Need advice regarding our 13-year-old daughter(vanity)

self | 9/14/02 | self

[rudy45]

I would appreciate insight into a situation we are facing.

Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter is the focus of attention of a 14-year-old boy. We are in the same church as the other family. Our daughter and the boy are in the same youth group.

This boy is giving our daughter more attention than we would like, via phone calls and instant messenger chats.

I'm concerned that telling our daughter to "back away" will simply make the boy seem more attractive. Therefore, I think our other option is to talk to the boy's parents, and ask them to talk to their son. I would think that approach is better than talking to the boy directly. What about talking to the youth group leader?

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

Please offer your insight and suggestions. Thanks.

[ALS]

bybybill has a valid point. I have a 15 year old daughter and it is true that these things work themselves out. As a parent, the best thing you can do is to not let the girl think you make too big a deal out of it, as Miss AmericanPie noted, and to not allow her to get in a position where she's tempted to compromise everything you've taught her.
I remember my dad being very good at giving the appearance you were on your own to experience life's pains and pleasures. But he was always there to steer things in a quiet yet strong manner. His goal was the end result of the lesson learned. That lesson will carry you on through the perils ahead. Raising a teen is a delicate balance of letting them think they have freedom while you hold the reins.

[DBtoo]

To be blunt at that age they are still too shy and immature to kiss or anything. They just get their little crushes and write notes to one another and that sort of thing. Then 3 weeks later it's over.

I had a big crush on a guy when I was 13; it consisted of admiring him from a distance and thinking about him a lot. If he would have approached me and tried to kiss me or something, I would have probably screamed with terror and hated him forever after. 13 year old girls are like that.

[dennisw]

Handcuff her to the radiator.... Just kidding.

[Tall_Texan]

I've never been a parent so take this for what it is worth. I think your hunch is right that the more you show that this bothers you the more you risk making this lad seem exciting to your daughter.

It's her you have to reach, not him. Only you have to let her conclude for herself that the attention is a bit overboard. Having mother lead the assault should be more effective. Mention in passing that the fellow seems a bit desperate or must be pretty insecure to be (fill in the blank). In other words, lower him in the daughter's eyes and she'll decide for herself that there are better fish to bait a hook for.

The absolute wrong thing to do is confront him, her, their parents or the group leader in a matter that shows you are irritated or worried. That only seems to encourage them. But stand firm on where they are going and when she should be home and who must be around if they are to go anywhere together. Lay down rules that you would lay down for *all* her potential boyfriends and be consistent. That way she knows it isn't about just this one boy.

My own impressions from a keyboard far far away. Good luck.

[brat]

"Puppy love, next week they will most likely hate each other"

MAP is right. Back off or you'll be sorry. If you've raised them up in the way they should go then it is time you trusted them. Your distrust will speak louder than anything you could possibly say.

[Founding Father]

We started our 3 girls off early letting them know that dating started at 16. Block all IMs except from girlfriends whose parents don't let boys on the computer. Start early telling them boys do,say,etc anything to get in their pants. Frankly, all the work needs to be done by the time they're 13. P.S. Same type rules applied to our boys. Result to date, 3 valedictorians, 2 Homecoming Queens. You have to keep pounding into their heads that it only takes 15 minutes of being stupid to ruin your life and you get only one reputation--don't waste it.

[Jeff Head]

We've raised three teenage girls into their twenties. Two are now married.

Been ther and done that.

I showed all of my girl's suitors, from about 13 on, my gun collection. Seriously I did, and in consultation with their parents invited all of them to learn and go shooting with me. Several did, most did not.

In your specific situation (and be glad he is only 14) I would talk to the parents. We did that and then had both sets of parents and the two kids present on a couple of occassions.

In our house, kids could not go to dances until they were 14 (and then they were driven there, to adult chaparoned events) ... and they could not date one on one until at least 16, with encouragement to not go "steady" until 17-18.

It worked fairly well, but there were certainly some rough moments.

We are now into out two teenage sons. They are much easier to deal with to this date. Not nearly the number of "events" or the severity so far (one 18 now and one 13).

But ... each couple has to come to the their own way with their specific kids. All three of our daughters, despite the general rules quoted above ... had to be approached and treated differently with respect to the specific application of those rules and particularly the consequences of over-stepping them.

