SOUTHERN ADVICE

Mason Dixon | long ago | common knowledge

[RedBloodedAmerican]

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Edwin Edwards.

The North has an ambulance .. The South has an am-a-lance.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

[MEG33]

"Ya'll come back,now"...doesn't meant to "come here at once"!It means we're glad you came here to shop and hope you come again.

[anotherdubya]

I had a friend that asked a "northern girl" one simple question "geet"? I had to translate for her very slowly after she asked what he was saying...

"Did You Eat"?

The look on her face was pricless!

[justalurker]

aint that supposed to read the North has craps and the South has crawfish?

---

Nope, southern lobster is a crawfish.
A crab, is a crab.

[TheBigB]

We don't care how you did it up North

Bears repeating.

[RedBloodedAmerican]

"Bless your heart" = Thank God I am not in your shoes!

[justalurker]

Djeet?
Yesem.

[RedBloodedAmerican]

Mr Ducks? Mr Not Ducks.

[Focault's Pendulum]

"Bless your heart" = Thank God I am not in your shoes!

Don't threaten me!!!!! I might just come down there and visit you! I mean it...I'm getting ready to buy an RV and join the Travellers.

btw.....You got a product code for Win3.1????

[HoustonCurmudgeon]

Maybe I'm located a little too far west from the Deep South,

Dog Gone, you're too far west IN HOUSTON, not the South. Come with me to the East side of town one day and we'll fix you up with a mess of greens! ;-)

[RedBloodedAmerican]

I'm getting ready to buy an RV

Oh sure. Go ahead and one-up our Governors Mansion. Geeze.

[HoustonCurmudgeon]

All y'all better be fixin' to read this mess.

[Flyer]

I, for one, will not be party to such intolerance and trashing of cultural idiosyncrocies.

.

.

Hey y'all, look. I can imitate a yankee!

[Focault's Pendulum]

Oh sure. Go ahead and one-up our Governors Mansion. Geeze.

Ok!!!!OK!!!!....I'll tent it!

Wait...your governor didn't just buy the three room roomy tent at K Mart did he?....It needs to be seam sealed.

On second thought...forget I said that.

[Still Thinking]

Geet?

Jew?

[Prof Engineer]

ping

[azhenfud]

"Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store."

On the way to Oak Island the other day, I passed a store whose sign said "COFFEE and WORMS". Kinda unsettling for the stomach....

[Humidston]

We spent two years on Lowng Island and people there crack me up because they all tawlk like Joey Buttafuccio (sp) and never pronounce their R's.

I'd say something in public and one of the natives would exclaim, "Whea you from?? You Tawk Funny!"

Yeah, riiiight!

[lonestar]

In the first place, you find the only edible collard greens in the produce dept. Collard greens in a can or frozen would be comparable to frozen or canned spinach. I only eat fresh spinach.

If you've never had turnip/mustard/collard greens and cornbread, I pity you.

[gitmo]

I'm getting ready to buy an RV and join the Travellers.

You mean you're fixin to buy an RV and join the Travellers.

[azhenfud]

Even funnier to watch a New South Yankee wizzle and wilt in the heat and humidity of the South. Seems they take a while to find a lower gear or something....