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Articles Posted by RetiredTexasVet

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  • General Mark "Benedict" Milley Retires (Safe and Effective Satire"

    09/29/2023 3:21:58 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 16 replies
    9/29/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    General Mark "Benedict" Milley, former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, retired today. There is much speculation as to Milley's post retirement plans. Some have speculated that he may take a job with one of the defense contractors such as General Dynamics, Raytheon, etc. Others have speculated that a slot as a military expert consultant at left leaning CNN or MSDNC may be in the future. However, anonymous reliable sources, have said with certainty that Milley will take a high ranking position in the Peoples Liberation Army in China. China is spending big bucks and a lot of political...
  • White House In A Panic (Safe and Effective Satire)

    09/25/2023 4:36:23 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    9/25/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    President Biden has called George Soros to provide two of his fellow WW2 SS Waffen cronies for recognition and an award presentation in the US Senate. Biden was shocked that Zelinskyy and Trudeau of Canada had beaten him to the punch and had admonished the White House staff for this failure. The US Senate was chosen for the presentation location because of their lack decorum. President Biden has called for the presentation of the Profile in Courage Award for the former NAZIs after his trip to Michigan to embarrass himself and the UAW Union. Since the award will be by...
  • Dead Man Walking (Safe and Effective Satire)

    09/22/2023 3:03:53 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    9/22/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    President Slow Joe Biden is the Dead Man Walking. In spite of the daily dose of chemicals, blood transfusions and electro-shock treatment, Slow Joe is on an accelerated cognitive decline. Coupled with his and his criminal son's corruption, his political decline outpaces his cognitive decline. The only race Slow Joe will run in is to the morgue or old peoples home. But Progressives, all is not lost. In the bullpen we have the saving grace. We have commie Hillary "Benghazi" Clinton, fascist Gavin "The Jackal" Newsom and commie Moo "Mike" Obama. Will fan favorite Benghazi come out of retirement? She...
  • Getting Crowded At The Hog Trough (Safe and Effective Satire)

    09/21/2023 2:02:30 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 11 replies
    9/21/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    It's getting really crowded at the hog trough with the announcement that the Clinton Global Crime Initiative Foundation will muscle it's way to the Ukraine hog trough. The Clinton Global Crime Initiative Foundation has several decades of experience in milking humanitarian crises for hundreds of millions of dollars. The Foundation has turned grifting and money laundering into a veritable science. The Foundation and its Marxist State Media accomplice has been able to manipulate favorable public opinion of the Foundation while providing less than 10% of its proceeds to the humanitarian causes. The Foundation founder, Benghazi Clinton, stated you haven't seen...
  • F-35 Found By School Teacher (Safe and Effective Satire)

    09/18/2023 3:41:48 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 7 replies
    9/18/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    A school teacher in rural South Carolina has found the missing Marine Corp F-35 that went missing on a routine training mission. The school teacher (name withheld under national security rules) was aware of a missing F-35 by the image spotted on a milk carton at school. The school teacher was alerted to the presence of the F-35 when she bumped into something on the way to her vehicle when going home after school. She couldn't see anything but kept bumping into something blocking the way to the car. After feeling around it became apparent that the object was large...
  • Senate Enacts Come As You Are Dress Rules (Safe and Effective Satire)

    09/18/2023 3:14:34 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 8 replies
    9/18/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    The Senate enacted new dress rules for members, essentially endorsing "come as you are dress rules". Cro-Magnon Pa. Senator John Fetterman tested those new rules today showing up in a jockstrap, chest hairs braided into cornrows, and smoking a crack pipe. Senator John stated that this is how he rolls at home and he doesn't feel that he should alter his lifestyle for a bunch of old white guys. A few fellow Senators were aghast at his appearance but others led by Liz Warren were questioning his insensitive cultural appropriation of "cornrows" while others asked which professional did the braiding....
  • Meritless Garland SCOTUS Nomination ? (Safe and Effective Satire)

    08/15/2023 3:24:14 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    8/15/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Has Attorney General Meritless Garland been promised a SCOTUS nomination if he takes out Trump? With the flurry of Trump indictments, both Federal and State with Federal assistance, it seems that Garland has some motivation for all this activity. Unsurprisingly, Garland has been approached by the KKK Party to start an investigation to lynch the black guy on SCOTUS. Did Biden, at Obama's direction, promise Garland the black guy's seat if he could get rid of him and Trump? Would be a slam dunk because the KKK Party has the votes in the Senate with Schumer leading.
  • Inquiring Minds Want To Know (Safe and Effective Satire)

