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The world's funniest joke?
The Scotsman ^ | 10/03/02 | DIANE KING

Posted on 10/03/2002 2:05:38 PM PDT by Heartlander2

THE world’s funniest joke was unveiled by scientists today at the end of the largest study of humour ever undertaken.

For the past year people around the world have been invited to judge jokes on an internet site as well as contribute quips of their own.

The LaughLab experiment conducted by psychologist Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million votes.

And the joke which received the highest global rating - submitted by 31-year-old psychiatrist Gurpal Gosall from Manchester - was:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

"The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

Dr Wiseman said the joke was interesting because it worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal.

"Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity. The hunters joke contained all three elements."

The experiment also revealed wide humour differences between nations.

One intriguing result was Germans - not renowned for their sense of humour - found just about everything funny. They did not express a strong preference for any type of joke.

People from Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes with word plays, such as this one. Patient: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I’ve got some cream for that!"

Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority - either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid.

This was an example of American humour.

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK, where are you from, jackass?"

Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, liked surreal humour. Here is an example: An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Europeans also enjoyed jokes that made light of serious topics such as death, illness and marriage.

Dr Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour."

Computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long.

Many jokes contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were seen as funnier than other jokes.

The researchers were also able to pinpoint the funniest moment of the year. People found the jokes funniest at 6.03pm on October 7.

Dr Wiseman’s team is launching a book describing their findings today.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: jokes
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1 posted on 10/03/2002 2:05:38 PM PDT by Heartlander2
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To: Heartlander2
I dunno...here's my choice:

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a tube of ChapStick.

The clerk asks..."will that be cash, check or charge?"

To which the duck replies,

"Just put it on my bill."

2 posted on 10/03/2002 2:08:13 PM PDT by daler
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To: Heartlander2
Jokes mentioning ducks were seen as funnier than other jokes.

Groucho didn't need a study to figure this out.

-PJ

3 posted on 10/03/2002 2:08:45 PM PDT by Political Junkie Too
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To: Heartlander2
actually the funniest joke, according to Monty Python, was written by a man some time ago ... during WWII ... MI6 obtained the joke, translated it into German, and gave one word to each soldier who would call out the words in sequence ... one soldier received two words and was hospitalized for 6 weeks ... the joke worked in the field of combat, with Nazis coming out of their foxholes and keeling over ...

I kinda like the "Woof" joke ...
4 posted on 10/03/2002 2:09:20 PM PDT by Bobby777
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To: daler
Jokes mentioning ducks were seen as funnier than other jokes.

Aflac.

5 posted on 10/03/2002 2:11:02 PM PDT by SGCOS
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To: Heartlander2
oh man, that Texan-Harvard joke almost had me rollin.
6 posted on 10/03/2002 2:11:39 PM PDT by Texas_Jarhead
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To: daler
This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at him, and asks him why he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The pirate responds to the bartender, "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts".
7 posted on 10/03/2002 2:12:24 PM PDT by killjoy
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To: Bobby777
un cheval marche dans une barre ...

le barman indique: "Pourquoi le long visage?"
8 posted on 10/03/2002 2:12:59 PM PDT by Bobby777
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To: Bobby777
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
9 posted on 10/03/2002 2:13:51 PM PDT by Cleburne
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To: Cleburne
I can do a little French ... but I'm LOST ... LOL
10 posted on 10/03/2002 2:16:36 PM PDT by Bobby777
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To: Heartlander2
Somebody better make me laugh on October 7th. I mean it.
11 posted on 10/03/2002 2:17:18 PM PDT by leadpenny
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To: Heartlander2
How 'bout another hunting joke:

Two Aggies are out hunting in the woods. After a while, they realize that they're lost. The first Aggie says to the second one, "I've heard that shooting two shots into the air is a universal call for help". The second Aggie shoots twice into the air. They continue looking for a way out and after an hour are still lost. The second Aggie shoots twice again. Then, after several hours pass, they wind up in the exact same spot where they first realized they were lost. Desperate, the first Aggie says to the other, "we're in trouble, shoot two more times". The second Aggie replies, "Can't, I'm out of arrows!". Bwahahaha...
12 posted on 10/03/2002 2:18:45 PM PDT by mikegi
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To: Cleburne
Joke warfare.

Sad.

13 posted on 10/03/2002 2:20:27 PM PDT by TomB
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To: Cleburne
What does a Texas tornado and a Tennesse divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna loose a trailer.
14 posted on 10/03/2002 2:20:35 PM PDT by awgie2
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To: Heartlander2
I read the whole article and didn't laugh once. The joke about the Harvard grad and the Texas did bring half a smile to my face though.

