USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Chaplin Service and Sunday Liberty ~ April 20 2003

Hi Tonk, everyone!

The following is a prayer I have just finished writing for my mother a little while ago. I wish everyone here a very blessed and joyous Easter.

Beloved Heavenly Father,

You have granted us on this day the understanding that you have given us a Messiah, a Savior. You have sent to us our Lord, Jesus, who is the Christ manifest for us all. We are here before you on bended knee praising you and thanking you for this immeasurable gift. Because He lived a life of perfect grace and strength we have hope. Father, please surround with light all of your sons and daughters throughout the world. Help all to become acquainted with this magnificent Savior.

We commend into your keeping the US and coalition troops who are in harm's way. We ask for miracles for them in time of danger. Bless and guide our President and all our elected leaders. Bless all who are seeking to bring about a new representative government in both Afghanistan and Iraq. Bless all teachers and those who care for the young. Bless the doctors and nurses and all who care for the sick. We ask for miracles of healing for those who are sick or injured. Father, protect the smallest of babies who are seeking life at the portals of birth. Comfort and give courage to the oldest ones who are perched on the edge of infinity as they ponder the lives they have completed living. Give wings to these who are seeking life and who are returning to you from life. For those of us who are here in the midst of the drama, grant us wisdom and the grace to find and follow the Plan you have developed for us.

We ask you Father to intercede and mitigate according to thy will in any and all situations which could be potentially disastrous for life. Please intercede into any and all plans, plots, or preparations for terroristic activities against innocent life. Place your hand into the earth and let the fault lines and volcanoes dissipate their energies with a minimum of loss of life and destruction of property. We ask that you will calm the waters of the floods and tidal waves. Pacify and send the winds of the hurricanes and tornadoes over waters and lands which are uninhabited. Calm the storms by your grace and will. Dampen the wildfires when they rage across a dry landscape. Reach into the heavens and use your divine calculus to spare our earth from being harmed by any meteor or asteroid. We plead for the continued grace of life on this earth. We plead for opportunity.

We are grateful Our Father, for the opportunity and gifts you have given us this day. You have given us family and friends. You have provided air, water, food, and a place to sleep. Father, for those who do not have these basic gifts, we ask that you will grant them to those in need. Help us to use all the gifts from your hands wisely and well.

We are in awe as we witness the miracle of new life coming forth in the spring time. Help us to experience a resurrection in our own lives; a renewal of faith and hope; a renewal of peace.

Father, we thank you and ask that only your will be done in our lives this day and all the days of our lives.
Amen

Here's some jokes I ran across. Gonna lay them here and go take a walk before you start throwing those left-over Easter eggs at me!!

Especially for you, Tomkow!!:
Roses are red

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I'm schizophrenic

And so am I

Juicy Squirt

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

I See You!

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Assembly Required

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

Closer to God

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Lost with Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."

Some words of Wisdom, from my "voices":

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All
you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is
up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people
just don't care back

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and
only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15
minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the
best others can do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's
important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there
are always two sides.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become
the person I want to be.

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is
to think.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you
think you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no
matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it
controls you.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has
to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the
consequences.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to
kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you
get back up.

I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my
grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the
right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right
to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love
you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what
types of experiences you've had and what you've learned
from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've
celebrated.

I've learned that you should never tell a child her
dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more
humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she
believed it

I've learned that your family won't always be there for
you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related
to can take care of you and love you and teach you to
trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone
is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven
by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive
yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is
broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may
have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for
who we become.

I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm
forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it
doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just
because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the
individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we
understand that friends change.

I've learned that if you don't want to forget something,
stick it in your underwear drawer.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out
a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones
with the most holes in them.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your
children, they will eventually get hurt and you will
hurt in the process.

I've learned that there are many ways of falling and
staying in love.

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who
are honest with themselves, get farther in life.

I've learned that many things can be powered by the
mind, the trick is self-control.

I've learned that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost
at the times you need them most.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter
of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find
the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease
emotional pains.

I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all
that is offered to us.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make
you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care most about in
life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that although the word "love" can have
many different meaning, it loses value when overly used.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw
the line between being nice and not hurting people's
feelings and standing up for what you believe.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.