French Military Victories in History

email in circulation | Feb 7th | undetermined

[ElkGroveDan]

More on French military victories...

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?"

[ElkGroveDan]

perfect.

[and the horse you rode in on]

Previously Posted Here

[Vaduz]

french fried

[albertabound]

You forgot the battle on the Plains of Abraham where French General Montcalm lost to an inferior force of British regulars and native mercenaries led by General Wolfe, who scaled the heights of the St. Lawrence River in the middle of the night to rout the French Army and kick the French out of North America.

[albertabound]

You forgot the battle on the Plains of Abraham where French General Montcalm lost to an inferior force of British regulars and native mercenaries led by General Wolfe, who scaled the heights of the St. Lawrence River in the middle of the night to rout the French Army and kick the French out of North America.

[Drango]

How about the boming and sinking of the unarmed, civilian "Rainbow Warrior"? Certainly one of France's greatist achievements?

[dfwgator]

Well they did defeat Greenpeace at the infamous "Battle of the Rainbow Warrior."

[canuck_conservative]

Shame on you for wasting so much cyber-space! If you had concentrated solely on French military victories, your article post would look like this:




















Simpler, isn't it?

[dfwgator]

Great minds think alike :)

[Bluegrass Federalist]

Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."

OMG, that's funny.

[DoughtyOne]

Vive La France!

[SquidlyDoWrong]

Actually, one victory for which I give them a heart-felt "Hoorah!"

[MindBender26]

Remembering the First Rule. Most of their anti-terros squads of the 70s and 80s were led by Vietnameese who left SEA in the 50s.

Corallary to First Rule: Only decent French troops are not French. i.e. FFL, The Frog FOREIGN Legion.

The 4/11 Panzer Grenadiers/Light moved from Wermacht to FFL almost to the man, and were most effective FL force in SEA!

[E Rocc]

On a similar note: Nous Rendons!

-Eric

[Smedley]

To be fair, the French did beat the Mexicans in the 1860's, but only after achieving a 6-1 numerical advantage.

However, remember that Cinco De Mayo commemorates the victory of a 4,500 Mexican poorly-armed militia over a 6,500 professional French army at The Battle Of Puebla in 1862.

The French victory of 1863 was short lived, however, after the U.S. provided aid to Mexico to oust the cheese-eaters, who were expelled permanmently in 1867.

[dfwgator]

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[HardStarboard]

It is generally accepted fact in diplomatic circles that France enthuastically backed the digging of the Cross Channel Tunnel ("Chunnel") because it would facilitate setting up a government in exile in London much more quickly in case of any threat to French politicians.

[Smedley]

To be fair, the French did beat the Mexicans in the 1860's, but only after achieving a 6-1 numerical advantage.

I'm going to correct myself since this really wasn't a victory in the end. Mexico city was temporily captured, but the French ultimately did lose.

[wildandcrazyrussian]

This, of course, explains how and why the French had a worldwide empire (most of western Africa, half of the current United States, Vietnam and Cambodia); and how under Napoleon they controlled all of Europe except Russia, which then led Napoleon's pridefulness to the 1812 invasion.

[canuck_conservative]

Great!!

Of corse, let's also not forget "The White Tourist's Guide to South-Central L.A." or Michael Moore's "Guide to Personal Human Hygiene".