Permit me to link in this laugh out loud FR thread...

Caption This! Unshaven women protest Bush

Not all of the jokes "hit" and different people will laugh at different things but when was the last time a Caption This thread hit 200 posts in a day?

15 posted on 10/03/2002 2:20:42 PM PDT by weegee
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To: Cleburne
"Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput."

Hahahahahahahahahahaha! (Just laughing at the words. Can't read German.)

16 posted on 10/03/2002 2:23:00 PM PDT by Eastbound
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To: mikegi
Guy is walking up a stairwell in a construction site with the construction supervisor. At every landing he leans out a window and yells "Green side up". After they reach about the 5th floor the first guy can't resist and asks the supervisor why yell "Green side up". The supervisor replies "I got a couple of aggies out there laying sod."
17 posted on 10/03/2002 2:23:40 PM PDT by 2 Kool 2 Be 4-Gotten
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To: Heartlander2
I read about this last year, and it was the same joke!!

After you hear a joke so many times it gets old. There's gotta better humor than that.

I'm sure it has merit considering they got their "numbers" from an internet poll.

I can't wait to see what the poll would show as funny next year.

In the future to be on the safe side we should support Term Limits on these things.

(end joke)

18 posted on 10/03/2002 2:24:23 PM PDT by perfect stranger
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To: Heartlander2
The world's funniest joke is a punchline without a setup, occasionally seen in movies having the persepective come in in the middle (so there's theoretically a setup but you never hear it):
rectum, almost killed him.
19 posted on 10/03/2002 2:27:58 PM PDT by discostu
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To: Cleburne
David Letterman says that everything is funnier in Spanish.

Here's what I got from Babblefish:

¿Si el Nunstruck es git y Slotermeyer? ¡Sí! Beiherhund o el gersput de Flipperwaldt

20 posted on 10/03/2002 2:30:22 PM PDT by weegee
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To: Bobby777
Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!?

Be careful, this joke'll kill ya!
21 posted on 10/03/2002 2:30:58 PM PDT by Gigantor
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To: perfect stranger
This one's better...

two guys out camping/hunting in the desert---

during the night one got bit by a snake---

in the most sensitive spot on the male body...

his partner calls 911...

and the doctor says---

in two hours your friend will be dead...

if you don't get that poison out---

the only way you can---

the man tells his partner---

the doctor says...

you're gonna die!

22 posted on 10/03/2002 2:31:17 PM PDT by f.Christian
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To: Heartlander2
Democrat Nominee for President in 2004: Algore
23 posted on 10/03/2002 2:31:37 PM PDT by Phantom Lord
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To: Heartlander2
SUPPORT FREE REPUBLIC
DONATE TODAY OR.....
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YOUR NEW ADMIN MODERATOR!
Donate Here By Secure Server

Or mail checks to
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or you can use

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STOP BY AND BUMP THE FUNDRAISER THREAD

24 posted on 10/03/2002 2:31:50 PM PDT by justshe
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To: Heartlander2
A Baptist minister, a Roman Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi walk into a bar together.

The bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

25 posted on 10/03/2002 2:33:08 PM PDT by Poohbah
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To: Gigantor
Doctor: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You have cancer, and you have Alzheimers.

Mr. Smith: Well, at least I don't have cancer.

26 posted on 10/03/2002 2:33:59 PM PDT by Gigantor
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To: Heartlander2; Travis McGee
(Pinging Travis 'cause he's the one that originally told me)

The three perpetual truths of religion are as follows:

Jews will never recognize Jesus of Nazareth as the Messiah.

Protestants will never recognize the Pope as the temporal leader of all Christians.

Baptists will never recognize each other at Hooter's or in a liquor store.

27 posted on 10/03/2002 2:35:10 PM PDT by Poohbah
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"Recent" joke from Rip Taylor:

Q: What's that wrinkled thing hangin' out yer underwear?

A: Your mother.

Thought it was gonna be dirty, didn't ya?

28 posted on 10/03/2002 2:37:35 PM PDT by weegee
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To: Heartlander2
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

29 posted on 10/03/2002 2:40:23 PM PDT by SamAdams76
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To: Poohbah
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.

The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
30 posted on 10/03/2002 2:41:40 PM PDT by weegee
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To: Poohbah
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I lost an electron."
The second one says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
31 posted on 10/03/2002 2:45:07 PM PDT by weegee
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To: Heartlander2
World"s stupidest joke

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/762408/posts
32 posted on 10/03/2002 2:45:35 PM PDT by philetus
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To: Heartlander2
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you pick up peanuts with that little thing?

