Free Republic

On October 9, 2003, the night before Rush Limbaugh came clean on his drug addiction, I posted the following vanity: With my flame retardant suit snugly on, I must ask if anyone else who listened to Rush today noticed that he seemed to be off his game verbally. Slurring words, using the wrong words incorrectly etc... I heard only the last hour of the show today and it seemed (to me) obvious. AND, it sounded much like he did before his hearing loss when he use to comment on people who'd call to complain that he sounded drunk. My wife,...

<p>The battle for Baghdad got underway Wednesday as U.S. troops advanced on the southern suburbs of the city both on the ground and in the air, breaking up Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard, his best-trained and best-equipped troops. Combined with significant maneuvers by the 3rd Infantry Division in Karbala against the Iraqi Medina Division, the moves are a prelude to a takeover of the capital and the government of Saddam Hussein.</p>

Fri Aug 15, 3:36 PM ET Actor Gary Coleman (news) and adult film actress Mary Carey, both candidates for governor of California in the October 7, 2003 recall election, pose at a press conference in Los Angeles, August 15, 2003. Coleman and Carey are two of the five candidates who will be participating in a televised election spoof on Oct. 1. (Fred Prouser/Reuters)   Email Photo

News Resources News Alerts · Ashton Kutcher · Jay Leno   Entertainment Photos - Reuters Add News Photos to My Yahoo! Prev. | Start | Next Wed Aug 13, 6:24 AM ET Actor Ashton Kutcher (news) (L) shares a laugh with host Jay Leno (news - Y! TV) during his appearance on 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno' at the NBC studios in Burbank, California August 12, 2003. NO SALES REUTERS/Paul Drinkwater/NBC/Handout

NASCAR to Create Separate Racing Leagues for Blacks, Women (and anyone else who complains)By Dred Locke and John W. AlbaneseBSNN.net Headline NewsCRACKEROPLIS, N.C. — NASCAR officials yesterday confirmed that in an effort to combat lingering suspicions that it is the last bastion of white male supremacy it will create two new separate but equal racing leagues. One league, tentatively titled the Bush League, will be open only to women competitors, while the other league, the KFC Bucket Series, will be exclusively for African-American drivers. Company chairman and CEO Bill France Jr. made the announcement after repeated phone calls from Jesse Jackson and...

Palestine to be Admitted to European UnionBy Serge ProtechturBSNN.net Eurotrash Correspondent  Above: Yasser Arafat snacks on flies in his fetid Ramallah swamp. RAMALLAH, WEST BANK —After showing his new EU Stars paw-tattoo, Yasser Arafat told reporters today that "Palestine" will soon be admitted to the European Union. "It's a done deal," said the Arabphibian while snacking on flies in his fetid Ramallah swamp. "We will be admitted to the EU shortly, because we have met all the sanitation, economic, cultural and tolerance standards of the European Union." Surrounded by admiring would-be suicide bombers, the jubilant web-footed terrorist added, "We can blow up civilians...

A Brit Too FarNathan PorterBSNN.net   Happy Independence Day, Loser! If it’s the 4th of July then it must be time for another article about the British. Three years and 1,456,349 page views later, The United Kingdom of Whingers, Wankers, Wusses and Losers continues to make me the most loved and respected American writer most Brits have never of. To this day, I continue to receive daily emails from my many British admirers who prove that when it comes to wit, satire, knowledge of history and an overall mastery of the English language, the most gifted and clever American cannot hold...

California Legislature Orders Gray Davis Hospitalized By Benjamin FranklinsteinBSNN.net Headline News SACRAMENTO - As California plunged into another round of power blackouts this week, and with the state's short-term power bill nearing $4.2 billion,  state representatives passed emergency legislation that would require the bill be paid from Governor Davis' personal fortune. In addition, state lawmakers invoked an obscure 100-year-old lunacy statute allowing them to have a governor institutionalized when that governor's policies are "clearly insane." Lawmakers began discussing the possibility of invoking the lunacy statute after Davis insisted on keeping secret the details of his plans to acquire power.  "I think we...

President Bush Admits Exaggerating IntelligenceBy Mary Jane ShwagWASHINGTON — President Bush admitted today that it is the policy of his administration, like every administration before his, to exaggerate the latest intelligence information about the threat posed by deadly drugs such as marijuana. A top DEA expert on Cannabis told a Congressional committee in closed-door hearings last week that he had been ordered to alter his analysis on the harmful effects of marijuana to conform with the Bush administration's views. The committee was examining questions concerning the Bush administration's handling of Drug War reports that tolerance of marijuana users will lead to...

