Posted on 02/02/2003 7:36:54 PM PST by Blitzen
Breaking news: Liberals Endorse War As Inspectors Discover S.U.V.s In Iraq
Leading left wing anti-war protesters last night gave their endorsement for an invasion of Iraq after the shocking revelation that Saddam Hussein has been secretly stockpiling Sports Utility Vehicles.
U.N. inspectors stumbled on the cache while searching a palace just as Saddam's three wives started on their school run.
'They all had SUVs,' said an appalled witness. 'I couldn't believe it. When the Iraqi minders realised we'd seen them they tried to distract us by saying they'd remembered where they hid some anthrax, but it was too late.'
Further investigation revealed that Saddam owns 'at least a dozen' SUVs for his personal use. Emigre Iraqi dissident groups and defectors from the regime confirmed yesterday that Hussein has built up a vast fleet of the dreaded vehicles, smuggled piecemeal from the West in defiance of the embargo, and gives them as presents to members of his inner circle.
'The secret police all have SUVs,' said one high-level defector. 'They use them to round up dissidents for torture. It's barbaric, they don't give a damn about the high fuel consumption. They even leave the engines running while they're breaking down the door. They pick people up randomly instead of working out the shortest route between them. They don't even car-pool.'
The evidence continues to mount. The U.N. delegates have found blueprints for a secret underground parking garage to house Saddam's collection of the sinister gas-guzzling juggernauts. Moreover the Israelis have announced that last year a deep-cover Mossad operation thwarted an attempt by Hussein to purchase a used Chevy Suburban from Russian mafiosi.
It is feared Saddam may also be developing Monster Trucks. Secret files released by the CIA suggest that experts from Alabama were smuggled into Baghdad to collaborate on the building of an 80-foot behemoth known as 'Big Daddy' - to be used solely for Saddam's son Uday to drive to the local store, no more than two blocks from his home.
The news has sown division and dismay in the ranks of the anti-war movement, with many now ready to concede that the Ba'athist regime must be removed by any means necessary.
'We're all pretty shocked by this,' one protester admitted. 'People are going to have a hard time defending it. The whole anti-war movement is disillusioned right now. We now realise Saddam is a dangerous maniac and must be stopped at all costs.'
Some went further. Sculptor Ken Piney, former chair of the now disbanded anti-war group Artists Against Imperialism, said yesterday, 'As far as I'm concerned Saddam can take a Cruise missile enema. The war can't come soon enough for me. We knew he was a torturer and a murderer but we never suspected anything like this. The man is evil. We should kill all their firstborn and plow their fields with salt.'
Hell hath no fury like an environemtalist whacko scorned.
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