Allah Declares Virgin Shortage; Announces Recruiting Drive

Holy Books | September 12, 2003 | nwrep

[nwrep]

OLD WALLED CITY: Speaking to reporters at a press conference called during his trip to the Middle East, Allah today said that there is an acute shortage of virgins in paradise.

"The stock of virgins, carefully cultivated since the middle ages, is now facing a rapid decline. This has presented us with our most serious situation in a millenium", he said, in response to a question. The extraordinary popularity of suicide terrorism, beginning in the 1970s, was to blame, he suggested.

"Martyrs can no longer assume they will get all 72 virgins promised unto them in the scriptures, and will have to wait, sometimes for long periods of time, to get the divinely promised quota", he warned.

NEW RECRUITMENT STRATEGY

However, to remedy the situation, Allah also announced greater emphasis in recruitment drives for virgins, as well as a new strategy which takes advantage of resources that had traditionally not been tapped.

"We are ready to dip into the vast pool of virgins available in the western world", he said, while handing out photographs shown below as examples.

[nwrep]

ping

[freeangel]

Uh, I don't think so--but that boy over there is mighty tempting.

[dts32041]

BFLD

[lizma]

I've always wondered about this. Is it 72 for each or far all?

Lot of room for crude, well deserved, irony.

[calljack]

Since the virgin storage bins are arrainged as "first in last out", we are getting down to the last few hundred virgins. They went into storage about 2200 years ago. They are hungry and all need to shower. The shower part is very disappointing to the arriving men. Whata gonna do??

[Rabid Dog]

Most amusing!!

[Arkady]

Oh, blues for allah!
Good luck finding enough virgins in the West.
Maybe they should follow historical-precedent and try young boys, plus this would have the added benefit of fullfilling female-martyrs.
Of course,if they have their way, there will be plenty of young orphans to choose from.

[RippleFire]

Good news, the problem's solved!

[TightyRighty]

Here's a cutie

[Arkady]

"What do you get if you cross an islamofascist with a camel? A muslim that will hump anything!"

[dk/coro]

Well, one thing for certain: Those virgins missed Olongapo during my membership in the Tonkin Gulf Yacht Club in the late '60's. Dam### !!

All we could find were Roseanne-type retreads. And, just think...not just One, but 72!! To a man, The Seventh Fleet sailors would have been in their own self-defined Heaven !!

Oh, well. Timing is everything !! Have a great weekend, one and all.

[Knightsofswing]

What??? Is there a shortage of Roman Catholic Nuns in Heaven?!?!?! LOL

That is the 72 virgins that a mayartar gets........

[Myrddin]

I've always wondered about this. Is it 72 for each or far all?

It's the same 72 virgins for everyone. They are so ugly that they will be virgins in perpetuity. Helen Thomas is a goddess by comparison. Tennis elbow will be an eternal health crisis.

[Cheapskate]

I dont know, The black haired girl with the pink top , in the second picture looks alright.
send the rest of them to Osama though

[July 4th]

Well, at least it's not Tub Girl.

[DonQ]

OK, so there's a shortage of houris. What about ghilman? What is/are ghilman you ask? (I don't know if the word is singular or plural) It turns out that, in addition to the 72 dark-eyed white-skinned virgins, the blessed of Allah are also supposed to get a stable of 24 (or 28) beautiful "pearl-like" young boys. Yes, young boys. I don't know just how young or what a Moslem hero is supposed to use them for .... and one of the genuine Islamic websites made a point of dodging that question.

[cyborg]

I'm telling mrs. cheapskate

[I still care]

OK, most everyone has read this one, but just in case they haven't, it's too good to miss...


After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by GeorgeWashington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defence!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What the heck did you think I said?"

[TruthShallSetYouFree]

I don't know just how young or what a Moslem hero is supposed to use them for

I'm guessing "under twelve" and "anal sex." But, I'm just guessing.