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You Know You're in San Francisco When...
SF GATE (San Francisco Chronicle) ^ | 11/24/03 | Adam Sparks

Posted on 11/23/2003 9:06:20 AM PST by sfwarrior

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2003/11/24/asparks.DTL

(Excerpt) Read more at sfgate.com ...


TOPICS: Crime/Corruption; Culture/Society; Government; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons; Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: nutcase; ridiculous; sanfrancisco; wacky; wierdos
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1 posted on 11/23/2003 9:06:21 AM PST by sfwarrior
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To: sfwarrior
Hard to believe this is one of them:

You're an unemployed dot-com refugee and college dropout with no job prospects, and you think it's the president who is stupid.

2 posted on 11/23/2003 9:11:16 AM PST by Lx (Wanted badly, PIX software version 5.1 or a 16mb flash card for a 520. Can you say desperate?)
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To: sfwarrior
"When the taxi cabs have condom dispensors"
3 posted on 11/23/2003 9:13:57 AM PST by Semper Paratus
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To: sfwarrior
Is there a reason the article isn't posted here? I really don't want to click on the link and drive traffic to the Chron.
4 posted on 11/23/2003 9:16:03 AM PST by Drango (A liberal's compassion is limited only by the size of someone else's wallet.)
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To: Lx
You Know You're in San Francisco When . . .

You're a woman searching for Mr. Right in the personals, and you have to sort through "S&M," "BDSM," "AC/DC" and any other number of alphabet combos.

You're a guy looking for Ms. Right in the personals, and you have to sort through cross-dressing, transgendered, questioning, pre-op or post-op former gentlemen.

You're not angry because Al Gore's not the president; you're angry because you think Ralph Nader should have won.

Your kids find not only old toys in playground sandboxes but also used needles and condoms.

You see bathrooms labeled "His," "Hers" and "Others."

You celebrate Father's Day by laying a wreath for an unknown donor at the local biotech lab.

You're an unemployed dot-com refugee and college dropout with no job prospects, and you think it's the president who is stupid.

The homeless are offered conveniently located outdoor urinals (also known as door entryways), soup, medicinal pot, spare change and acoustic entertainment.


You're watching a TV program called "Queer Eyes for the Homeless Guys" and you see a cadre of metrosexuals donating facials and new color-coordinated begging signs with matching ensembles to a group of homeless men.


The bizarre mating rituals of the wildlife found in the bushes of our parks won't soon be seen on the Discovery Channel, as they're often of the kinky human variety.

Huge traffic jams are caused not by vegetable-oil-powered cars but by thousands of bicyclists intentionally messing up traffic just to irritate the Neanderthal motorists.

There is an extreme housing shortage, but the political establishment responds by not allowing builders to build.

You're surrounded by water on three sides, but you've still never been in it or out on it.

You see bumper stickers that proclaim, "I have a dog, and I
vote," signifying the City's dog-park wars. Here, it's OK for Rover to poop on the Little League field's first base, pee on second and dig up the pitching mound because, after all, dogs are people, too.

The district attorney loves to release criminals but is hot to arrest and prosecute the police chief and the top police brass.

Tricycle races are not just for toddlers but also for the grown-ups at the gay community's annual bar-hopping tricycle race.

Casual Friday has been replaced by Clothing-Optional Friday, and nudity is encouraged each year when roughly 50,000 runners, costumed thrill seekers, beer guzzlers and streakers hit the streets for the annual Bay to Breakers race.

Your family is making more than $125,000 a year, but you can't find a decent apartment, and you can't afford a house.

Your contractor is gay, but your hairdresser is straight.
The only flags being waved by marchers at parades have rainbows on them.

Married politicians can ask their fund-raisers to provide both cash and a new baby and not raise an eyebrow.

A parade for Cinco de Mayo, Mexico's national holiday, gets a bigger turnout than the one for Veteran's Day.

You get on the bus and you're surprised to actually hear a conversation in English.

The city government, with a budget of $5 billion -- larger than nearly 40 out of 50 states -- can't balance its checkbook and still complains that the taxes for corporations and the rich aren't high enough.

You actually find a parking spot, and you're so excited that you immediately sell your car.

The name of your child's second-grade teacher is Flipper, and he has more nose rings and bloody body piercings than a bull in Tijuana after the bullfight.

The only Republicans you know are President Bush and your deer-hunting uncle in Minnesota, and you hate 'em both.
Pot is legal, and tobacco is illegal.

You tell your daughter sex before marriage is OK, as long as she and her partner don't use your recreational drugs, your boyfriend, your priest or your bed.

You can't decide what to major in at college: astral projections, witchcraft, channeling or hating Republicans.
Every time there's an earthquake, you're under a table praying that the metropolis will finally get to break away from the mainland.

Each morning, while drinking a latte at Starbucks, you review a complete list of companies you need to boycott.
You think the Left is right and the Right is wrong.

You lament the negative impact of those awful big-box stores on local mom-and-pop hardware stores while you're complaining to the cashier at Home Depot.

You think illegal aliens have the right to work, but employers who hire the aliens should be arrested.