33 posted on 10/03/2002 2:47:26 PM PDT by pke
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To: philetus
Pbbbbbbbt (Bronx cheer for that one)
34 posted on 10/03/2002 2:48:16 PM PDT by weegee
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To: Gigantor
ah the gibberish of the joke! I thought it was real ... I guess only a few words are actually *real* German ...

I remember Hitler's attempt

My dog has no nose!

how does he smell?

TERRIBLE!
35 posted on 10/03/2002 2:48:34 PM PDT by Bobby777
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To: killjoy
A girl from the south was sitting next to a girl from the north on an airplane. The southern girl, being friendly, said, "So, where y'all from?" The northern girl replied coldly, "A place where people know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The southern girl was silent for a moment, and then said, "So where y'all from, bitch?"
36 posted on 10/03/2002 2:51:31 PM PDT by hapsgroupie
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To: ZinGirl; wimpycat
bttt
37 posted on 10/03/2002 2:54:08 PM PDT by f.Christian
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To: hapsgroupie
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand,
said, "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"
38 posted on 10/03/2002 2:55:24 PM PDT by billorites
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To: Heartlander2
I like this one meself:

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her thong off and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks "That was truly amazing! He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple passes, he says to them "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric".

39 posted on 10/03/2002 2:56:44 PM PDT by Prodigal Son
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To: f.Christian
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.
When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.
I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
40 posted on 10/03/2002 2:56:54 PM PDT by billorites
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To: Cleburne



Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke. I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division. The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuallity of me reading the joke.
41 posted on 10/03/2002 2:57:32 PM PDT by itzmygun
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To: Heartlander2
The Americans had just landed a man on the moon and the Soviet politburo called an emergency session.

"Comrades," said party chairman Brezhnev, "the Americans have beaten us in the race land a man on the moon. Do not be discouraged, we can still demonstrate the superiorty of the communist system and top them by landing a man on the sun."

The assembled aparatchiks applaud wildly.

When they settle down one of the cosmonauts present at the meeting raises his hand, "But chairman Brezhnev, if we try land a man on the sun, we'll be burned up."

Stunned silence from the assembly.

Brezhnev replies, "Comrade, do you think that your Politbureau has not already considered that? For that very reason, we have decided to have you land at night."

(more thunderous applause)

42 posted on 10/03/2002 2:59:53 PM PDT by Grim
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To: Heartlander2
Okay, a man walks into a bar with a big frog on his head.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get THAT ugly thing?"
The frog replies, "Don't ask me. It started out as a boil on my butt."
43 posted on 10/03/2002 3:00:05 PM PDT by lsee
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To: f.Christian
alright. A group of monks decide to start a flower shop. Their Farm animals think this is a terrible idea, so the cows try to talk them out of it, the hogs try, and the ram tries. Finally, the ram's mate succeeds. This just goes to show:


Only Ewe can prevent florist friars.
44 posted on 10/03/2002 3:00:07 PM PDT by jaw1964a
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To: Bobby777
actually the funniest joke, according to Monty Python, was written by a man some time ago ... during WWII ...

And do you remember Hitler's response?
My dog has no nose!
Man in crowd: "How does he smell?"
Hitler:Awful!

45 posted on 10/03/2002 3:03:34 PM PDT by nofriendofbills
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To: daler
I dunno...here's my choice:

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a tube of ChapStick.

The clerk asks..."will that be cash, check or charge?"

To which the duck replies,

"Just put it on my bill."

Close:

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck are staying at a fancy hotel.
They enjoy an excellent dinner, several rounds of drinks, dancing and music. They gaze at the stars from the rooftop bar, and decide to retire to their room. A few minutes later they realize that they have forgotten an important item.
Donald gets dressed and goes to the concerge. He discretely whispers "Do you have any condoms?"

The concerge quietly replys "Certainly sir, "Would you prefer cash, or just give me your room number I can put it on your bill."

Donald shouts: "What do you think I am? A PERVERT????"

103 words ;^)

46 posted on 10/03/2002 3:05:01 PM PDT by null and void
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To: Heartlander2
I always liked this one:

What do older women have between their breasts that younger women don't?

A bellybutton.
47 posted on 10/03/2002 3:07:41 PM PDT by walkingdead
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To: itzmygun
ROTFLOL
48 posted on 10/03/2002 3:08:16 PM PDT by Bobby777
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To: Heartlander2
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"
49 posted on 10/03/2002 3:11:22 PM PDT by walkingdead
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To: walkingdead
Ham sandwich walks into a bar and say's, 'Give me a beer!'

Bartender: I told you we don't serve food here!





50 posted on 10/03/2002 3:14:51 PM PDT by Gigantor
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