Lights, camera, attack!

WorldNetDaily ^ | 3-10-03 | Doug Powers

[WrightOnTarget]

As war appears imminent, there is a particular group of people who are getting the jitters, full of nervous anticipation about what's to come. They're wondering if all their training will pay off, if they've got the proper equipment and if they've adequately planned for every contingency. We'll find out shortly, for the media will soon get the green light to begin "Operation Infinite Coverage."

Those in the television, radio and newspaper business have had over a year to prepare for the upcoming conflict coverage, and they're not planning to let us down.

Peter Jennings is preparing the perfectly rumpled shirt, complete with top button undone and sleeves rolled up, in a futile effort to try and fool us into believing that a Canadian is actually losing sleep over any of this.

Dan Rather is working on the granddaddy of all metaphors. This could be his last biggie, and he knows it. Dan is now more than likely in his bathrobe, staring into a mirror and practicing lines like, "Hussein's regime collapsed like the four-inch heel on an Anna Nicole Smith pump" and "the planes are buzzing over Iraq like flies on a Texas cow flop."

Rather has recently returned from Iraq, where he had hoped to stare evil straight in the face, but to his disappointment, Sean Penn had already left. Some have criticized Rather for the wiffle-ball nature of his chat with Hussein, but we should at least acknowledge the dangers he faced. For example, while heading toward Baghdad for the interview, Rather was nearly killed in a head-on collision with a flock of fleeing "human shields."

Tom Brokaw will anchor the NBC desk in New York and exude journalistic command presence as he juggles live reports from around the globe and silently prays that he won't have to say "the liberation of Sulaimany." In the background, we'll see a hectic newsroom, giant maps of the Middle East, four-dozen hardcover copies of "The Greatest Generation" and Brian Williams spiking Brokaw's coffee with Phenobarbital and vodka while taking measurements for a new desk.

The folks at CNN are in a panic, frantically trying to figure out whose side they're on. Wolf Blitzer is attempting to fly to the Middle East to cover the war, but is finding it increasingly difficult to get a carry-on bag full of beard trimmers past airport security, and Larry King is ironing his suspenders, which lately always seem to match whatever color-coded terrorism threat level we're on. King plans to go on the air the minute the first missile is launched so Americans can get what they'll no doubt be hungry for – the riveting insights of James Van Praagh and LaToya Jackson.

FOX News is going full-scale leg wax and lip-gloss for this one. The women of FOX, who are responsible for more hearts skipping a beat than a cheap methamphetamine lab, are gearing up the short skirts and push-up bras to make this a war to remember. Hopefully, our troops overseas have access to FOX News, so their female anchors can serve as the Betty Grables of the new millennium. Soon, they may even be painted on the nose of a B-52 – immortalized forever as a gigantic bomber, perhaps with a name such as "Ready to Dhue battle" – rumbling down a Diego Garcia runway to protect our freedom, way of life and the right to watch hot news-anchor women.

As for newspapers, the Los Angeles Times, Boston Globe, Miami Herald and all the rest already have the post-attack headlines written.

"Iraq Attaq!"

"Saddam-ized!"

"Baghdad Bagged!"

"Tariq Aziz has sex-change operation, marries self." (Weekly World News only)

Back in television, the graphics and sound people have been working overtime trying to achieve what engineers refer to as "audio-visual Nirvana." The perfect symmetry between the visual graphic and the sound made when the "America at war" banner races onto the screen.

With the news media being granted unprecedented access to the invasion, coverage promises to be long, in depth and, in keeping with tradition, often stupid. Get ready to hear great questions at press conferences, such as, "General, you've said that most of the Shias are in the south. My question to you is this – are they on spring break?" Also, at some point you just know you'll hear a reporter ask if our planes are encountering any resistance from flying carpets.

We're now dangerously close to "Operation Infinite Coverage." The graphics, catchy phrases, nifty-looking maps, "expert" guests and, most importantly, the reporters' and anchors' hair, are ready to go. Actual information? Oh, I'm sure they'll get to that ... all in good time.

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Doug Powers is a freelance writer whose work has been read by millions of Internet denizens.

[TomServo]

lol - great article. And so true.

[demnomo]

If it weren't for articles like this and my frequent Mark Steyn pings, I'd be going bonkers by now. I need some humor to lighten up my dark and, at times, infuriated mood with the UN, leftists, Hollywood limousine liberals, commie peaceniks and other assorted jerks...

[Extremely Extreme Extremist]

If there's one thing I like about Rather, it's his sometimes witty use of words and metaphors.

[ServesURight]

Love the SNL parodies of him, especially during a March Madness skit where he's comparing the teams to an election.

[demnomo]

Check this out. It ain't exactly Steyn, but dang near close. It cheered me up a bit. (Talk about "rush to war." It seems like the news outlets are way ahead of the Bush Administration on that regard.)

Sigh. I gotta go and do some stuff. My 5 hour daily limit on FreeRepublic is just about up. I don't want to give the Eric Altermans of the left any more reason to worry about conservative clout via the internet. Oh, yes, I do ;)

[ChadGore]

This is hillarious !

[spodefly]

"Ready to Dhue battle"

Indeed!

[wayoverontheright]

The folks at CNN are in a panic, frantically trying to figure out whose side they're on.

I don't detect any indecision there whatsoever.