Needed lots of communication (parent to child, child to parent and parent to parent) and lots of faith and prayer.

God bless and His best to you. May He bless you for caring enough to be directly involved. So many are not these days.

[SGCOS]

Tell her he's gay.

&^)

[littleleaguemom]

Hmmm...when my very handsome son (now 14 and still too busy for girls) was 12 he received a lot of inappropriate calls and emails from sixth grade sexpots (NOT in our church). Dirty jokes, suggestive stuff, whining about their "terrible" lives (in mansions), etc. He knew I read all his email and told his little classmates, "Stop sending this stuff, my parents read it, you idiots." That seemed to do the trick.

[MissAmericanPie]

LOL, I cannot wait to read this to my husband.

[AmericanVictory]

When our children were that age, I found that the best advide we gave them, particularly as regarding those who espouse any Christ oriented faith, was that any person who tells you they want to get into your pants because they "love" you, doesn't. If they loved you they would want to marry you at an appropriate age and then get in your pants -- and have children with you. The other thing that seemed to help was getting involved in youth organizations where you have to stand for office, communicate, give speeches and otherwise learn to attract people and be attracted people other than in romantic liasons.

[pops88]

This is what I would do. Invite him to dinner, over to watch TV, any and everything you can think of. They'll be sick to death of each other and it will deal with the problem of the person becoming more attractive because they're "off limits" or you don't like them. I love reverse psychology :) Talking to the boy's parents could back-fire and make her more desirable to him.

[Quix]

Research shows, that IF your goal is to have them rush together; get married or sexual prematurely and then divorce after a short while--THEN you would want to TRY AND KEEP THEM APART.

IF your goal is to prevent all such as I assume it is--you would probably want to do the opposite of even appearing to try and keep them apart. The research is very clear about that. There are no guarantees. The research is talking about a huge percentage of the time what will happen--not absolutely 100% of the time. But it IS almost 100% of the time that IF the parents try and keep the youth apart, IT WILL PUSH THEM TOGETHER. . . according to very solid research.

Therefore what. I'd suggest inviting the boy over for dinner if not weekly every other week. Insist that at least for the bulk if not all of the time, they spend time together in the family areas--at least within sight--including in the back yard etc--rather than in a bedroom behind closed doors.

I'd also go out of my way to have groups of their peers over most weekends.

I personally don't think girls or guys have any business on 1:1 dates before 16 years. . . maybe 17 in some cases. But it doesn't have to be personal. I hope you've talked about such before she approached puberty. It's just a policy period. Youth are unprepared to handle all the contingencies, emotions, hormones etc. responsibly until they are more mature. It would be unloving and irresponsible of you to pretend otherwise etc.

I'd probably as a father of the girl sort of "adopt" the boy who was so interesting to her. I'd go out of my way to build a personal bridge to him.

I'd even invite him for guy things on occasion--1:1 and with friends of his--including where possible some upper classmen 2-3 years senior and who knew how to really handle themselves in fun but mature ways.

It's one thing if it's "seperation/individuation" time and there's this need male body to launch out vigorously and do it with. . . running from, hiding from, playing games with parents about it.

It's quite another thing if he's kind of been made a member of the family. A 'brother' in the family is a lot less attractive as a bulwark of individuation against parental this's and that's.

But you'll have to play it quite straight. It can't be a charade. Youth smell charades light years off. You have to decide to bite the bullet and do it authentically beginning to end. And that means, to me, that you don't just up and dump the boy when the romance cools off.

I honestly don't know any other way. Of course praying earnestly constantly is important but I've assumed you already do that.

God be with you.

In terms of his parents. . . I think I'd have a chat man to man with his dad. I'd alert him that you don't want to encroach but that you have to do the responsible thing regarding your daughter and that after a lot of prayer, this is the approach you are going to take--you'd like his support. It may be that they'd do something similar. Perhaps the boy's mother would include your daughter on some gal things etc.

Such exchanges also take the perfection image that tends to take hold and puts more of a reality to the fantasy of the perfect opposite sex other person. Your daughter and the boy begin to see ways each of the parents is expressed in their child. It helps increase the reality testing. They might even begin to see that the other person has flaws--as do their parents. Then your battle is more than half won. Reality has begun to reign again.

