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Top Ten Taliban Complaints About Camp X-Ray 10. "Three meals a day and none of them are goat" 9. "'Death to America' T-shirts only come in cotton/poly blend" 8. "Can't get used to this whole warm bed, cooked food, running water thing" 7. "Lying American propaganda makes it seem like Taliban is losing" 6. "Television only gets one channel and it's CBS" 5. "Achmed totally stole my skit idea for camp talent show" 4. "Have you seen the bathrooms? I've lived in caves with better facilities" 3. "Haven't gotten one X-ray" 2. "Just because you're a bearded nut in Cuba ...

Related Quotes ^DJI Sunday August 12, 11:25 am Eastern Time Press Release SOURCE: Newsweek Clinton Memoirs 'It May Not Be as Mean as Some People Want it to Be,' Says Clinton 'This Shouldn't Be About Settling Scores But Setting The Record Straight ... I'm Going to Let a Lot of Stuff Go' Deal Actually Worth More Than $12 Million NEW YORK, Aug. 12 /PRNewswire/ -- Former President Bill Clinton, talking privately around New York about his upcoming memoirs, is saying that the book ``may not be as mean as some people want it to be,'' reports Newsweek Columnist Jonathan Alter ...

10.He's so fat, when he appears in public the band plays "Hail To The Beef" 9.He's so fat, the Florida Election Commission is recounting his chins 8.He's so fat, he'll only take money from the Chinese if it comes with egg rolls 7.He's so fat, instead of apples, his students place margarine on his desk 6.He's so fat, the Secret Service has added one agent just to guard his ass 5.He's so fat, his belt gave a concession speech 4.He's so fat, he asked Bush if he can be ambassador to KFC 3.He's so fat, he had one of ...

10.Called Russia asking if they need a new spy 9.When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know" 8.Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera 7.If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying 6.He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat 5."Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay 4.Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore 3.Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife" 2.Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon ...

10."What's on your mind, loser -- I mean, Al?" 9."You cannot tell by the emotionless tone of my voice, but I am very, very ticked off" 8."You lost to a guy dumber than my brother" 7."Is that all you got? Hell, Hillary hits harder than that" 6."If there were an unstained place on the cabinet, I'd wrestle you there" 5."Is your face red because you're angry or are you wearing that debate makeup again?' 4."I won't stay long -- I know you're very, very busy pardoning fugitive billionaires" 3."Don't throw the chair -- I'm planning to steal it for ...

10.When boss says you can't go home till you find a Pat Buchanan voter 9.Response sheet has boxes for "yes" and "no" -- but not "bite me" 8.Every Christmas, the same gift from Gallup: a crappy Radio Shack calculator 7.Looking at pie charts all day makes you really, really hate pie 6.Whenever he slips in the polls, George W. Bush threatens to have you executed 5.The hourly calls from Nader asking, "Am I winning yet?" 4.Knowing after November 7th, only question you'll be asking is, "Regular or unleaded?" 3.Letterman always answers the door naked 2.When wife complains about your "5% ...

10.Every bill she introduces involves having her husband fixed 9.Most of her ideas were on "The West Wing" the night before 8.Pays other senators $10 to say "Here" when her name's called during roll call 7.Solemnity of hearings periodically shattered by her cries of "Yahtzee!" 6.Whenever "Jackass" is on , Hillary suddenly has the flu and has to go home 5.It's her first month, and she's used up her personal days through 2003 4.She hasn't left her office since she found out her computer has "Minesweeper" 3.Goodbye snappy pantsuits, hello Limp Bizkit t-shirt 2.Keeps "mispronouncing" Ted Kennedy's name as "Senator ...

10.That Hee-Haw crap's funny on TV but not in the White House 9.A White House internship provides hands-on experience 8.It's a good idea to replace the Oval Office carpets every once in a while 7.You can jog every day and still be a chunky tub 6.You can have sex without having sex, as long as while you're having sex you don't actually have sex 5.As long as the economy is good, Americans believe anything you tell them 4.Considering his taste in ladies, it's a good bet Bubba's been drunk since '92 3.Hillary looks really hot in those pantsuits 2.You can ...

10.Hire relationship counselor; see if he and Monica can give it another shot 9.Run for Mayor of New York and bring back the hookers! 8.Just enjoy being a regular U.S. citizen...with round-the-clock Secret Service and a $200,000 severance 7.Every morning check classifieds for job openings under "Presidents" 6.Get bitchin' Camaro, cruise around Chappaqua for lonely housewives 5.Wait till statute of limitations runs out, admit everything 4.Tell Bush, "No, you take over in 2004," stay President 3.Same thing he did back in Arkansas -- eat Crisco while watching reruns of "Bonanza" 2.Call Al Gore, ask for "Lou Zer," hang up 1.Two ...

10.Remove protective padding from underside of desk 9.Tell post office where to forward the subpoenas 8.Get gravy stains out of the Constitution 7.Take down all the photos of him and Hillary pretending to be in love 6.Pass new law: every time phrase "George W. Bush" appears in a document, Congress has to add word "sucks" 5.Pack "World's Greatest Impeached Dad" mug 4.Unchain despondent Al Gore from White House desk 3.Change name to George W. Bush -- get ready for four more years of grab-ass 2.Take Air Force One over Ken Starr's house, empty the lavatory tank 1.Shred like a hyperactive ...

