, a company spokeswoman.

The company also has developed a new bra designed for those with limited dexterity. The front-closure bra has such big loops that it can be put on with one hand.
And in February the company is rolling out a bra with a tiny pocket hidden in the inner lining.
"The pocket is a perfect place to stick money or your keys," Renner said.

Another company, S&S Industries, recently received a patent for a new kind of underwire that's not supposed to poke through fabric even after the bra has been repeatedly washed.
The company's president, Joseph Horta, calls the product "revolutionary."
"It's an underwire with a miniature spring that allows soft plastic tips at the ends of the underwire to basically move up and down like a shock absorber on a car," he said.
Horta said the product should be on the market within a year.
"We're always on the lookout for ways to make women feel more comfortable," he said.

Seeking comfort

Indeed it was comfort that inspired the first bra more than a century ago.
According to Farrell-Beck, an inventor named Luman Chapman patented the first "breast supporter" in 1863. The product made a huge splash, because -- unlike the corset -- its straps let a woman's shoulders support the weight of the breasts.

Through the years, bras have taken many forms. They resembled something akin to torpedos in the 1940s, were burned in the 1960s and 1970s to indicate sexual freedom, and returned to favor again in the 1980s as the most intimate of fashion statements.
Although the first patent was obtained by a man, women have been instrumental in the design and development of the bra. Between 1863 and 1969, when women were rarely involved in business, nearly half of 1,225 patents for bras went to women.
Farrell-Beck said no one's sure what the Next Big Thing will be to help make cleavage-seeking women look just right.
The frenzied hype over the Wonderbra in the early 1990s was replaced by that over Ultimo's gravity-defying gel-filled bras.
Julia Roberts used a gel bra to enhance her breasts in the film "Erin Brockovich."
Captivating women more recently have been bras that can be inflated with an air pump like a bicycle tire.
Certainly cleavage continues to count for something, because cleavage costs.

Push-up bras from Victoria's Secret, for example, sell for $40 or more. The lingerie company offers demi-bras, seamless bras, "racerback" bras and bras studded with jewels.
"It's not like years ago when women went without bras," Farrell-Beck said. "Women like to wear bras and want to look good in them."

© Copyright 2002 Star Tribune. All rights reserved.

[KKing]

Please update my mailing info from yesterday...

I just spoke with the CFLCC Chaplain and he said it would be best to send 'care packages' to him:

The Chaplain
CFLCC - HQ
APO AE 09304

The Chaplain is a great guy and will make sure all goodies are equally spread out to the troops.

I am not a soldier, but I work day in and day out with the US Army soldiers as well as Marines, Airman, and Sailors. They absolutely love any homebaked goods, candies, books, etc. Please note that all APO mail is screened and any liquids (they are looking for alcohol which is a big no no and will) only delay the parcel from coming through. Magazines will also get screened.

Thanks

[Valin]

Democratic men like to watch football while their wives,
girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.


Genetics trumps politics. :-)

[tomkow6]

Does anybody know what nationality Santa Claus is?

He's NORTH POLEish!