You think your mother should get a life and grow up, but you still refuse to move out of her house.

You think cop killers should go free and cops should be arrested.

You think "Alice in Wonderland" should be in the nonfiction section of the bookstore.

You enjoy books about the struggles of smaller, independent bookstores that are systematically being taken over by huge corporations -- and you buy them at Barnes and Noble.

You think big corporations and their tax shelters are harming America but your own under-the-table cash business isn't.

You won't cross a picket line, and you proudly display your "Buy Union" bumper sticker on your imported car.

You're not snobbish -- you just happen to honestly think it's only San Franciscans who know anything about politics, literature, love, food, fashion, culture and art, except for that high-brow director Michael Moore, of "Roger and Me" fame, who hails from Flint, Mich.

You think that the rest of America is replete with a bunch of screwed-up hillbillies, factory workers, farmers, hunters and veterans -- and that their only redeeming quality is that they pay taxes for the many social programs you, an unemployed artist, can enjoy.

Why, then, regardless of all these eccentricities, would a conservative columnist live in this town? Perhaps he wants to be the burr under the city's self-righteous, delusional and hypocritical saddle. Or perhaps he likes the excitement of working stealthily behind enemy lines as an embedded reporter. Or just maybe he's as nutty as the rest of 'em.

Adam Sparks is a San Francisco writer. He can be reached at adamstyle@aol.com.

5 posted on 11/23/2003 9:16:07 AM PST by Pikamax
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To: sfwarrior


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6 posted on 11/23/2003 9:16:11 AM PST by autoresponder (<html><center><img src="http://0access.web1000.com/Dean-sfx" width="450"></center></html>)
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To: sfwarrior
Your contractor is gay and your hairdresser is straight

I used their e-mail function to send the column to a couple friends; thanks for posting
7 posted on 11/23/2003 9:20:55 AM PST by VOA
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To: sfwarrior
"The only flags being waved by marchers at parades have rainbows on them."

They're everywhere in SF.


"You can't decide what to major in at college: astral projections, witchcraft, channeling or hating Republicans. "

This is completely accurate. Samples of books I was assigned to read at SF Stateback in '89-'90:
Evolution as a Religion
Aquarian Conspriacy
Humanist Manifesto
Communist Manifesto
Varioius gay/lesbian literature

8 posted on 11/23/2003 9:27:36 AM PST by Gal.5:1
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To: sfwarrior
"Where men totally ignore a beautiful woman and women totally ignore a gorgeous hunk!"
9 posted on 11/23/2003 9:41:39 AM PST by lilylangtree
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To: lilylangtree
...when you're at a bar, its a pick up line when someone asks you if they could push in your stool
10 posted on 11/23/2003 9:58:52 AM PST by Go Gordon
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To: Go Gordon
You mean, where the men are men and only they know it!
11 posted on 11/23/2003 10:36:38 AM PST by BushCountry (To the last, I will grapple with Democrats. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at Liberals.)
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To: BushCountry
The homeless are offered conveniently located outdoor urinals (also known as door entryways), soup, medicinal pot, spare change and acoustic entertainment.

They left out the $400 per month the bums get in welfare assistance

12 posted on 11/23/2003 10:39:57 AM PST by petercooper (Proud VRWC Neanderthal)
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To: Go Gordon
When your at Fisherman's Wharf and you see your HIV positive waiter spitting in the crab louis.
When your on Market Street and your feet stick to the pavement and you find it isn't bubble gum.
When your at San Francisco State and you search in vain for someone who has something decent to say about Israel.
When your in Golden Gate Park and can't find a heterosexual.
etc.
13 posted on 11/23/2003 11:59:28 AM PST by gaspar
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To: sfwarrior
Well, it's been thirty-five years but the sourdough crab sandwiches at Fisherman's Wharf were memorable and I still have fond memories of DeNobili San Francisco Dry Salami. If you are what you eat, SF can't be all bad.
14 posted on 11/23/2003 12:17:18 PM PST by Grut
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To: Grut
"If you are what you eat, SF can't be all bad.

Perhaps you haven't noticed exactly what many in San Francisco have been "eating" lately.....

Semper Fi

15 posted on 11/23/2003 12:36:27 PM PST by river rat
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To: sfwarrior
Sounds too true to be toooo funny.
16 posted on 11/23/2003 1:13:06 PM PST by Quix (WORK NOW to defeat one personal network friend, relative, associate's liberal idiocy now, warmly)
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To: gaspar
So glad I left the San Francisco Bay Area for Georgia last month. MAJOR positive culture shock.
17 posted on 11/23/2003 5:15:42 PM PST by ted1003
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To: sfwarrior
The fans take a steroid using outfielder as the best hitter of all time.
18 posted on 11/23/2003 5:25:05 PM PST by AlGone2001 (If liberals must lie to advance their agenda, why is liberalism good for me?)
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To: concordKIWI
ping
19 posted on 11/23/2003 5:29:29 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: sfwarrior
You Know You're in San Francisco When...

The preferred dining booths at restaurants are the bathroom stalls.

20 posted on 11/23/2003 5:34:28 PM PST by F16Fighter
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