    08/04/2023 2:42:16 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    8/4/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Inquiring minds want to know why Canadian PM Justin Trudeau is divorcing his current wife who is known or alleged to be a real female. Some have speculated that there is another woman in the queue. Inside information contradicts that speculation. Information provided from an anonymous source, who must remain unnamed because they are not authorized to release this information, stated that Trudeau will come out on Monday as a black Hispanic female to be known as Justina Castro-Trudeau with they/them pronouns. Justina is predicted to govern without change with the exception of strict criminal enforcement of the they/them pronoun...
  • Illinois Governor Pritzker Offers A Solution (Safe and Effective Satire)

    08/03/2023 2:23:59 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 10 replies
    8/3/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Illinois Governor Pritzker offers a solution to the rising gun violence in the state and City of Chicago. Pritzker bullied the legislature to pass a law to allow illegal immigrants to become law enforcement officers. By hiring MS 13 and Sinaloa and Gulf Cartel members as officers, illegal deaths could be significantly reduced. As officers, they would have qualified immunity and anyone they gunned down would not count as illegal killings. Having the illegals as officers would also free up white and black officers to enjoy home time, coffee and donut breaks and reduce the interaction with the rude complaining...
  • Apologies And Reparations (Safe and Effective Satire)

    07/20/2023 2:12:43 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet
    7/20/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Republicans have proposed that apologies and reparations be made to all of the "Jack Smiths" in the US. Normal sane Jack Smiths are required to carry pictures of Jack "Dog Feces" Smith with them when accosted in public and accused of being the greasy, slimy, dirtbag Jack Smith of the Biden DOJ infamy. Although these Jack Smiths deny being that Jack Smith, many of these Jack Smiths are being unjustly publicly shamed and spit on because of the mis-identification. In addition to the public apologies and reparations, these Jack Smiths also would require Jack "Dog Feces" Smith to be required...
  • Living Changes To Be Made At The White House (Safe and Effective Satire)

    07/17/2023 2:57:55 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    7/17/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    There will soon be changes to the living accommodations at the White House. Unemployed white trash relatives have moved into the Biden White House causing consternation from the first family but also neighbors. A solution has been hashed out with the offending relatives to keep them close and out of easy subpoena range. A mobile home will be moved onto the South Lawn and hooked up for their new accommodations. The mobile home will be acquired from the FEMA stock and is certified for use as a multi-family dwelling and crack production facility. Blind Secret Service Agents will be assigned...
  • White House Bombshell (Safe and Effective Satire)

    06/16/2023 3:49:19 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet
    6/16/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    This afternoon a bombshell exploded in the White House when it was learned that a private company, Prankings LLC, was hired as a private consultant to assist in speech writing and information spinning for the Biden Administration. Former Saturday Night Live writers who were released in the early 90s for writing humorous scripts when the show transitioning from comedy to becoming a show for political hacks. Being very creative, they formed the company and reached an apex of success when they received the contract from the Biden Administration. Their success in creative speech writing is quite apparent in speeches by...
  • NY Governor Announces Migrant Housing (Safe and Effective Satire)

    06/08/2023 2:27:10 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    6/8/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    New York Governor Kathy Hokum issued an executive order mandating the quartering of migrants in private homes. In order for the migrants to assimilate well they will be assigned quarters in middle class conservative homes. Some have expressed doubts that quartering migrants in private homes is constitutional, but Governor Hokum allayed those doubts. Governor Hokum, prior to issuing the executive order, consulted with the NY AG James and self proclaimed Constitutional and hands on birth control expert Jeffrey Toobin. Their expert opinion was that the Constitution only expressly prevented the quartering of British Troops, which would allow the quartering of...
  • White House Awards Non-Compete Contract (Safe and Effective Satire)

