How to be a good anti-American

Brothers!!! in these oppressive times where american democracy, movies and evil consumer goods threaten to crush us all, or brainwash us into becoming consumerist sheep, it behoves us all to maintain our intellectual righteousness. So I've prepared this little guide to help you sharpen up your anti-american rage.

A little sophistry can go a long way in blaming the USA for everything. Lots of vague, emotive mumbling about global capitalism, McDonalds, Nike and whatnot should get the juices pumping. It needn't have any relevance to the subject at hand, it merely useful as a device to set the scene: the Americans are out there conducting naughty, evil free trade. This creates victims, who (of course) must strike back!! You may then take great joy in whatever atrocity they conduct, but be sure to couch it in sober droning about the need for America to "understand" why people hate them so much. Hey, it works for Jose Bove. This gibbering nutcase brave soul who wrecked a McDonalds to protest against...uh...well, we'll ask him later.

A tried-and-true tactic is the fabulous "either/or" method: whenever trouble develops in the world, you can immediately begin squealing at the Americans for not doing anything about it, about being isolationists, selfish capitalist pigs and whatnot.

If the americans do act, you can howl outrage about warmongering, American cultural imperialism, oppression of the third world, and suchlike.

Somalia and Bosnia were wonderful examples of this. With the European Union and other governments too stupid, impotent or disinterested to solve either situation, the Americans were called in to do the dirty work. Naturally, they rightfully got the blame for every mistake that got made.

Never mind the fact that they were the only ones with the balls and the muscle to actually doing anything. As good anti-americans, we have the privilege of pontificating with all the arrogance of folks who have never had to stand up for anything and believe we'd all have been better off if the nice Soviets had been running things

This is your big stick of Legitimacy. This fine body is here to serve as a brake on those wild, stupid, warmongering Americans. It shall be held up as an enlightened, sober group of liberal intellectuals who serve freedom, human rights and the brotherhood of man.

UN doctrine and policy will almost always run contrary to that of the USA. As the UN are the enlightened, clever, level-headed ones. You can use this as your whacking stick.

Of course, some might protest that the UN is at best a useless, cowardly bureaucratic monolith and at worst a dangerous, obstructionist propaganda mouthpiece for every scumbag and tyrant on the planet, and that friendly mass-murderer Colonel Ghaddafi has been appointed head of their human rights body. But you can ignore them. This is the United Nations after all, and they are the good guys. They will look after the world and protect us against these rampaging american scum.

Americans - as we all know - are stupid, warmongering rednecks, who lack the refinement, artistic sense and sophistication of Europeans and the like.

It pays not to think about this one too much though, or mention it in any specific way. Just keep it in mind to maintain your smug superiority.

Be careful not to think about how the Americans - as a whole - make better movies, TV and music than anyone else, and that the rest of the world thinks European movies are a great cure for insomnia and would rather watch American ones. If someone should mention such things, just try to change the subject or mutter something about american cultural hegemony, or the jews in Hollywood, or how American cinema chains keep refusing to promote such crowd pleasing film-epics as The Existential Ennui of Jacques the Goat-Herder.

Think not about how the Americans are the only country to land on the moon, about how they are the leaders in almost every scientific field, that everyone in third-world countries wants to move to the USA, while hardly anybody in the USA wants to move anywhere else.

Do not think about such things. Your cultural superiority is assured: you, of course, are an enlightened non-American, and they are mere buffoons.

There are ample opportunities to carp about Americans taking action on the world stage, even when you are (after great pain) forced to accept they are justified in doing so. The way to do this is to insist that the americans ask for and receive international approval and support for these actions, regardless of the complete lack of alternatives put forth by our non-american brethren.

Of course, some uncultured american swine may ask "why the fuck do we need you in the first place?". Merely respond with accusations that this is proof of their arrogance (under no circumstance should you attempt to answer their crude question)

A very useful weapon in the anti-American cause. The simple mention of Palestine, "occupied territories" and the intifada is enough to ensure a teary-eyed blubbery response from a huge collection of clueless dingbats worldwide.

Do not consider for a moment that Israel is the only democracy in the entire middle east, which is attempting to defend itself from an entire continent which would gladly slaughter them in seconds were they able to do so.

Consider not for a moment that many more Palestinians have died at the hands of other arabs that at the hands of the Israelis.

