Free Republic

ATLANTA, Ga. -- Forget what you've heard from the doom-and-gloom crowd -- the Apocalypse foretold in the Holy Bible won't really be so bad, a leading theologian says. Bible scholar Dr. Parker Creaston believes that, contrary to widespread belief, the Apocalypse will entail a brief period of "mild to moderate" disorder followed swiftly by worldwide peace and harmony. "I'm tired of seeing so-called experts whip people into a state of hysteria -- and get rich from books that play on the public's worst fears," said Dr. Creaston, who outlines his views in a thought-provoking pamphlet entitled The Apocalypse: Why Worry?...

CROCKETT'S BLUFF, AR – In a startling collision of modern technology and ministry, Crockett's Bluff Community Church is the first known church in America to use Logitech's biochip technology to receive its weekly tithes and offerings. According to last year's church theme - "Be ID'd With CBCC in '03" - the congregation of 15,782 outfitted each member of its flock with a subdermal microchip in the right hand. The device, smaller than a mustard seed, contains the banking information of each worshipper and is scanned by an usher as he or she enters the sanctuary. Pastor Bud Caldwell readily admits...

Witnesses stunned; experts skeptical BLOOMINGTON, IN – Yesterday In what is widely regarded as the first success story of its kind, a local man actually led his friend to faith in Jesus Christ using a gospel tract. Local ironworker Bill Spaulding was overjoyed that his witness had borne fruit: "Dan [Foley, converted friend] has always been skeptical about religion. But somehow the topic came up, and I figured I'd give it a try. I'm glad I had that tract handy. It really made a lifelong faith commitment to Jesus Christ seem simple." Witnesses of the event were shocked by Foley's...

“Bush Elected, Work Done,” Say Christian Conservatives DAYTON, OH – With the presidential election decided in favor of George W. Bush, millions of evangelical Christians have returned to a state of political inertia, experts say. Content that their man will be inaugurated for a second term this January, these believers are gladly disengaging from the political process for another four years. “Well, that should just about do it,” said Ryan Alcorn, scraping the W'04 bumper sticker off the rear window of his Dodge Caravan. “All this political activity has really left me exhausted. I’m so glad I don’t have to...