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A German lawyer is filing a lawsuit against American and British soldiers for treating captured German soldiers' copies of Mein Kampf "like a rented mule" during the Second World War. According to sources close to the case, the lawyer, a man named Wolfgang Kleinerschmidt, has become emboldened by recent reports of Americans abusing the Koran. Mr. Kleinschmidt sees "a potential goldmine" in legal compensation for soldiers who had their "guiding texts cruelly neglected." Mein Kampf, presently a popular text in Turkish bazaars, was Adolf Hitler's foray into literature before he attempted world domination. The book describes the author's anguish over...

John Kerry Votes For, Against Tsunami Aid 1/6/2005 - Matt Myford In a move eerily reminiscent of the infamous $87 billion controversy during the presidential campaign, Senator John Kerry voted against a tsunami relief package immediately after voting for it. The curious vote occurred yesterday in the Senate, amid puzzled looks from Kerry's fellow Democrats and "outright chuckles and guffaws" from Repbulicans. Kerry moved quickly to explain his non-position, giving a lengthy speech that "had almost everyone asleep in less than 10 minutes." Kerry made a now-famous blunder in the last presidential race trying to explain how he voted for...

Preparations for an ACLU-only area in Hell are nearly complete, underground construction sources said yesterday. The area, more than 3 square miles of "hotter than usual" turf, will hold members of the American Civil Liberties Union, an organization whose sole objective is the elimination of Christmas from public life. "There's a mini-volcano there burping up hot lava and everything," said an anonymous representative of Otherwordly Construction, Inc. The company recently sold its soul to the devil for the exclusive, no-bid offer of expanding Hell. The construction project is believed to be the first known addition to Hell since the 1940s,...

Plans drawn up by the Blue States to secede from the United States were scrapped yesterday, as would-be militant separatists realized "it's kinda hard to secede when you don't own any guns." The "Blue States" – the U.S. coastal areas and a few states in the Upper Midwest that traditionally vote Democratic – are feeling increasingly isolated and some Blue State People openly called to secede from the rest of the "God-fearin', sister-marryin', (and here's the key) gun-totin' Red States. "When we were making fun of those Red State hicks," said a Blue Stater, "we never realized that, to secede,...

The records of Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry's 1988 divorce from Wall Street heiress Julia Thorne were unsealed yesterday, revealing that Kerry has always been a condescending and uninteresting prick. It is uncertain whether revelations of sexual "JFK" role-playing and narcissistic orgasms will hurt his presidential campaign. Unlike Jack Ryan, whose Senate campaign was derailed when his divorce records revealed that he pressured ex-wife Jeri Ryan to attend sex clubs, Kerry's divorce records reveal a rather pedestrian, if not somewhat ego- and Kennedy-centric sex life. Thorne swore under oath that Kerry, "often made me dress up like Jackie O ['Nassis]...

Brokennewz has obtained documentation proving that the ultra-evil Vice President Dick Cheney and his minions as Halliburton Company (NYSE: SATAN) have entered into secret negotiations with Theresa Heinz-Kerry to grow ketchup-producing tomatoes in Iraq, should John Kerry be elected president. The documentation proves that Vice President Dick Cheney and his "former" company are bent upon world domination. The documentation was sent to Brokennewz though an Iraqi source who called himself Ahmad al-Huntz, who works for the Ministry of Iraqi Tomatoes. He claims his motive for exposing the deal is to have, "a fair and equal division of Iraqi tomato fields...

Washington, DC - CBS News is reporting that records obtained by a Freedom of Information Act request indicate that President George W. Bush skipped the annual Houston Kiwanis Pancake Breakfast on January 25, 1972. This occurred at a time in which the future President was a member of the Executive Board of the Houston Kiwanis. "George Bush was AWOL in 1972," said Democrat challenger John Kerry last night during a campaign rally in Massachusetts, a key battleground state in Kerry's attempt to top Walter Mondale's 1984 electoral vote tally. "While I was throwing away my medals and meeting with the...

Some U.N. election monitors preparing to help conduct Iraqi elections in January think elections are a good idea, a memo stated yesterday. The monitors, from North Korea, Cuba, Vietnam, Iran, and other dictatorships, will assist Iraqis elect a new leader in four months, depending on how quickly the U.S.-led coalition can arrange meetings between barbaric, blood-soaked terrorists and untold virgins. Some rumblings from the U.N. also hint the organization will monitor U.S. elections this November – ostensibly to prevent fraud, but in reality to "somehow twist the votes around so our boy Kerry becomes president." "Elections...yeah, now that seems kinda...

Teresa Heinz-Kerry gave reporters an earful Thursday, telling a Wendy’s cook to “go to hell” in five different languages. During a campaign stop in Natrona Heights, Pennsylvania, Heniz- Kerry, wife of Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, ordered a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. Campaign aides say the burger was “soggy” and “lacked sufficient mayonnaise.” Ms. Heinz-Kerry took two bites, threw the burger down on her tray, and “stormed up to the register” with “a look that could’ve burned a hole in the ozone layer.” She immediately called out the cook, Casimir Budzinski, and proceeded to call him “very nasty words in English,...