But you'll need to pray thru to the point that you can convincingly appear that you haven't an anxiety in the world--BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING Christ said. And that you have all the time in the world to just enjoy both young people.

Anything else and you'll just give them something to push against and cling tighter to each other.

This sort of thing is VERY paradoxical.

Blessings,

[bybybill]

thank you--I`ve have not laughed so hard in a long time. Those pimply faced kids waiting to take my little girl out used to get bug eyed when I would clean my shotgun while they waited. When I was a kid in the same spot, one dad had his dog smell me so my scent would be registered.

[DBtoo]

That is a very good point. I think all girls should be taught about the sex drive of teenage boys. I wish someone would have told me at the time. Teenage girls do not have the same raging hormones that the boys have, and if they are not told they just assume the boys are like they are.

There were a couple of times in high school where seemingly nice boys would ask me out on a date and I'd go, only to end up fighting them off and wondering why they were being so forward. No one ever told me about the strong sex drive of teenage boys and I didn't really find out about it until I became an adult. So I tell people with daughters to make sure and tell them about this.

[herewego]

welcome to the "tween " world.
chances are this will die out soon enough, especially if you like the kid - don't try to chase him away unless he is a danger to her.
with four kids (3 girls,age 2-16 yrs )
and a wild son (12) most of what is hip today will be forgotten the next.
just be cool and keep your battle rifle close but out of sight.
never let on that you are TOO concerned- it is tough though!
good luck!

[Humidston]

Congratulations! You have now entered the TWILIGHT zone of pre-teens, LOL!

I've taken the liberty of pinging the "Mean Mommies List" for more advice, but I'd just like to say a few things (as an old pro..)

Limit the IM time on computer. Just so she doesn't realize you're doing it tho.. Interrupt her when she's on computer, etc. (You'll have to be sly to accomplish this without her knowing why.)

DON'T ban the boy unless you can see he's causing a negative effect on your daughter. I've found teens start mirroring behavior of their friends so guard who she's around carefully!

Invite him around the family. Size him up. Do something your daughter (and the family) really enjoy so she'll notice if he's bored or doesn't fit in. She'll really be grossed out if he "disses" what she loves to do.

Watch her like a hawk! And pray a lot too! Good luck and lots of prayers coming your way. Just remember, it's going to be this way for the next few years!

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

Since you attend a church I recommend the book "I Kissed Dating Goodby". It is written by a youth pastor. There is a sequel to the book that is suppose to be even better than the first. It is available through almost every Christian book store.

Get this book, you and your wife read it first. If you agree with it's philosphy, you will have a game plan to work from. Then have your daughter read it. Finally sit her down and talk about the book. The almost same exact thing is going on in my household right now except that the party involved in my son and he is 17. The girl (16) also goes to our church, but doesn't have a great family structure, so we are having keep this fire under control from only our side of the fire with only two hoses.

We insisted that he read the book and then I requested that he would give her the book to read. I just got it back yesterday from my son. I was informed that he had finished it and that she had read it also (I did not know this). This has opened up the communication not only between son and parents it has also opened up the communication between them as to what is acceptable by our standards. I will be purchasing the sequel tomorrow for them to start on.

I understand that our situation is a little different, I am dealing with older H.S. students but still once you lay the ground work, then all you have to do is enforce the rules(the hard part). I fortunately had my son reading the book before he met her so I was able to state that our position was already in place before he even really met her.

[rb22982]

I know girls who lost their virginity to guys at 13 and 14 in church homes of middle/upper class families. Although they weren't seeing 14 year olds, they were seeing 16,17 and 18 year olds. 14 year old guys will not know what they are doing so if they end up having sex or anything like that the girl is just as much to blame as the guy

Telling her no will just backfire, and if you talk to his parents, the same thing could happen with him. The best thing IMO would be just to invite the boy along with your family on outings and such so you can keep an eye on him, and make it seem as you do not care either way.

[Quix]

I think you're quite right DEPENDING on the DEGREE OF INFATUATION WITH EACH OTHER--or even on one side. My prescription could be overdone if the degree of infatuation is not very strong. Prayer about where to balance it all would be more than fitting.