Consider not for a moment that the problem with Palestine has more to do with a psychotic death-cult religion which seeks to exterminate Jews. Rather, sit back and pretend it's all about US-supported Zionism. The evilness of capitalism and Jews is a real grabber.

It's best of course to avoid any discussions about the geopolitical history of enlightened non-American nations.

Especially don't think about Europe as the home of Nazism, genocide, communism and appeasers of third-world tyrants. Don't think about the French as the country that blew up the Rainbow Warrior and attempted to kill its entire crew, or whose intellectuals supported Mao, Stalin and Pol Pot.

Don't think about Africa as the home of slavery, brutal tribal racism, colossal human rights abuses, massive corruption and generally neanderthal cultural beliefs. (If anyone mentions Africa, blame White People and change the subject).

Don't think about Asia as the place of military tyrants, mass slaughter and open racism.

Don't think about how the Muslim world has not managed to create a single free, democratic society, about how they have not managed to create the slightest trace of an intellectual culture outside of fundamentalist clerics, about how the entire history of the Islamic world essentially boils down to warfare and prehistoric barbarism.

Don't think about how every communist society became a brutal dictatorship of the party, where mass-murder, starvation, horrid standard-of-living and cultural backwardness were the norm. Our communist brothers stood for equality and humanity remember? They are better than those filthy yanquis with their money, liberty and whatnot.

Collate the works of a few noted anti-USA geniuses, such as Noam Chomsky, Edward Said, John Pilger, Marc Herold and anybody who writes for The Guardian. You can then back up your arguments with really impressive sounding quotations. Make sure you have a good range of them though, lest some arrogant american lapdog make a note of Chomsky's support for the Khmer Rouge, Pilger's "selective" scholasticism and Herold's rather bad grasp of basic arithmetic.

Overall, this is arguably the most important principle of anti-american behaviour: anything the americans do is *always* worse than anything anyone else does. One must not waste valuable time and energy criticising non-american countries, particularly if those countries are third-world toiletbowls run by genocidal tyrants. This might lead some gullible fools to believe that the USA isn't the worst place in the world.

Some examples; - McDonalds selling bad hamburgers is worse than the Chinese murdering a million Tibetans - The americans keeping "taliban Johnny" in prison is worse than Castro imprisoning his entire population and doing away with political opponents - the worldwide popularity of american movies is worse than Hamas slaughtering Jewish civilians

You see? With these nine tips you'll find it much easier to maintain the correct perspective on things and keep your mind focused on the true, american-induced horrors of this world.

I believe "liberal intellectuals" is an oxymoron, much like "government intelligence" or "Microsoft Works".

I just started reading Ann Coulter's Slander and came across this great quote in the first chapter.

Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now.

The guy is right on target except for the fact that American music, televison, and film on average stinks to high heaven. The golden age of American culture ended with the rise of Rap, Britney Spears, and Paulie Shore, etc. Everything else was hilariously and tragically correct.

The best way to be a good anti-American is to join the democratic political party.
Anything else is secondary.

that American music, televison, and film on average stinks to high heaven.

I tend to agree with you, but it doesn't negate the author's claim that America makes the best music, television, etc. That does say something about the rest of the world, doesn't it?

Lots of vague, emotive mumbling about global capitalism, McDonalds, Nike and whatnot should get the juices pumping. It needn't have any relevance to the subject at hand, it merely useful as a device to set the scene: the Americans are out there conducting naughty, evil free trade.

And don't forget to repeat "Americans are only 5% of the worlds people but they use 60% of the worlds resources". Or 70%, or 80% or whatever. After all, it's not like anybody is going to ask you to back up your numbers.

That does say something about the rest of the world, doesn't it?

As someone pointed out in another article, America imported The Weakest Link from Britain, not the other way around.

I just started reading Ann Coulter's Slander and came across this great quote in the first chapter.
Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now.

Great book! You'll find MANY of those "great quotes" as you go along; you'll laugh till you cry.

Don't think about how the Muslim world has not managed to create a single free, democratic society, about how they have not managed to create the slightest trace of an intellectual culture

Inferior cultures that won't admit it are the world's worst problem. Instead of looking at what made the US successful and most Americans comfortable, they insist on hanging onto cultures and government forms that don't work well.

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