Posted on 09/06/2002 5:33:20 PM PDT by zapiks44
History of French "Warfare"
Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius Caesar as their new leader) Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French, replaced by the Franks *sigh*)
Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat. Notice it was done by a German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks) Franks vs. Themselves - Clovis unites Franks into one kingdom around 511 A.D. He dies and the 'kingdom' falls apart at the seams. Ever hear of naming a successor or how bout a will?
Franks vs. Muslims - Charles Martel defeats a SMALL Muslim raiding party at the Battle of Tours in 732 A.D. Muslims lost interest so Charles claimed a 'great victory'. Notice they didn't follow up and kick the Muslims out of Spain though.....
Franks vs. Franks - Charlemagne crowned 'Emperor of the Romans', Christmas 800 A.D. Again this 'empire' fell apart by 840 A.D. - sheesh. Charlemagne could read but couldn't write - now what sense does that make?
Franks vs. Vikings - From 841 to 911 A.D. the Viking Warrior-Badasses mopped the Frankish countryside with Frank ass. France surrenders Normandy to Vikings 911 A.D. (Stupid mid-evil France was easily bullied by real warriors)
Franks vs. Black Death - 1347 - 1350 A.D. Black Death kills Frenchies good. This plague was said to originate in Mongolia, from the vermin. BUT, we all know it HAD to have came from the filthy French swine.
France vs. England - 100 Years War 1337 - 1453 A.D. Battle of Crecy - 1337 A.D. (English hand the French their own asses in the start of the 100 Years War with the timely use of the longbow. French knights are mowed down like the cannon fodder they were.) Battle of Poitiers, 1356 A.D. - More of the same. Battle of Agincourt, 1415 A.D. - Henry V gets some French butt-whoopin' action. Unfortunately, a heretic freak named Joan of Arc came along and united all the French Frogs and they managed to repel the English. And we all know where that got her....TOASTY. France vs. World Culture - Renaissance starts in Italy circa 1200's, NOT IN FRANCE.
France vs. World Exploration/Economics - Commercial Revolution starts - major players are England, Spain, and Portugal. Notice who ISN'T on that list?
France vs. France - 1572 A.D. St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre by Queen Catherine. She killed thousands of protestants and Jews. Hrm...that sounds really familiar - the FINAL SOLUTION ring any bells? Evidently these bastards were no better than Nazi Germany and yet they are proud of their heritage?
France vs. Europe - War of Spanish Succession 1648 A.D. (France tries to fight rest of Europe over Spain and looses to Frederick William of Germany) France vs. Europe - 7 Years War or French Indian War 1756 A.D. (France gets beat up on 2 different continents by England and Germany plus the early future Americans - a guy named George Washington ring any bells?)
France vs. France - French Revolution 1789 - 1799A.D. (France kicks their own asses) Dr. Guillotine makes a handy invention that allows the Frenchies to chop off their own heads with amazing speed - thanks Jacobin Republicans!
France vs. Europe - Waterloo 1815 A.D. (Wellington delivers knockout to Napoleon - 2nd time. This comes AFTER the Russian Winter destroyed the largest army in the World and the U.S. conned old Nappy in the Louisiana Purchase - WHAT A BARGAIN!)
France vs. France - French Revolution (again) 1848 A.D. (France is still kicking their own asses on a smaller scale)
France vs. Mexico - late 1860s - early 1870s A.D. - France conquers Mexico. Wow! Amazing. What an accomplishment. Funny though, when the U.S. decided to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words told France to get the HELL out of our side of the world, they tucked tail and ran.
France vs. Prussia - Franco-Prussian War 1870 A.D. (William I of Germany kicks the teeth out of Napoleon III - good old Willy proclaims himself emperor of Germany at the Palace of Versailles - can you say bitchslap?) This all started because France opposed the unification of Germany - notice this starts a nasty chain of events that doesn't end till 1945......seems to me we can almost chalk up WWI and II on the dumbass French.
France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the hell out of France - without the aid of USA, France would be speaking German. France only won because of Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass sore-winners in France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of Versailles to 'punish' the Germans. Notice the resulting conditions of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER.
France vs. Germany - Rise of Hitler 1933-1939 A.D. (Germany bullies France into letting them take more territory - the wussies wouldn't even fight over it - they adopted a policy of 'appeasement' - can you say SCARED?)
France vs. Germany Round II - WWII June 22, 1940 A.D. (France surrenders to Hitler at Compiegne after putting up a fight that made Polish Army look good. Notice Vichy France who quickly jumped ship to be friends with the Germans. And once again without the help of good old Uncle Sam the Atlantic Wall would never have been penetrated - France would either be a part of the 3rd Reich or a satellite country of Communist Russia under Uncle Joe Stalin)
France vs. Vietcong - Vietnam 1954 A.D. (French Army at Dien Bien Phu surrender to Ho Chi Minh) Nuff Said.
