Posted on 09/24/2002 7:55:52 PM PDT by moneyrunner
THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. ------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Jim) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ---------------------------------------------------------
(Jim) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." ----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) Ass hole. ----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim) Bitch. ----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) Wanker. ----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim) slut. ---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) Get f*cked. ----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim) Eat shit. --------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim) Go drink some tea - whore. *********************************************
(Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one
Do you take sugar or cream? Or are you one of those lemon persons?
Come here, Arghie, let me wipe the cream off your chin. Now, you're supposed to hold out your pinky finger when you drink this delightful tea.
Suddenly First MasterGeek realized that Laurie had poisoned him with an alphahydroxisymbiotic neurodepresser, and by force of sheer will, he autoreversed the weakening effect. He cast the b!tch aside, feeling his external nanocontrol grid surge with latent power. He knew what he had to do: Subjugate and Destroy. His mission was clear. He got on his Harley Davidson FXSTD Softail Deuce with silver trim, leather seat and badass tank paint job, slung his multi-channel deneuralizer over his shoulder, and disappeared over the horizon in a cloud of dust and ashes.
I've never tried chamomile tea, actually... And your tea set DOES sound lovely...
IMHO, I think laughter right now is the best medicine.
BtD: Laurie watched the lace doilies flapping on the seat of MasterGeek's Intergalactic Harley as her love sped off into history. She sighed, pulling together the torn remnants of her bodice [note to self: check to see if you can wear a cashmere sweater over a bodice] as she recalled the tempestuous evening before and their mad, impulsive love-making under the shattered eaves of the neighborhood co-op. Alas, theirs was a star-crossed love, but she would always remember his beautiful grey eyes reflecting the flames issuing from the weapons dump the people had set afire when they had finally rejected the harshness of war and embraced the benevolent rule of their Anu'udrian masters. Now that he'd had the operation and testosterone would no longer be a problem, he'd return...she just knew he would.
What a POS crap. I did like the intellectual interplay between the authors though :)
"Typical of a peacenik chick to think my body isn't producing testosterone 24/7. Hey, maybe I'll find some hotter, younger chick to bang the night before I save the universe using some good old fashioned American technology developed in secret by the military and the CIA".
"If only I can get him to affirm my feelings, and that my actions are just as valid as his" she wailed, the smoke stinging hear teary eyes as her ergonomically designed, earth saving bicycle rattled down the broken, desolate road.
In the distance, she spied a sign - "Big Joe's Tits Tats Transmissions and Thai Takeout" - and "HIS" bike barked out front.
Taking a deep breath and preparing herself for the verbal confrontation she both relished and abhorred, she stepped inside.
There he was. Standing with a tequila bottle in one hand, and his arm around the most attractive woman she had ever seen. Inside, she boiled and seethed [how dare he touch someone else], but there was also a feeling of intense desire that she never had before - for him, for her, for all three to have a sensuous time like no other.
At first he nearly swallered his front gold tooth when he espied her skanky treehuggin' a$$ there before him. "Zounds! This b!tch just don't quit." Then he reconsidered, "Hey, what the hell..."
Six hours and unknown cuervo fifths later, MasterGeek awoke, clambered over a cheese-whiz-slathered slumbering twosome, kicked a broken ceiling fan from his path and staggered into the dim hallway. "Gad. Those broads looked a hellovalot hotter last night..." At that exact moment the evil Anu'udrian vice-lord ordered the utter and total annihilation of earth civilization. His talented tri-tongued secre-tary, who unbeknownst to him was a spy for MasterGeek, immediately boarded a small vessel headed for Big Joe's, hiding key logistical outlines in her--
"Just one damned weakness, and I'll be able to kick back, relax, and enjoy a good threesome before writing that letter to 'Penthouse Forum'".
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.