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What a kettle of nettles!

Hmmmmmm

Lord, Your wisdom is clearly needed. Please make it plain to Nick and his fiancee.

If I understand it correctly . . .

1) The pastor of the church you wish to leave, is marrying you.
2) Future mother-in-law attends there.
3) More than you are leaving that church.
4) The pastor of the church you wish to go to and are evidently attending most frequently now--is giving you a guilt trip for not finishing a free website complex set of tasks for him/that church.

OK.

Pretend (A) that you are the pastor of the mother-in-law's church.

(A)
Pastor A, I/we need to clear some relationship things with you.
1) We appreciate that you have agreed to marry us. We are comfortable, blessed, thrilled with that.
2) We wish it were that simple. Alas, we really feel more comfortable at another church. We even feel called to attend that church instead of this one. But we wish to have no ill feelings.
3) Sadly, we are aware that a number of people are leaving this church and that you are human and very likely to have strong feelings about us leaving too. We cannot solve the problems regarding _______________ we do feel it would be wise for you to prayerfully consider these points on side (A) _____________________________________ and these points on side (B)_______________________. But frankly, we don't know how easy or quick anyone could solve that set of problems.

4) But we also can't pretend to be remotely responsible for that set of challenges.

5) And, starting a new marriage, a heavy duty college program and trying to do something decent on a very challenging job fully of tons of rejection at best--I am just not up to even facing the challenges the above set of problems present--regardless of how right and righteous either or both sides are.

6) Now, I don't know that there's any great angst or rush to say or do things in the least bit of an unkind way. And, we'd be interested in your suggestions about timing and manner of our changing churches in a more formal or clear way.

. . .

PASTOR (B)

Dear Pastor (B) we are looking forward to committing more fully to your church.

1) As you know, I will be beginning a new marriage, a challenging new university program and a new job full of tons of rejection at best. I really need my church life to be a kind, warm, nurturing, loving place with relatively few demands and a lot of safety.

2) I am serious about finishing the website for you. However, if my timeline is not so comfortable for you--I strongly encourage you to get someone else to finish it. I could recommend these 3 people.

3) At best I could imagine getting the job 90% done by _________________ date. At worst, 50% done by ___________________ date.

4) I'm not in need of any guilt flinging in my direction about it given all the pressures on my life at present. If you feel the need to pressure me about it, then probably I'm not the one to finish it. If you can trust me to do what I can as I can and that that would be comfortable with you, I'm willing to keep chipping away at it.

5) We like your church for this list of reasons:
__________________________________________________

6) We really want to be a meaningful, participating part of your church life. We appreciate the preaching and teaching and programs. But we also REALLY NEED to keep our relationship with you clear and clothed in Christ's love and understanding as well as mutual support from the beginning.

7) So, we will try and do our best to communicate toward that end and hope and trust you will, too.

Nick,

You will likely feel like being less bold and candid unless I am guessing wrong. You might could soften some of the language though I don't know about that. Maybe not.

I wouldn't try to be less candid. Usually it doesn't work. It just delays hard feelings and makes them worse. Besides, The Bible seems to say we need to go to bed on clear relationships--or even not allow the sun to go down on clogged up relationships.

You certainly need everything clear you can get and keep clear given all you have outlined on your plate.

I wouldn't exactly recommend loans given the end times--especially Fed insured govgt loans for education. But the idea of telemarketing and a new marriage and a new church and a new univ program that's not likely to be super easy. . . . how much emotional etc. resiliance and toughness do you have--not do you aspire to--but do you have?

How quickly do you bounce back from disappointments?

How much do you take things personally that are not your problem?

How much of a people-pleaser are you?

How much of a perfectionist?

How much do you try and keep EVERYONE AROUND YOU happy at your expense?

You reallllllllllllllllllllly do NOT need to set yourself up to crash and burn at the beginning of a new marriage.

If you are some flavor of an emotional/psychological/relational tender-hearted but TOUGH MARINE--I suppose--I should just say GOPHER BAROQUE!

But if you're not--you may need to deliberately lay in some adjustments and tenaciously stick to them.

Blessings,