MORAL: Even before Jesus walked the face of the Earth, the French have been getting their asses kicked. The smelly, cheese eating, fu-fu dressing French can't fight worth a damn. You TOO can conquer France!
Their only fine accomplishment.....cept for popularizing the Bikini.
After we secure their vinyards and wineries we should let the Iraqis take the rest of the country.
Bump.
Bump and the world would be much better off if the old KaiserReich won WWI but it should be noted that many of the most pernicious provisions of the treaty of Versailles bore the stamp of our worst President ever. I would have Bill Clinton rule as a king for 100 years rather than suffer a term of Woodrow Wilson.
If I were French, I would feel compelled to kick my own ass too.
They were smart enough not to come out and play. Let's see what happens this time.
But Algeria does have a place to send its Arab/Muslim malcontents - France.
Nuff Said.
a.cricket
Also, it is simply off to say that Martel defeated a "raiding party." He completely stopped Muslim expansion, because they had no answer for his massed infantry (the "wall of steel") or his stirruped-cavalry.
I personally believe that the better part of France must have been lost during their violent revolution in which they tried to emulate, but sadly betrayed, most everyting this country stands for.
While traveling in Europe 2 years ago, I took my family through France. The only rule was that we would not spend a dime there. Instead, we lunched in a very charming town in Belgium -- Brugge.
At the days end, and after explaining why my wife and I detested the French, I asked my young sons to remember that day. That if they ever pass through France they should never contribute any money to that miserable economy or its thankless people.
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions
Classic!!
LOL! I went to Paris on a tour from England while I was stationed there and bought all my souviners at the American Embassey.
At Yorktown, the vast majority of "Washington"s" Franco-American Army consisted of French soldiers. The French fleet prevented the British fleet from reinforcing or evacuating Cornwallis's Army. The French general graciously allowed Washington to accept Cornwallis's surrender. There is no way we could have won that battle by ourselves. Of course we dare not say that in our history books.
On a single day in October of 1806, Napoleon crushed the Prussian Army with two hammer blows at Jena-Auerstadt. The Prussian army simply disintegrated. Intact Fortesses surrendered to summons from cavalry troopers. Not too shabby of an accomplishment against the best trained army in the World.
The French probably fought about a hundred pitched battles during Revolutionary and Napoleonic Wars 1792-1815, winning about 80% of all the battles. No one I know has matched that record against opponents who possessed the same technology.
If the American Army of May 1940 had faced the German Army they would have folded in 6 days not 6 weeks like the French did.
Actually, George Washington's major accomplishment in the French and Indian War was a humiliating defeat at the hands of the French.
Yep. When it rained, his stores of gunpowder got soaked, rendering them useless. Washington was forced, without an interpreter, to sign a document assigning him the blame for starting the war.
This post is filled with garden variety stupidity, but this paragraph is breathtakingly stupid.
The war that ended with the peace of Westphalia in 1648 was the Thirty Years War, not the War of Spanish succesion. In the 30 yrs war, the French Bourbons completely vanquished the Austrian/Spanish Hapsburgs and established themselves as the dominant power in Europe.
In the War of the Spanish Succession (that ended in with the peace of Utrecht in 1713) the French, despite having to fight nearly alone against almost all of Europe, ended up getting exactly what they wanted (a submissive Bourbon dynasty in Spain) while the erstwhile Spanish allies basically got screwed.
As regards Washington, France, the Seven Years War and surrender, we don't want to go there, either. Washington surrendred to the French and then confessed to war crimes in a document written in French (which he could not read.)
And finally, your analysis of the first World War... well...
What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. . . . may God have mercy on your soul.
- Billy Madison
Is that monkey actually eating CHEESE!?!?! Tell me yes! Please! Sacre bleu!
If only we could convince them to stick to wine and cheese and the ancienne cuisine (and perhaps some literature, Hugo and Stendhal for choice) and lose the warfare and politics . . . .
And Karl Der Grosse is regarded with great reverence as a German. Later, the kingdom split into two.
I think it also worth noting that one of the reasons Germany fought France in WWI was over lands held by France that were occupied by German-speaking peoples. Specifically the Loire Region, west of the Rhine. Thus, one might argue that the Frankish Kingdom was more a part of Germany, even in what is now France, than it ever was France.
Honestly, as an American of German ancestry, I have long wondered what gene pool mixed into the French character that made the French such wooses.
Maybe it was the snails they ate.
Either that or a Ritz cracker...that used to have cheese on it.
Taken from Charlemagne the King:
An biography from Will Durant's
STORY OF CIVILIZATION
1950
What doomed France? A theory occurs to me. Conscription in the 19th century was accompanied with spreading use of condoms. Birth control suited the French character, which was pleasure loving and tightfisted about money and inheritances, but it cost France the numbers and dynamism at a time when Germany was on the rise. Swelling numbers made other countries strive and hustle while the French were enjoying themselves (comparatively speaking) and living off the fruits of their earlier labors.
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