If that isn't a "Nicky Newark" joke I've never heard one.
Excellent! ;)
Posted on 06/12/2006 9:27:43 AM PDT by aculeus
Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.
Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.
Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.
The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'
"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."
The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:
Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.
Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so.
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: All right. Just a minute.
Sound of two gun shots.
Bentine: He's dead.
Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".
Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."
He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."
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>>>A humorless liberal would reply to this joke:
"So, you thing shooting people is funny? Shooting a FRIEND is funny? How could shooting a seriously hurt, defenseless friend of yours possibly be funny to you"<<<
To get the liberals to laugh the first sentence should read, "Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them, a Christian conservative, collapses."
HAH. I can't tell jokes very well either. I get tongue-tied or stop because I have to laugh before the joke is finished.
"Well," replies the shopkeeper, "this parrot has a very vulgar vocabulary. He used to live at the brothel that was just shut down."
The woman decides she wants the parrot anyway, so she arranges to have it delivered to her home the next day.
The parrot arrives, looks around the living room, looks at the woman, and says "New house, new madam!" The woman is at first offended, but then, considering the parrot's background, she laughs it off.
The woman's two teenage daughters walk into the living room. The parrot looks at them, and says "New house, new madam, new girls!" Again, with due consideration to the parrot's background, the woman and her daughters laugh it off.
The woman's husband, Alex, arrives home from work, and walks into the living room. The parrot looks at him, and says "Hi, Alex!"
Jake was dying. His wife, Joanie, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Joanie," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. . . don't talk."
In his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Joanie. "Everything's all right, just go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Joanie. I...I cheated on you!"
"I know," Joanie whispered as she softly stroked his forehead. "Shhhh. . just let the poison work. . . . ."
Four Nuns have a nasty car wreck and arrive at St. Peter's gate:
St. Peter to first Nun: You must confess your sins before entering.
First Nun: I touched a man in lust once.
St. Peter: Dip that finger in the holly water and proceed on.
Second Nun: I fondled a man once.
St. Peter: Dip that hand in the holly water and proceed.
Fourth Nun: Excuse me St. Peter, may I gargle in that water before Sister Mary sits in it?
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.
"There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
"Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Run thru Babelfish:
Those is one Kinnerhunder and two Mackel over and is please beautifully the miracle house speak they. ' no ' speak the gentlemen ' is more borger aufern with zveitingen '
WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra! !" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."
In the Studebaker Mabel's mouth drops and she turns, stunned, and says to the driver: "Goodness sakes, Maude! Did you see the size of the schlong on that bug?"
If that isn't a "Nicky Newark" joke I've never heard one.
Excellent! ;)
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact. "The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen
their attack on the blaze.
After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical
company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire
company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed
everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a
performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved
the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the
reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking. "What are you going to do with
all that money?""
Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that damn
truck".
LOL!
What is holly water?
My favorite Goon line - "Stand on my shoulders and pull me up..."
Try this:
When I die I want to go like my father, without fear, without worry, sleeping peacefully.
I don't want to die fearful, terrified and screaming like the other 3 guys in the care he was driving.
I think it came second in the research the chap did.
It reminded me of this one-
"When I die, I want to go just like my Grandfather,- in my sleep. Not like the screaming passengers in the car he was driving."
Actually a news crew stopped me on the street to ask me "about the world's funniest joke". I passed on being interviewed precisely because, them being MSM, I figured there was a high chance they'd ask about how awful it was that people though violence & death & hunting & guns was so funny.
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