10.Groping in subway considered acceptable as long as you're wearing mittens 9.Area hospitals treating thousands of cases of middle-finger hypothermia 8.Flashers open raincoats exposing mock turtleneck sweaters from J. Crew 7.Hillary Clinton just announced she is running for U.S. Senator from Hawaii in 2004 6.To stay warm, Mayor Giuliani climbed into bed with his wife and his girlfriend 5.People have stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes 4.People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up 3.The squirrels in Central Park have ice on their nuts 2.Empire State Building is noticeably shorter 1.Whatever the hell's on top ...

10.Wedding reception great place to meet guys 9.In pre-nuptial agreement, get rights to all sex videos you make together 8.Draw up a household budget of, say, $2 million a month and stick to it 7.Be up front about your past lovers, even if it takes all weekend to list them 6.Get on wife's good side by calling Letterman an a**hole 5.Communication is important -- make sure your people and his people talk frequently 4.Keep romance alive by beating up tabloid photographers together 3.Celebrate little anniversaries, like the first time you were rumored to be cheating on each other 2.It takes ...

10."What's the name of that big building shaped like a pentagon?" 9."Where do you want me to forward your subpoenas?" 8."Can I buy your '92 inaugural speech from you?" 7."Who does a guy have to execute to get a drink around here?" 6."Lemme get this straight -- you won an election without a brother as governor?" 5."How can I tell Cheney to start wearing a shirt to meetings without hurting his feelings?" 4."Dude, where's my car?" 3."In that movie 'Independence Day' did the Martians really blow up the White House?" 2."Do you think the young lady could stop that until ...

10.Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask (Private First Class Jason Campbell) 9.Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower (Private First Class Rick Pires) 8.Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant (Specialist Joy Dobson) 7.Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530 (Sergeant Jennifer Dimas) 6.Want a Playstation 2? Fire Tomahawk missiles at Santa's ass (Specialist Nicole Lavis) 5.You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt (Sergeant Ryan Hilton) 4.Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen (Sergeant Heather O'Harra) 3.There's always plenty of parking ...

10."1, 2, 3, 5-8 and 10 -- A Look At The Commandments I Broke During The Past 8 Years" 9."Alaska and Jupiter -- The Only Things Bigger Than My Husband's Thighs" 8."Deciding Which State Is Best For You To Pretend To Be From" 7."Priceless White House Antiques I've Thrown At Bill's Head" 6."Sweet Revenge: My Evening In A Windowless Corridor With a Hefty Male Intern" 5."God Bless The Execu-Craft Model 5000 Paper Shredder" 4."Roger Clinton: The Real Brains Behind The Whole Operation" 3."Arafat's Wife: So-So Kisser" 2."I Never Figured Out Who The Hell Rick Lazio Was Either" 1.Chapter 1: "Bill's ...

Top Ten Things Heard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission: 10."The first vote goes to Gore...call CNN and tell them Gore won." 9."Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box...oh my god! Stop the dryer!" 8."If someone voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or Bush?" 7."Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts...ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!" 6."120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!" 5."This is much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone" 4."America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election" 3."Discard all these votes ...

Networks: We Will Tell Who Wins By Scott Lindlaw Associated Press Writer Wednesday, Nov. 1, 2000; 10:01 p.m. EST SACRAMENTO, Calif. –– The state's top election official urged news organizations Wednesday to refrain from declaring a winner in the presidential race until polls close in California, which he said could depress turnout. The news organizations declined, saying they will declare a victor as soon as one emerges. Secretary of State Bill Jones issued the plea as he projected that 76 percent of California voters will cast ballots next Tuesday, the highest proportion since 1980. That also was the year ...

Fighting Tobacco Beetles Posted July 10, 2000, 5 p.m. e.s.t. It's every cigar smoker's nightmare -- a close encounter with tobacco beetles. These pinhead-sized insects can turn a humidor full of precious cigars into an unsmokable mess. Few things (with the possible exception of an angry spouse hell-bent on revenge) are as dangerous or annoying to the cigar connoisseur. Your treasured smokes serve as both home and feast to the beetles, which exist in larvae form in tobacco leaves. Every reputable factory takes aggressive measures to keep beetles out of your smokes -- fumigating, depleting entire rooms of oxygen ...

Welcome to The Eliad: Book II. The dolphin-gathering hero from the wine-dark sea cavorts now at Wye of the bigger backyard, guarded by picture-taking Greg Craig of the rhyming name. I didn't intend to write about Elian again, and certainly not twice in a row. Since my last column was about my refusal to write about him at all, I was relieved when the INS packed him up and took him away. I thought his removal from Miami would spell finis, or at least anticlimax, to the whole affair, but the aftermath of what is now being called "The Raid" ...

Amazon.com Inc. (AMZN) 81 15/16: Good news and bad news. The goods news is that this fast growing internet retailer expects 4Q sales to total more than $650 million, more than two and one-half times the amount of sales of $253 million posted in the year-ago period. However, the bad news is that despite the significant increase is sales during the latest holiday period, it will not result in lower net losses. Already, Amazon.com was projected to lose $0.48 per share for the quarter and $1.11 per share for the full-year. At the same time, the company is noting that ...