PORTLAND, Oregon – Fending off a potentially election-wrecking Green Party candidacy of consumer advocate Ralph Nader, John Kerry has admitted to members of the Oregon chapter of the Sierra Club that he is, in fact, an “Ent”. “I think back fondly,” reminisced Kerry, “to a time when being a tree was a safe way to go through life. Birds would nest comfortably upon my brow. My leaves would turn beautiful shades of gold and bronze and plum. The forest, my home, was a happy place.” Speaking at a fund-raiser in Portland, Kerry talked about the prejudices “big business” has against...

A cannibalistic tribe in the Amazon has said U.S. foreign policy “makes us eat other tribes” and would like rotund documentary filmmaker Michael Moore to document their plight. The tribe’s spokesperson, Aoolu “Chewy” Anaxatar, declined to explain what specific U.S. policies caused his tribe to devour other people. He “just heard this Moore fellow would come running down here” if someone started complaining about America. “Even if he doesn’t want to do the documentary,” Anaxatar said, “we’d still love to have him for dinner!” Moore has reportedly said he finds the culture “fascinating” and also remarked just because Mr. Anaxatar’s...

Michael Moore's film "Fahrenheit 9/11" smashed box office records, making more money on an opening weekend than any other documentary in history. "This film was definitely more exciting than 'Fahrenheit 9/10," says Roger Ebert, who gave the film two thumbs straight up his own ass. "Oh, the film is just lovely," says moviegoer Amelia Gonzalez. "I really liked the way he based everything on reality. It gave it a sense of urgency not found in most documentaries. Usually, they have a film with a cheetah or a puma or some other such cat - you know, those big cats? With...

John Kerry Asks for French Help in Surrendering to Al-Qaeda 6/21/2004 - William Grim -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paris - Democrat presidential candidate John F. Kerry said yesterday that if elected President he will ask France to help the United States surrender to Al-Qaeda. “The French have a glorious tradition of giving up whenever the going gets tough,” said Senator Kerry. “The French are so wonderfully unprincipled, unlike most Americans. A Frenchman would rather stab his grandmother in the back rather than do the right thing. As President, I want America to follow France’s lead and become completely spineless, craven, duplicitous and morally...

Washington , D.C. – President Reagan has declared he will put forth every effort to end hostilities with Russia . “We shall put an end to the evil looming over our shoulders. We will not longer live in fear with our neighbors across the sea.” Sen. Ted Kennedy has represented many Democratic voices that fear ending the Cold War will have many environmental impacts. “Many emissions and gases are up in the clouds, making holes.” Said Kennedy. “That is why it is so hot. We need cold so it is not so hot. Ending the cold war will only make...

Vatican City - A visibly angry Pope John Paul II told reporters today that he has “done the ecumenical thing but now it’s time to take off the gloves and start up a new Crusade.” The Holy Father said that he didn’t think that Muslims were serious about “reform” and cited his recent dialogues with Muslim leaders as being “a lot of hot air.” “Talk, talk, talk, but do I see any action? Nooooooooo,” said the Pontiff. “Religion of peace, my a**. If they want a jihad, we’ll give ‘em a jihad.” An army of 10 million soldiers is assembling...

Undisclosed Location, Afghanistan)-- Leaders of Al-Qaeda announced today that they are officially backing Massachusetts Senator John F. “Frenchy” Kerry in the 2004 United States presidential campaign. “We examined very carefully the policies of the candidates of the two major political parties,” said Sheik Ali bin Mooqi, chairman of Al-Qaeda’s Committee for Jihad and Political Outreach, “And we determined that Senator Kerry’s policies are good for Al-Qaeda. We are especially impressed with Senator Kerry’s desire to let the United Nations take over the War Against Terror. Diplomatic dialogue is the terrorist’s best friend, and we are encouraged by Senator Kerry’s embrace...

Good Morning America has released part 2 of the interview with Senator John Kerry over the controversy concerning Kerry's medals over the White House fence. Here is the transcript of the second part of that interview. GIBSON: It is clear that there is no argument that something was thrown, can we assume this? KERRY: That is correct. GIBSON: When you threw, how far do you think they went? KERRY: Probably thirty or forty feet. When I stood at that fence, I wanted to make my stance clear, my message understood. I was in Vietnam. GIBSON: How bout 3-4 feet...

Washington, DC - Teresa Heinz-Kerry, wife of Democrat presidential frontrunner Senator John Kerry and the widow of the late Senator John Heinz, has lost her estimated $600 million fortune due to speculation in commodities futures, according to a report to be published tomorrow in The Wall Street Journal. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist and Minority Leader Tom Daschle have issued a joint communiqué in which they state that Ms. Heinz-Kerry will no longer be afforded sleeping privileges with senators from either party. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, however, stated during a press conference this morning that Ms. Heinz-Kerry is...

Shi’ite Hole, Iraq - Iraqi Shi’ite insurgent leader Sheik Waqqi bin Sadr apologized today for attacking coalition troops and blamed the mistake on a communications screwup. “I never got the memo about Islam now being the ‘religion of peace.’ My Hotmail account has been jammed up with spam and I must have deleted it by accident. We were still operating under the old rules of Islam being the religion of ignorance, terror, and suppression of basic human rights. I’m glad we got this snafu cleared up and, of course, we’ll pay for all the damages. Fortunately, we’ve got pretty good...