Mike Tyson Crashes Las Vegas Convention By Greg BoydBSNN.net Headline News Engaged in a heated debate with mathematician John Nash, Mike Tyson argues his point vehemently, saying: “Lissen up, Ho’ cake . .  If you let G be a word hyperbolic group in the sense of Gromov and P its associated Rips complex, then surely you agree that the fixed point set PH is contractible for every finite subgroup . . .`n shit.” LAS VEGAS -- Attendees of the annual MENSA Convention in Las Vegas were enthralled by this year’s surprise keynote speaker, Mike Tyson. When the heavyweight boxer heard that...

Hillary's MustacheBy Harry FollicleBSNN.net Headline News WASHINGTON - It was billed as Hillary Clinton's Journey but it could have been called Hillary Clinton's Mustache, given the excessive amount  of facial hair she sported for her interview with Barbara Walters. The unseemly display prompted Ms. Walters to ask Mrs. Clinton if her health was okay. Senator Rodham Clinton -- whose White House memoir, Living His Story, is published this week -- revealed that she suffers from unwanted facial hair (UFH), a heinous health malady that's caused her to rule out a 2008 presidential bid.Dana Depilatories, President of Mom's Against Facial Hair, said,...

Government Targets Church Message BoardsBy Itaksa PaganBSNN.net Headline News Rev. Gill T. Isgood has admitted to investigators that he attempted to place the entire Sermon on the Mount on his church message board, resulting in the death of a distracted motorist. CORNOPOLIS, IN.--Local police continue their investigation into a Monday afternoon single-car accident that took the life of Mr. Rusty Driver. The accident took place in front of the First Back-Row Baptist Church of Cornopolis, and appears to have resulted from Driver's attempt to read the new message displayed on the church's road sign. "Even though he never set foot...

Bush Plans to Cut French CheeseBy Bill Mar BSNN.net Headline News  This pie chart shows the relative sizes of the major categories of federal income as proposed in the newest Bush Administration budget. WASHINGTON - The federal budget picture is bad and getting worse, the head of the General Accounting Society said Tuesday, and he urged the Bush Administration to take a longer-term look at its tax-cut and spending proposals.The GAS is the nonpartisan investigative arm of Congress capable of reaching deep inside the bowels of government. Its 320,000 employees handle 2 to 5 requests a week from lawmakers, including reports...

I Work, Newsweek Doesn'tBy Nathan PorterBSNN.net  I’m pissed at Newsweek again—shock. Why? Four simple words: “She Works, he doesn’t.” This is the overtly sexist headline the scribes at “America's News Magazine” chose to put on this week’s cover. Their point is to highlight the growing trend of families whose primary breadwinner is the wife. The byline on the article credits Peg Tyre and Daniel McGinn, but judging from the title I think it’s safe to assume that in this relationship Peg is top dog, or, in other words, she works, he doesn’t. As many of you know, I am a...

Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!  By Nathan PorterBSNN.net   Ladies, would you like to have larger breasts? Do you need your sexual pleasure intensified? Guys, would you like to experience the thrill of adding inches to your willard? Would you like longer lasting and firmer erections? Do you like Japanese schoolgirls? Would you like to lose weight without dieting? Are you interested in compiling a net worth of over 1 million in less than 2 years? Do you want to know about the next explosive stock pick? Have you ever thought about opening an offshore bank account? If you answered yes to...

The Conventional Wisdom of Jonathan Alter  By Nathan PorterBSNN.net   Jonathan Alter If eyes are the window to a person's soul then Newsweek columnist Jonathan Alter has a very dark soul. The condescending eyes of Mr. Alter (A/K/A Jonathan Alterboy) must have grown weary and dark the past few weeks as he’s been forced to witness the triumph of George Bush’s judgment over his own. Alter has been cited as one of the nation's most influential media critics. As an editor of Newsweek he helps shape the magazine's overall coverage, which—if you've ever used Newsweek in the bathroom—reveals a lot about...

CNN Recreates 'Closest Image of Jesus Yet' By Saddam GamoraBSNN.net Headline News In a scene from the new CNN documentary,  the newly recreated image of Jesus Christ is escorted by shock-jock Howard Stern during a reenactment of Palm Sunday. ATLANTA — Just in time for Easter sweeps, CNN says it has reconstructed the image of Jesus Christ using new historical research and computer technology, for a new documentary series that will debunk long-held myths about his life, death and resurrection. The image unveiled yesterday — of a white as snow, long-eared man with a furry face and buck teeth —...

td> Ben & Jerry's Release New Wartime FlavorsBy Corey Pieratt PhrawdBSNN.net Headline News LARDASS, VERMONT – Ben and Jerry, everyone's favorite wartime profiteers, announced today that five new fantastic flavors will make their debut in an all-new socially conscious marketing scheme to kick off the company's Peacenik Pops™ line. "Consumers will find the bitter taste and political hypocrisy they love and expect from Ben & Jerry's," said Ms. Holly Wood, Director of Peacenik Marketing and Wartime Profiteering. "Our flavor developers have really outdone themselves this time."  The Peacenik Pops™ flavors are: Ramsberry Clark: Named in honor of Ben and Jerry's...