Need advice regarding our 13-year-old daughter(vanity)

self | 9/14/02 | self

[rudy45]

I would appreciate insight into a situation we are facing.

Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter is the focus of attention of a 14-year-old boy. We are in the same church as the other family. Our daughter and the boy are in the same youth group.

This boy is giving our daughter more attention than we would like, via phone calls and instant messenger chats.

I'm concerned that telling our daughter to "back away" will simply make the boy seem more attractive. Therefore, I think our other option is to talk to the boy's parents, and ask them to talk to their son. I would think that approach is better than talking to the boy directly. What about talking to the youth group leader?

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

Please offer your insight and suggestions. Thanks.

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

You haven't been watching the media lately right? There are 12 year old getting pregnant these days, and you don't think that they are even kissing? Too many kids are being educated about sex from their parents R and X rated movies.

[Dinsdale]

it only takes 15 minutes of being stupid

At 14? Try 15 seconds...

[herewego]

to think that my kids could do what i did- God help us all.

[glorygirl]

Rudy, forgive me, but just about EVERY 13 year old boy is boorish, at least occasionally.

As a former (rebellious,but that remained) 13-year-old girl, my suggestion would be not to make too big a deal out of this.

It is natural for 13-year-old boys and girls to be attracted to each other. And these attachments, particularly for girls, anyway, are often long-remembered.

You haven't mentioned where Mom stands on all this -- is she lobbying you, or are you lobbying her? That's a key question, because if Mom is the one pushing for you to "be reasonable", things are probably okay. If not, there is a serious need for somebody to lighten up!

Your daughter needs you to be kind and supportive now more than any time in her life. That doesn't mean you should bend the rules, as previously noted. Just BE THERE for her. Reassuring rather than threatening.

[herewego]

(oops)not the 15 second thing but the hellraising

[Dinsdale]

to think that my kids could do what i did- God help us all.

Blame your parents, they put the curse on you, as their parents before them.

[DBtoo]

It's sad about 13 and 14 year olds having sex, because their little bodies aren't even fully developed yet, and their minds and emotions certainly aren't. The media doesn't help matters either as they seem to promote sex among teens. I really believe most young teenage girls have an instinctual fear of sex because of their underdevelopment and the risk a pregnancy could cause to their lives. Of course there always have been and always will be those few 13 year old girls who are very developed for their age.

Peer pressure and the media can overide those natural fears though; that's why it is so important in this day and age for parents to tell their kids the way it really is and what can happen.

[herewego]

hell, with the rep my parents had, i'm lucky to be here now at all. my grandparents told me to run away from home---

[paul51]

Who contols the phones and computers in the house?

[Robert_Paulson2]

read romeo and juliette... but not to them.
Background issues to consider.
Is the boy "ugly" deformed, retarded or something? Are his parents monied or poor?

Just for fun consider:
1. I would be glad she likes boys, instead of being "bi"
2. I would be happy they both found someone of like faith to be interested in. At least she isn't messaging a sex cult member.
3. I might even take the kids out to dinner with me and mom and put the boy and daughter on the spot about stuff regarding boundaries.
4. I would find a way to disable the internet transactions for a while... no need to let a 13 year old girl continue connecting with folks you don't like, if you don't like the ones you know who go to your church "messaging" her to begin with... you don't want her to be messaging with perverts and predators.
5. Start worrying if she stops being interested in boys and starts listening to melissa etheridge music... not a good sign.
6. don't ask freepers for advice... it usually starts morality wars... and long tales of "how I NEVER even talked to a boy, but girls were decent when I was 13, way back in....." type of stuff.

7. You didn't really expect a completely straight answer did you???

hee hee.... rofl.

[Robert_Paulson2]

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

I like that one... heh heh...

[Chemnitz]

Disapproval and hostility often drive people together, just to prove something. That is not a good idea. However, if someone is disreputable, then laying down the law must be done.

Overall the best approach is constant adult supervision. It will actually benefit both of them. They can enjoy an innocent friendship without having to prove something by being intimate.

Our son had a girl who was a friend at that age. We took them to the mall and various places together. It was fun for all of us and innocent as well.

I know certain ethnic groups who practice adult supervision at all times, like the scene in the Godfather where half the village follows the couple down the road. I think this is a great idea. One person wrote in her book "Arnie the Darling Starling" that the parents sent a big dog on all dates. If the boy touched the daughter, the dog in the back seat growled a low gutteral growl. Any more action meant a very large mouth closing on the boy's arm. It was very effective.

[xJones]

Call the boy's family and tell them to pull in Bonzo. And if you're afraid of offending them, then forget it.

[Mo1]

(Rolls her eyes) "Oh, dad, that's SO OVER!"

That true .. LOL

[Robert_Paulson2]

His e-mail and IM comments consistently talk about how this s--ks and that s---ks.

sounds like some freepers I know...

[Arthur McGowan]

These rules make a lot of sense, except this one:

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.

The last thing any high-school-age kids should be doing is dating exclusively. No relationship at that age should be so serious that exclusivity is called for.

[toupsie]

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

It worked on me when I was a teen boy smitten with a pretty girl. Her dad was an avid hunter and had a den wall full of animal heads mounted. The first time I met him, he said he had room for mine if any funny business went on.

Needless to say, he nipped it in the bud for me! :)

[BJungNan]

Don't be so worried about it. Follow the normal rules for kids this age. No staying out late, he should not be in her room with the door closed, she should not be at his house unless his parents are home and all that.

My gosh, if the kid is in the same church group, what are you worried about. Let them live a little.

[WaterDragon]

Invite him to dinner every night, flatter him to the nth degree, insist on him spending lots of time chatting with YOU, chide your daughter if she doesn't praise him constantly as well, while acknowledging he does have some "small" problems (figure some out). She should be sick of him very soon. My parents did this. It worked.