    06/02/2023 3:46:00 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 4 replies
    6/2/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    The White House announced the award of a non-compete contract to the Burisma Corporation for the production of a Presidential Walker. The Presidential Walker is required to be Green Energy compliant and contain an AI guidance system. Although a regular walker would normally cost less than $200 dollars, the Presidential model is expected to cost less than $20 billion dollars when produced to specifications. Extras expected are a built-in Sippy Cup, speedometer, teleprompter, and other creature comforts. Performance is expected to go from 0 to 1 mile an hour top end. In other unrelated news, Sam Brinton is being investigated...
  • Racist Chicago Mayor Rips Migrants (Safe and Effective Satire)

    05/12/2023 4:58:16 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    5/12/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Racist Democratic Chicago Mayor, Loonie Lightfoot, railed against Biden's and Mayorkas' migrants invading Chicago's Southside. Lightfoot said that there aren't nearly enough hovels available to house the locals let alone thousands of predatory migrants. Lightfoot was especially worried about an increase in crime because the migrants are arriving with little except cheap Chinese Obama phones. Additionally, that huge amount of migrants will tax the limited taco stands and Taco Bells. As Lightfoot lamented, there goes the neighborhood. In related news, DHS Secretary Mayorkas murdered a 17 year old migrant girl held in DHS custody in a cage. Mayorkas ordered an...
  • President Claims "I'm Not A Crook" Safe and Effective Satire

    05/10/2023 3:06:03 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 8 replies
    5/10/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    President Biden today claimed that he is not a crook, echoing the claims of the former disgraced President Nixon. Despite the claims of Rep. Comer, House Oversight Committee, Biden claims that the 10 million dollars routed through multiple LLCs were the result of consulting fees paid to the best son ever Hunter and himself. Biden noted that he had not engaged in laundering bribes or kickbacks through bogus Netflix deals, bogus book deals or ghost employment at Marxist State Media (MSM) networks as other political entities had done. Biden stated that if Rep Comer and the Ultra-MAGA people did not...
  • Fox News Eyeing Tucker Carlson Replacement (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/24/2023 2:42:05 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 49 replies
    4/24/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    After the firing of Tucker Carlson, Fox News is scrambling to find a replacement for the popular and ratings king of the evening news. It was decided to initially draft other Fox new personalities to fill the role; however Barf, the children's fire safety dog has refused. Alissa Heinerscheid, the newly hired marketing director, has come to the rescue. She proposes to have the popular and nationwide known Dylan Mulvaney take over the slot. Mulvaney has vast experience in telling stories and will make Fox into the new CNN. It has been reported that Rupert Murdock has approved this appointment...
  • What Is A Woman Seminar (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/20/2023 3:01:02 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 7 replies
    4/20/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Riley Gaines is planning a free "What is a Woman" seminar in Washington, D.C. for the Biden Administration, Congress, and Deep State bureaucrats. Riley has noted that the Biden Administration, Congress and the Deep State bureaucracies have struggled with the definition of a woman. Riley notes that the Administration's difficulty with the definition of a woman is just part of a pattern of ignorance. Riley will take a "common sense" approach and use anatomically correct dolls to demonstrate the identifying features and differences between women and men. Riley will talk slowly and use small words to help the attendees in...
  • Angry Mob Stalks Black Guy (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/12/2023 5:25:46 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    4/12/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Jim Crow Democratic Senators on the Judiciary Committee, led by Senator Dick Durbin, are out for the scalp of uppity black Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Seething for decades about the uppity black getting a Supreme Court Justice position, Senator Durbin launched his attack on the justice after consulting with failed Supreme Court Justice nominee AG Meritless Garland. Garland noted that his FBI maintains a lot of files on uppity blacks following the precedent of the late J Edgar Hoover, which could contain some actionable material. Garland noted that uppity black Thomas took a lot of plush expensive vacations with...
  • Freeper Trolls To Take The RED Pill (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/11/2023 3:17:38 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 22 replies
    4/11/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Freeper trolls need to take the RED PILL (red pill in all caps for the FBI) after John "Dog Feces" Brennan, former CIA Director, NWO Pimp and American Traitor, gave a speech to the Council on Foreign Relations. Traitor Brennan delivered a speech to the Council on Foreign Relations during which he clearly confessed in plain English to the use of geoengineering for years around the globe. He touts the benefits of spraying aerosol particles in the atmosphere to allegedly reflect sunlight which is allegedly supposed to mitigate the effects of the unproven Climate Change Conspiracy Theory. Unfortunately, the use...